So Confused

Am I insecure in our relationship because?:

a) I am insecure about most things at present.
b) You bring out the worst in me.
c) I have a good sixth sense.
d) None of the above.


Am I significantly unhappy or ill at ease some of the time when we're together because:

a) We're not good for each other.
b) I'm in an unrelated depressive trough.
c) I lack a sense of security (see previous question)
d) I'm doomed.


Is my delight in you:

a) Pure and positive.
b) Constructed to support biological desire.
c) Neither.


I'm so confused. I want to talk to you about everything but at the same time I'm terrified. Terrified that I'm creating problems where there are none; dragging us down; unenjoyable to be around; sabotaging something good.

But I guess I'm not getting what I need to be the person I want to and know I can be in a relationship... But again, I even question this stance... as do I only feel that way because I'm scared of being rejected?

Below Zero

I've been looking after a toddler over the last 7 days and tomorrow is my last day. I'm exhausted beyond belief and in my 'spare time' I can't muster an email or tick off more than one paltry to-do. So yes, not keen on having babies any time soon. There's also the child-raising impediment of going financially under, and that feels like being on a torture rack that's getting wound out a bit further every day.

It's nearing the end of the year and I usually finish with a bang, fire on all cylinders right up to Christmas Day. But not this year, I'm done, cooked, hoping for a blessed miracle to get me across the line.

Ho ho ho.

Thoughts at 4:30am

Draft TKO discussion agenda:

1. I'm considering changing your acronym (this one you don't know of) to something like Sea Faring Buddy or Vegetarian Man.

2. Me and my brain aren't doing their best at moment but I'll hope you'll hang in there with me.

3. I'm freaking out seemingly on a weekly basis. My mind catches a rogue negative thought in the wind, keeps it all to itself for a few moments and builds a nasty story that can ruin a whole day. i.e. Early yesterday I decided that to you I am JUST ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND and then I found it difficult to leave my clam shell for the rest of the day.

4. I think your calmness in the face of my mood swings is remarkable. This makes me feel and think you're a good match for me. But what I haven't figured out yet is if my mood swings are truly being influenced by you or not. I'm regularly feeling shit about myself and although I sense this would probably still be the case if you weren't in my life right now, it does make me dig deep (fruitlessly) to work out whether YOU are actually having a dwindling effect on my self esteem.

5. Can we have a cuddle now please? The feel of your skin is so glorious it may convert me to vegetarianism.

Reason To Live 002

To swim in the chilly surf with my manfriend, wearing our wetsuits.

Reason To Live 001

To listen to The Rolling Stones.

Too Late

It's too late to start again... I chose this path long ago and thus have made life difficult for myself, as my Grandma might say.

My confidence and drive is historically low. I've got to fix my cash-flow and career and yet a holiday is my greatest desire.

I've trapped myself. Maybe the problem has always been that I don't like life enough to warrant doing a shit job just to have money to keep on living.

I'm catastrophising and predicting that the future will be just as shit if not shitter than the present. In my recent and continuing house move I must have misplaced my faith.

31 feels too late to start again and even if I could or would, what really would I do differently? I don't have a backup plan. I've fucked my own life and fell into my own laid trap. I can't see any way out other than a miracle occurring.

Draft letter to TKO

I think you're potentially really good for me, in so many ways. I can't work out if my confusion and upset stems from 'us' or 'me'. Would I be feeling this terrifying uncertainty with someone else right now? Why oh why can't I just be cool and go with the flow? I'm sickened by the possibility that my emotive self is destructing both our relationship and me. As Dr Russ Harris of ACT practice would say: I'm struggling against my emotion and making it worse than it needs to be.

One good thing to report is that after spending 2.5 days at Wilsons Promontory* with my phone off, I'm feeling more able to turn away from it and stick to my no phone post 10pm policy. My poor little brain needs as much peace as it can muster.

*so spectacular and so beautiful, that it is conceivable our world is a simulation, Truman Show style. Man what a relief that would be, that I'm only part of a computer game or giant artificial environment. It would be just my style to snub my nose and not do what I was supposed to do in someone else's designed world.

Saturday Night Funk

It'd be tremendous if there was good AM radio reception at my new house... perhaps should've confirmed that before I signed the lease?!

Trying to focus on the positive...

Having to move has upset the apple cart of my brain. It's the only thing I can clearly attribute this funk to. Yet again I have no money (iPhone auto predicted money as Moet!), but that wouldn't be the case if I didn't have to move house. I resent renting. The whole process of it reinforces shitty perceptions of self.

Last night TKO witnessed me plunge into a funk for no clear reason. For the second time in a week I piked on attending a social function with him. I couldn't face meeting new people and the existing acquaintances asking how I am. It was amazing how much better I felt once I was home alone in my cubbyhouse.

Being upset and depressed is one thing, but it's double roasted when I simultaneously fear the effect it's having on my relationship. Been there, fucked that.

Once I'm down, I'm down, it's very hard for me or anyone else to pull me up out of it. In fact, it's even possible the only way for me to restore my mood or reset myself is to be on my own.

So naturally I'm not loving that I've been financially pushed out of my solo living arrangement. But, I am moving in with my best possible companion and dear friend. I'm viewing this imminent cohabitation as necessary personal development.

Motivation Waves

It would seem I'm a pretty driven person; make my own luck, ambitious, highly motivated, ra ra ra...

But every now and then I lose virtually all energy and motivation. I sleep in and become as disconnected as I can from the things I need to do to build a sustainable career.

The only good thing about this is that I've experienced it before and am not panicking. I'm not letting a loss of energy and motivation mutate into depression.

I'll ride it out like a Hawaiian wave.

Mini Post 006

I wish to read more, learn more, know more; history, current affairs, philosophy, science and as much as I can absorb and retain.

Mini Post 005

I am a seesaw in a hurricane. On one end of the flimsy playground contraption is joy and fearlessness, at the other end is a similar volume of despair and terror. The capricious wind in my mind is throwing them all over the place. Joy is up, then comes crashing down. Despair gets a thrilling ride high in the air.

I seem to be having minute by minute mood swings today.

TKO pros

He is healthy.
He is absolutely gorgeous.
He dresses well.
He is affectionate.
He has a good sense of humour.
He has adopted some pet mice.
He dives in head first.
He forgives.
He knows how cars work.
He's industrious.
He writes down appointments in his diary.
He seemingly has his shit together.
He accepts that we're different.
He's intelligent.
He seems observant, so far.
He's a positive thinker.

That's all for now, more to come later hopefully. Just thought I owed it to myself, TKO and this blog to record some of his good points.

High Expectations

Don't know if I'm being too hard on TKO. I feel I'm testing him out and he might not be doing that well...

One of my primary determining factors in assessing a person's character is the depth of their questioning, if any. Sure, people can be lovely, smart, entertaining and even of good heart, but if they fail to demonstrate interest in the person they're relating to, then I say it's not relating at all. But that's just me...

I'm aware my blog isn't advertising my social inquisitiveness but it's true I'm often paranoid about talking of myself too much. Not into monologues.

Conversation is one of my biggest turn-ons and I'm somewhat concerned I'm not getting that at present.

Am I thwarting or jinxing something potentially wonderful?! We're planning to go away together the week after next; I'm going to reserve judgement til after then.

Dream 1

Had a disturbing dream that I was signing for someone-else's courier delivered porn and sex toys. The delivery guy tried to attack me but I managed to fight him off.

What does this mean? National Broadband Network subliminal propaganda? Get your porn via the internet! It's safer!!

Key Criteria

Answering and addressing selection criteria has got to be one of the nuttiest constructs of human modernity. Facing such a stupid task tonight I feel tempted to just write:

1.1 Can do.
1.2 Yup, got it.
1.3 Can do too!
1.4 Can't believe you asked me this, if I can use the internet and find this job vacancy, then I can likely perform this basic function too!
1.5 Monkeys!

Wish me luck, I've only got 2 hours to finish the fucker. Irony is I actually think the job would be great and mentally stimulating, that is if I survive the tedium of the actual application...

Imperfect Manly Trinity

I'm sort of in a love triangle. Well, not really, but I am feeling in the middle of a whole heap of man weirdness at present. Here be the three aspects:

There's the EX, who I'm still exceptional friends with and who unloaded his dilemmas to me on Friday. I've also been listening to his music over the last few days. There's TKO, who perhaps fortuitously has been out of town since Thursday. I see him tomorrow. We've had very disappointing phone conversations whilst he's been away and I'm half-expecting him to come home and dump me. And then completing the triangle is ye old SMF-BG aka The Lovely Emotional Mess. Today he basically confessed his enormous love and care for me and expressed his awful guilt at hurting me. It was certainly a relief to hear. I guess I've been emotionally unfaithful to TKO today. But it had to happen. Overdue watershed. On the morrow when SMF's hopefully in better shape I'll try to establish some boundaries and a bit of a plan with him. I can't save him or wait for him. But I always want to be there for him and I guess today was a sign we're going to be in each other's lives in some positive way from now on.

So, how to avoid crawling into my crab shell in order to process all this? If TKO still seems into me and embodying potential when we reunite tomorrow then I definitely want to give this seedling relationship a shot, regardless of all the dormant love that SMF might be ready to spill.

I can't believe I'm in a such a mellow state given all this. Calm before the storm? Hope not.

Lose 1 - Win tba

TKO spelt 'lose' incorrectly. It's one of my pet hates when people pen it as 'loose'. This is a far cry from being initially seduced by SMF's use of commas. But even SMF sometimes uses 'z' in words such as realise. Hypercritical aren't I? I couldn't write a grammatically correct sentence until about age 17 and I still clumsily arrange words these days.

Does all this matter? I'm giving TKO the benefit of doubt and being loving in spite of confusion. Things change, people change. Even in the last few weeks I've been buoyed by discovering he's more complex than first thought.

Better get up after finally clocking some zzzzs without Temazepam. Today I'm checking out my potential new cubbyhouse!!

too much iPhone, too little faith

Can't put it down. It is the key to my day to day life. I research on it. I record my mental health on it. I communicate with my loved ones on it. I try to manage my money with it. I monitor the weather. I record thoughts. I take photos. I prioritise and manage my ambitious to do list. Since adopting it I get more done. I can pursue whims. Look up word definitions incessantly. Confirm the ethnic mix of Malaysia. Check my bank account. Lose my mind. Find it. Count down the days til holidays. Set and achieve goals. Archive recipes. Analyse disappointment. Tell jokes. Deteriorate vision. Ascertain sailing opportunities. Wait for phone calls. Titillate via eye candy. Have disappointing conversations. Accidentally lose pertinent blog posts. Investigate truth or lack thereof in my fears. Explore flaws in my burgeoning relationship with TKO.

He's preoccupied with his bad time management. I'm interpreting it as compatibility issues. What if the magic's worn off already? It doesn't, I know. It's either there or it's not. I fear we're not creatively compatible. But he is so exceptionally beautiful. Have we boomed and bust? Too much too soon? How can it ever be too much if it's the person you want to share the rest of your life with?

It's probably not that bad. I'm probably just lacking faith and unconsciously testing him out. But he does seem to have lost interest in me and that's sending my mind into a spin.

That and I've had my worst week of sleep since early 2008. So maybe I'm being irrational and the iphonmania isn't helping.

Better get up for a midnight snack before I formally commence pursuit of sleep. We all know technology and sleep don't mix, but who can resist?!

Conflict

My car and I aren't friends anymore. I can't explain why. Perhaps its because the dear beast has humiliated me one too many times. I bruise easily.

I wonder if my car hadn't fucked me around today whether I would've maintained a better mood? My body is beset by allergies. My life is challenged by cash-flow. My mind mostly does well despite the circumstances but tonight I'm longing for sleep that disconnects me from reality. I'm counting on that miracle that often happens, where a new day brings optimism and hope. Clocking off on this one.

Aside from the car, the other relationship that is affecting me greatly at the moment is TKO. It's all going pretty well but I'm quietly terrified he'll get sick of me, decide I'm not right for him and so on... There's nothing I can do to prevent this if it's going to happen but I don't like the uneasy feeling... I guess it's lack of faith, I guess it's my MO since 1995, I guess it's just me. Time to stop mulling over my problems and read about how we became so bloody evolved in the first place. I'm reading 'guns, germs and steel' by Jared Diamond at present. I might offer to write a followup homage, perhaps titled 'cars, men and malaise'.

Beyond the Mattress

Empathy

I have no idea why I feel involved in or experience by proxy the failures of others. It's true; this tendency of mine almost extends to Kevin Rudd...

I'm wired thinking about problems EX is enduring and has caused. Why? But I'm emancipated. Why? Because the thought of others crying, stressed, confused and despairing makes my brain and soul hurt.

I want to sprinkle fairy dust everywhere and turn everything peacefully joyful... just like a new-age wanker...

I guess part of the problem is that my bond with EX is so familial that I feel somehow implicated in his fuckups. Implicated is the wrong word... rather like a parent I only want the best for him and my brain's tentacles are waving wildly round in the dark, reaching out, flailing and wanting to make things better for him. I also deeply want to step in and try to soothe people he's hurt.

If I was a stereotype I wouldn't give a fuck and his latest personal debacle would be satisfying evidence that I dodged a veritable bullet... But I'm not a stereotype. I'm me and I'm bothered. I'm praying for a turnaround.

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Day of Sad

Walking home in last night's black dress (inappropriate for such a gorgeous sunny day), I spotted this mattress leaning against a tree. I often wonder where all the abandoned mattresses end up, after being sogged by the weather. But this one was especially poignant with it's stenciled message:

Do they mean this literally? I entirely agree if the wordsmith is suggesting that being in bed can fertilise both feelings of hope and hopelessness.

Noteworthy weekend of emotion. I was hurt by an abrasive estranged friend last night. I thought I missed his friendship. Although I'm ready to cast it aside and never attempt to reconnect with him again, I am feeling wounded. Like a soggy mattress I am a sponge for vibes emitted by other people. The EX is seemingly at the top of another emotional landslide and I'm so affected by his pain and unwise choices. I don't want my nearest and dearest to be unhappy and I like to think that life turns out well... But what if it doesn't?

Ironically, despite the bad and sad vibes I've soaked up this weekend I have been in the company of a very lovely man. TKO is turning out to have quite a bit of potential and I've relaxed into the beginnings of a relationship with him. I just hope his enthusiasm and loveliness doesn't boom and bust. I've even told SMF about him, so this dalliance clearly is showing itself as having legs. I hope.

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Confused As Fuck

Or maybe I'm confused WITH fuck? Yes ladies and gentlemen and honorable blog readers... I got laid and/or am apparently getting laid. But I'm confused... I'm 31 now and despite hormonal persuasion and retaining a fair degree of girliness... it seems I can't just fall in love. I'm not 100% sure about TKO. By chance I saw SMF today and I pretty much left my soul locked up in the car so it wouldn't encounter anything unpleasant during the spontaneous catchup with him. Perhaps I need to honestly speak to SMF for closure but perhaps I don't... I'm considering that if the man who sweeps me off my feet is 'right', then surely all concerns and hesitations would fall by the wayside. I don't know what else to do... now I've had some intimacy I can't forget about it; it's like having chocolate in the house. And I don't want to take advantage of him, but my 31 year-old libido does. I don't want to thwart a mantunity by being futilely hung up on someone like SMF who is offering me nothing. Why am I even interested in someone that has ostensibly hurt me?! Because I've seen into his soul and know he's a good person?!

Maybe if I had a proper practiced faith in a higher power such as God or Allah I would be less perplexed by this whole manfusion. Through my work I've met a lot of people over the last few weeks who have a refreshing, honest and natural belief in either Islam or Christianity. It's been a surprise... I guess I always felt disconnected with people who followed a 'religion', but I've realised that maybe religion ISN'T the opiate of the masses... but rather agnosticism may cause significant cloudiness of mind. These people I've met have been sharp, all are realists, some of them gay, some embraced their faith as a young adult and all present as people of independent thought and not as blindly following a religion, even in the slightest. How would my life be different if I had a formal faith? Still, I don't feel it's for me but I know I can devote more time and energy to matters of universal good rather than personal romantic fuckarama.


- iBlog, therefore iAm

All vs. Half vs. Nothing

SFN is too similar an acronym to SMF so maybe I'll call him TKO instead (the Tall Keen One). It is jolly nice to be so wanted and desired... There's nothing 'wrong' with him or that I don't like... So might as well give it a go. But it's weird being the pursued, rather than the pursuer... Last time I kissed someone I was so sure it was right.

But this is good, this is new, I'll give it a go and try to keep everyone happy and stay honest in the process. I've thought about SMF heaps but the current reality is that he's not available to me.. So better enjoy the present!

- iBlog, therefore iAm

First at Worst

Just went on my first date in a long time, quite possibly ever*... And I'm also looking rather unattractive; possibly at my worst...

But it seemingly went well. Not sure what I should call him... maybe SFN (sexy film nerd)?! It was an interesting comparison study to SMF; but the data is still being analysed and the results are not yet out.

If I'm going to have children I arguably need to meet 'the one' in the next year or two. I don't feel in any rush but at the same time I'm annoyingly mature enough not to just pash and dash someone because I think they're sexy and charming. I would've if I was 21, or 25.

*I'm always confused as to whether the 'outing' is a date or not, but tonight it clearly was. He touched me and was generous with the compliments.

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Late Night Crush

I love Tony Jones; silver-haired uberhost of ABC's tantalising short Lateline program.

He offers intellectual spunk and seems to never shy away from hard yet casual and effortless questioning. I'm being verbose, I know (I really like this guy).

But tonight I noticed the first chink in his armour... He outrightly failed to ask Imran Khan why he was wearing dark sunglasses indoors during his satellite interview.

Despite this, I actually found Khan awesomely cool, not at all dubious and am pleased by the pride he has for his nation and people. Due to apparent mega corruption of Pakistani authorities, he's setup his own flood relief fund.

http://imrankhanfoundation.wordpress.com/


- iBlog, therefore iAm

Bit of a turnaround!

After having a cuppa with an 88 year-old woman today I've decided I like life and don't want to die early.

So I'm googling cancer prevention. Interesting stuff!

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Unbelievable

Last night I finally spoke to SMF or guy formerly known as such... The reveal was not what I was expecting at all. I had given him an impression, he'd made assumptions and I had too (obviously). I've learnt a lesson about torturing myself through conclusions drawn about communicative use of technology (or lack thereof). The telcos aren't doing anything to prevent these kind of heartbreaking mishaps, so we have to look after ourselves. I also learnt a lesson about instincts and trust.

Despite one of our wonderful long chats and feeling subsequently emancipated, I'm not nominating him for Sainthood or Bachelor of the Year. There's still some resolving to be done but the ice is thawing and blizzard calming down.

Un-fucking-believable.

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Mini Post 004

Not a bad day all in all... A day of domesticity plus my new habit of swimming... And yet despite a lot of productivity, earnest looking after of self and so on... I still didn't manage to do the washing up.

Gotta get a dishwasher.


- iBlog, therefore iAm

Mini Post 003

Thank GOD for the Chaser lads. In the pits of despair tonight, they restored my enjoyment of life, interest in men and caused me to laugh OUT LOUD!


- iBlog, therefore iAm

Letter to You

Dear person I used to refer to as BG or SMF,

Tonight the thought of you is making me cry. I'm crippled emotionally to the extent I can't focus or do things I want to do, like cook dinner. I'm so churned up inside that I actually want to deal with it and you right now; to stop my wondering, to halt or resolve my disappointment through an emotional eruption or a nail hammered through my wrist. I'm in a mood for confrontation, I can barely wait any longer to hear sweet soothing or ripping harsh words. I just want to know what I mean to you. Of course I desperately don't want it to be 'nothing' and there to be some other (however lame) excuse for your non-communication and lack of care. But the abandonment is killing me. My confidence is crushed. And the moments from the past of feeling totally at peace with our 'friendship' and buoyed by your company have almost completely gone... I don't know what's real anymore and I really want to know the truth, even if it's hurtful (I think). I fear you've deceived me. I don't want to hide behind an email or SMS. I want something real. I want to call you even though I know I shouldn't. What can I do? What should I do? Nothing?!

Love and best wishes from the person you used to laugh with and say nice things to.

xx ms ok

Homecoming

Whenever I go away I tend to gather thoughts of what I'm going to do upon returning home. It's not homesickness (though I nearly forfeited sightseeing today in my desire to get an earlier flight home); I think it's a love of homemaking and an ongoing quest to get more out of life.

So, having been on a little venture for the last 4 days, I of course have updated plans for my day-to-day life. Here are some of them:

• swim every second day for at least 6 weeks, then adjust health regime if necessary.
• move my Bouganvillea to a better position on balcony, buy and feed it with potash and pray for summer flowers!
• visit the Kinesiologist, as soon as I can financially afford it. Seeking man-peace outcomes and a less itchy scalp.
• make a much more concerted effort to prepare better meals for myself and re-embrace my enjoyment of cooking.
• declutter my wardrobe, clean the windows (apparently need it after 3 years) and relieve the bathroom of its mildew.
• continue to develop my new habits of tracking my time and money spent and trying to meet income targets.
• read on the couch more, rather than bed.
• admonish the iPhone from the bedroom at all times!
• try to counter accumulation of clothes on the floor.
• continue this readathon thing I've started, and not be deterred having blown the second book's deadline (it's dense with information and non-narrative, so I'm struggling a little...)



- iBlog, therefore iAm

Mini Post 002

A nasal saline douche can be the poor man's seaside holiday.


- iBlog, therefore iAm

Mini Post 001

Bought a new hairdryer, have a stay of electrocution.


- iBlog, therefore iAm

The Glory of Television!

Tonight has been a rare night for me of simple pleasures derived from the wonder that is television...

And I have ecletic taste: I would've spontaneously shagged Kerry O'Brien during moments of The 7:30 Report tonight; then bizarrely the first episode of Farmer Wants a Wife held my attention... I don't think it's a bad concept for finding love at all (I would leap into the pearl farmer's aquamarine waters but pass on the goofy man himself AND such a gratis self-sacrificial offering on national television); and lastly, The Chaser lads just made me laugh out loud, like I haven't for weeks*. Now I'm washing it all down with Tony Jones' Lateline... perhaps I'd shag him too.

So maybe my interest in men and libido is returning... But it's early days. My mind is still excavating the light footprints SMF left on my soul. Could I have been so wrong? Shall I sign up to the waiting list for an Intuition Transplant?

* positively loved the Angry Kevin Burger!


- iBlog, therefore iAm

Rest in Peace

In some kind of coincidence, tonight's episode of SBS's Insight was about Australia's handling of mental illness issues; and today would've been my late cousin's 25th birthday, had she not taken her own life almost 6 years ago.

It made me cry. I couldn't have done what the brave spokespersons on Insight did tonight... I would've started crying. As much as I know mental illness isn't and shouldn't be shameful, it still doesn't seem right that diseases of basic unhappiness, perception or personality exist. The mind and the soul are not currently seperable to a lay person such as me and thus our mind defines who we are. I think this is why it's so difficult to accept and explain mental illness. Very recently I've got alot better at sharing it with friends, but it feels slightly against instinct. I'm doing it because I know I have to.

But in other pro-active and positive news, I've been using the 'Finding Optimism' software. I really think it's going to help, with personal accountability at the very least. It's also so difficult to remember accurately how you've been feeling and summarise it when necessary; I think this software will help.

Okay, I better go to bed. I haven't done the washing up but I'll live. Just like I'm living through an ambiguous and intangible rejection by the man-formerly-known-as-SMF.

Sweet dreams!

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Good Day

Good day almost ruined at its closure by logging onto facebook (just now). My brain both amazes and frightens me. Yesterday I was messy. A rickety-rackety rollercoaster who cried at the end of yoga and was too in a funk to attend a social occasion and dance her arse off.

Today I've been pretty good. More domesticity, bit of Bob Dylan, bit of David Bowie, bit of reading, bit of friends, bit of pretending i've got an active sailing hobby, bit of mending. I'm alright.

The SMF is still the same but somehow my perspective has changed ever so slightly and mood has shifted. I don't really know what I think but I've jumped onto a train at the last minute and am chugging away from Rejection Station.

I am in a bit of a holding pattern. I have to deliberately block out thoughts about career, finances, family and future and I'm alright. But the things that are leftover are hardly the dregs are they? There is so much more to live for and I suppose I can keep going for the time being. Do I need to be ready to pull the plug anyway?

Life's better underwater. For me, anyway. I've swam on 3 of the last 4 days. In the water no one can get me. In the water I don't need a career. In the water I don't need money. In the water I don't need anything except the ability to swim. And I can.

Just When You Think You're Coming Back From Rock Bottom

Late this afternoon I thought things might just start getting better... I had an inspiring chat with an unlikely motivator and felt my zest for work and life resurface. Then I got a call from an employer saying more work is on the way. See, things do get better?!

Then I just snapped and yelled at my dearest Mum. I must be messed up at the moment. She wanted to discuss money and possible irrational decisions and I wasn't emotionally prepared for it. Fuck it.

I'm going to call her back as soon as I feel certain I will not snap. Best to perhaps stay eerily and offensively silent... I don't want to do that either...

In other news, SMF isn't so special anymore. I'm dealing with feeling abandoned, rejected, embarassed, regretful, etc. The rest of my life isn't going that well either. And tonight I'm kind of breaking the liver cleansing diet that I've so impressively stuck to... But fuck, I deserve to drink the beer that's already in my fridge when all this shit is going on.

A Few Months Ago

A few months ago I was happy. A few months ago I was full of beans and joy. Now I'm in the depths of winter and all feels below zero. I'm flat. Motivation is low. Positive outlook is clouded, etc. I guess things will get better. At least I have wonderful friends and family.


- iBlog, therefore iAm

Desert Detox Epiphany

I'm in an iconic desert resort town. It's pretty cool and I'm not even too bothered by the obscene energy and water consumption. But I'm starting to get bothered by MY obscene consumption. I can't stop eating.

I REALLY need to rescue my body from the downhill slide it's taking. I guess this kind of epiphany happens periodically. But I hope I can follow through this time and restore my health. I'm in no shape whatsoever to get nude, so it's just as well there's no opportunity to. My enthusiam for hanky panky in this naughty town is beyond low; negatively scored.

Been having great time.. But saw some shit films last night and it put me in bad mood. My brain is indeed a little feather in the desert wind, even if my body's not...


- iBlog, therefore iAm

And it's easier...

In a matter of hours my brain started feeling better. I don't know what it is or was that made it easier but I'm glad. It seems I've got to be SO CAREFUL of this, like someone with low immunity needs to be careful of infections.

I'm back in the present. No one can get me here.


- iBlog, therefore iAm

I am lucky...

...to have such sublime friends.


- iBlog, therefore iAm

Traps & Struggles

Had a brief flick through The Happiness Trap tonight and realised I've completely lost my way with all the clever techniques that had become automatic for me over the last two years. I am listening to my thoughts and taking them very seriously. Part of the problem with depression is 'cognitive fusion' with unhelpful thoughts.

But on the topic of physical traps, not mind-bending traps, my financial situation feels and likely is, completely fucked. I'm failing to see solutions, only visualising doom. What's interesting is the career potential that may be lurking around me at the moment is getting magnetically forced away, due to my brain flipout. This has happened time and time again.

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Not Past the Depression Post

Problem with my brain is that I go from struggling with mild disappointments, fears, etc. to full scale depression in very little time. Like the acceleration in one of those awesome Ferraris. I hate those kind of cars.

Every area of my life has collapsed in my mind. I'm not eating unless a friend escorts me into the outside world. I don't want to go overseas next weekend. The destination and event is not appropriate for a depressed person. I'm trying to figure out how I can move home to live with my parents for a month or two, whilst still meeting my fucking financial commitments. I'm googling the issues involved with cancelling my flight and informing the very kind funding body that I'm not fit to travel.

Looking back over the past few blog posts, my mood has obviously dwindled in the last fortnight or two. So maybe I haven't gone from 0-180kph as fast as it feels, but I seriously thought I was safe from a plummet such as this. Yesterday's chat with SMF, even though it had to happen, is clearly the trigger for this meltdown, but the scope of what I'm actually struggling with is far wider. I guess the feeling of being rejected and the necessary emotional hangover isn't fitting into my grand plan of Tokyo-style productivity. I'm feeling very fragile and seriously considering how I can forfeit life with minimal repercussions. But hey, don't be alarmed, I've been here in bad brain land before. I'm feeling angry at life. Powerless. Disinterested. Unmotivated.

I want to innocently take a safe quantity of sleeping tablets, to turn off the poison taps in my brain. I've promised my dear friend and neighbour that I will go to the pool before it closes. So I guess the knockout-self plan will have to go on the backburner for an hour or two.

Change of Scene

SMF and I have had to define our relationship over the last 24 hours. I don't know how I'm feeling. Surviving I guess. Must stop this post temporarily and change the radio station, some really bad jazz is playing.

Ahh... I'm back. Rolling Stones are now on, much better.

All I want is to love him and be loved back. Unfortunately the timing is still not good for that to be anything more than platonic. I appreciate his honesty and self-awareness, but I'm trying very hard not to interpret it as rejection.

So, for purposes of constructiveness, what do I want from here? What do I wish for? Last month I wished that I would adopt a lifelong healthy lifestyle of good eating and regular exercise, predominately regular swimming; to maintain domestic bliss and routines and complete unfinished craft projects; get out of financial debt, buy a car, go to NZ for my friends' August wedding; and lastly, that I'm not wrong about the 'rightness' I feel with SMF. My success with all of the above is questionable, but it's good to have plans and I'm herewith going to restate and revise them:

Health - physical and mental. It's really crucial I do things to keep myself happy and healthy over the next little while, as I sense my self-worth might be a little teetering... So, exercise, square meals, and activities that are proven to elevate my mood, such as covering a wall with pictures.

Routines - attempt domestic discipline. I love made beds and washed dishes. Commit to some home craftiness and happy habits like reading, as they feed into the earlier listed desires.

Fiscal Realities - get my tax sorted out and be mindful with money. Book flight to NZ. Attempt to meet financial commitments before spending elsewhere, like I used to do, before I prioritised moderate social activity over creditor responsibilities.

Romance & Self-Worth - try my bestest not to question SMF's intentions and mess the interpretation into rejection in my head. To send love via platonic means and keep an open mind for the future. Restore faith in whatever the hell is going on.

Hibernation

If I hadn't experienced this current flat mood and profound lack of motivation before, I'd be worried. But I'm just counting on it passing and trying not to fight it.

I'm having lots of 'what's the point?' thoughts. It's hard to drive yourself forward when you're seriously considering the mediocrity of your output.

I've also been really exhausted and this afternoon felt like basic functionality was beyond me. So I lay in bed and didn't feel guilty.

Tonight I've managed to do some necessary washing. I'm amazed. It's even possible I'll do the dishes before bed.

Last night my iPhone and I spent the night apart. We said our goodbyes at 10pm and I woke to an old-school alarm clock this morning feeling refreshed. I like domestic rules and routines, so I'm going to try to continue this habit tonight and beyond. It might even renew my romance with the stupidly clever phone.

Money is getting me down. Again. This time I'm perplexed about how I'm ever going to get out of this hand to glass of wine to mouth existence. I think the worries have also manifested out of the need to spend money on rejuvenating myself; a holiday, massage, or simply to take a week off work to recuperate... I guess I should be grateful that I can get away with a sneaky nap in the late afternoon.

Well, it's 12 minutes til my e-sundown and I'm really looking forward to being in bed. The only energetic thing I'm interested in at the moment is conversation and cuddles with my special man friend, but I don't even have the fortitude to make a phone call tonight.

Can I hope for a windfall? I'd take you all on a holiday with me!

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Into The Wild

I've just watched Into The Wild, directed by Sean Penn. I have to admit I spent the first two-thirds of the film multi-tasking like a battery operated rabbit, with half-an-eye and two ears on the television and my fingers and other 1.5 eyes on the computer. Overall, I was a little abhorred by the seemingly self-indulgent and cliched philosophies of the main character, Chris McCandless, a.k.a Alex Supertramp and thus not fully engaged with the story. This story however is a true story and the last 30 mins or so were beyond moving.

I'm left feeling a bit stunned and grieving someone I didn't know but who obviously didn't want to die. If I have anything to say at all it is that Chris McCandless was incredibly brave, right to the very end. But I don't mean to glorify or condone what he chose to do, but that he chose to do it at all is downright brave in my book. I love nature and I love being on my own, but I'm not going where he went. But that doesn't mean I'm not brave.

It's interesting that at the very end, it seems McCandless saw the value in human relationships, even though he'd chosen a hermit's life. I'm not sure how much truth can be verified in the film or panoply of online tributes, but allegedly he wrote HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED as one of his last diary entries. This was most inspiring and horribly tragic.

But thinking about it now, I don't know if I agree. I think in death, particularly if it approaches slowly, having loved ones with you must be a crucial part of letting go and feeling at peace. But day to day I do find and experience real happiness on my own. But that's just me. The brain and perspective is always changing, and surely being on one's own in the Alaskan wilderness must be a mighty perspective shifter.

And I wake up...

...feeling better! The brain is amazing. I've only been awake a half-hour or so and might be counting my chooks before they hatch, but I feel calmer this morning. Sticking pictures I love on my wardrobe doors last night was very therapeutic. I went from listening to classical music through to Marvin Gaye and Donny Hathaway, so the exercise clearly improved my mood. The wine also helped. 'Wild White' 2008, hadn't had it before but it's minimal sulphites and bio-dynamic organic production was what made me select it. And it was bloody tasty too!

And the epiphany of the morning is... the only thing I'm scared of is him changing his mind. So, I feel better!

- iBlog, therefore iAm

I, the Tower of Pisa

I thought tonight as i restored my mood with alcohol and creative home-decorating: if the flawed, unstable tower of Pisa has lasted this long, so might I!!

I'm hanging in there even though i'm feeling crappy. I've survived before so I guess I'll survive again. I'm really hoping the last year or so of contentment wasn't a mirage.

Childishly, I really don't want my SMF to find anyone more special than me. I've been uncharacteristically strong of late, now I just want a cuddle and to be loved. I'm fearing that maybe already I've diminished my lovable-ness.

Can someone please take my brain away on a behavioural retreat? We need some time apart.

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Haircut

I had my haircut after enduring a period of long hair. I'm not a good wearer of long hair. This'll be quick post whilst I backup my computer. Having my laptop die would just be the icing on my delicate mood. I've decided that all that has happened is that faith has been replaced by fear.

I want to step off this emotional rollercoaster (that's sticking pretty close to the ground at any rate) and go to bed to read books for a week or so. Or a glorious tropical holiday might lift my mood.

This afternoon I started a post titled 'Competition' that I accidentally deleted. It was about the apparently highly-competitive industry I work in. I realised that I possess above average resilience. I've had a lot of career knock-set-backs. I just endure the disappointment and eventually it passes. After a major high of a career reward a week ago, I had two significant disappointments today. But I did get my haircut. Had to be done.

Man-friend isn't helping my mood either. That is definitely where fear has replaced faith and I have no idea of whether I'm in for a good or bad or indifferent turn motivated by his next move. I don't like this feeling of being an emotional victim of others' behaviours, decisions, etc. My horoscope promised extraordinary career highs this month and over the next eight years. So I've decided to not read horoscopes anymore. I'm embarassed that I'm so interested in what they say. Hasn't aided my mood anyway, or has it? Have I stayed just below the surface and not plummeted further into the depressive depths because the horoscopes have giving me faith that good news is on it's way?

I'm bored by myself. Sorry for sharing it around. I guess the main hope at the moment is based on the fact that I've had a great and content year and a half... It's just weather. But will you just come and shag me man-friend? Put me out of my misery please!

1075 metres

Bubble of contentment burst sometime yesterday morning and 36 odd hours of melancholy and pessimistic outlook ensued. Felt crap about love, money, life, bruised easily, feared hurt like never before... you know the drill.

Tonight I chatted to my dear wise friend and she granted her counsel. But what really lifted my mood out of the sewers was 43 laps at the pool. Next time I'll know just to drive straight there, dive in, not passing go nor pausing to explain why my fortnightly direct debited membership was declined.



- iBlog, therefore iAm

Guilty Conscience

I have a guilty conscience. Is it my Catholic ancestry or something else? I'm the kind of girl who feels guilty when a policeman passes me on the street.

Tonight something weird happened at work. A folder disappeared off the server. I was the one that discovered as such, and I raised the alarm. I can't help feeling guilty about it and as though it has something to do with me; perhaps the alias link I created to the folder? Perhaps the way I was working off a file saved to there? Perhaps because I use a mac?! Heavens no!

So anyway, I feel bit bad but that's not all that's occupying my brain... I'm aware in my very bones and spirit that SMF is overseas at present. Only for a few days but I'm weirdly feeling this geographic distance. Some work stuff over the last few days has strangely made me long for his affection more than ever; a cuddle in the face of a daunting project would make it seem less doomed; a sexy kiss would put all other career fears in perspective. Come home special man friend! I don't want a relationship, I just want a cuddle!

I've just come out the other side of a bad allergy attack and need to avoid those salicylates and amines that set me off - but tonight I really need a glass of wine...

Everything's okay though... I am the new content.


- iBlog, therefore iAm

Crystal Ball

My broken record self has said oft in the last few days: "I wish I could look into the future and find out whether my focus on this very special SMF is warranted or not". But then I've been quick to retort back at myself: "But what exactly would you be doing differently right now if you did find out you were never meant to be together?"

I wouldn't behave much differently, I thought.

But tonight I'm earnestly considering it... So to record my conclusions of how I might behave differently if a sweet relationship wasn't destined with this fellow, here goes:

I - I wouldn't stop loving him, but I would stop reading his horoscope whenever I read mine.

II - I wouldn't stop smiling when I thought of him, but I'd try to tame amorous visualisations of him.

III - I have no idea whether I would start looking for another man to focus my attention on, but I'd like to think i'd still be as contentedly single as I am now.

IX - Maybe I wouldn't absorb with such glee his talk of things we might do together in the future, maybe I'd take it with a large grain of salt.

I'd better keep this list short before I forget the sequence of Roman Numerals!

X - I wouldn't stop communicating with him... But would I resist being physically affectionate? I'm not sure, it's rather instinctive.

XI - I'd go to bed right now and stop expending neurons and iphone battery life on him, that's for sure!

Til next time dear humans!


- iBlog, therefore iAm

This Is What Longing Feels Like

I've been feeling good, happy and stable, perhaps irrationally so. But tonight I really want to hear from SMF. Lately I don't feel so desperate or at the mercy of his communication, I've been coasting along okay.

But tonight I want him. Today I presented my work to the producers of one of the most popular serial dramas on the planet. It went down very well but tonight I feel flat and in need of a romantic pick-me-up. I've got Al Green, one beer and a chocolate frog instead. Should I just reach out for what I need? Should I just call him? Maybe... but I've been SO self-sufficient, it's amazing. I've been uncharacteristically self-sufficient.

Today I went into the screening of my work feeling confident. But I felt flat and concerned during the process of watching it, and in the aftermath felt I'd got off lightly. But I'm my harshest critic.

So now I wonder if I just wait it out again. Tonight's a night where I feel like the support and warmth of a partner to come home to. Tonight I'd like more love in my life than my outstanding tax obligations and wet washing are providing. Tonight I could do with hearing from someone that I love and hearing that they care how I'm feeling about today's milestone. So, should I go searching for that love or just ride out the solo melancholia? Will I send that SMS, make that call? I was feeling so unbelievably in-control of my emotions, so independent and unreliant on his commitment and love... Oh well, I guess the bottom line is that I want the person I love to be there for me when I need them, but not to the extent that I'm dysfunctionally dependent on them.

Maybe I'll put the washing on and then call him. Kill two birds with one stone.

Pathetic Fallacy

Yesterday I turned fragile at work for no apparent reason. I felt teary but the tears didn't come, maybe I was waiting for a glacier.

On the way home I did have a few micro-cries, but the sky did it for me. A pathetic fallacy is when the environment expresses an emotion or at least participates... It's used in cinema regularly.

Turns out I might finally be experiencing PMS like the rest of womankind. I've never had it before but a friend said last night that it's been a lowlight of the years beyond 30. Oh well, whatever, I'm happy being a woman, means I can shag my very special man friend. I'm seeing him tonight and think that might be one reason I've woken full of beans at 6am on a Saturday morning after only 5 hours sleep. We had another fantastic conversation last night. He has an energising effect on me.

So I'm thinking of getting up and taking my way-out-of-shape body to the pool and spa. Or maybe I'll just go back to sleep for a while...

- iBlog, therefore iAm

New Moon

The astrologer I follow with frightening zeal advises one to wish upon the new moon each month. Tonight's the new moon and apparently I should consider and make career and love related wishes...

So, career-wise, I feel I am on the right track... I've just got to keep fear at bay and focus on earning and conserving money, cultivating concentration and increasing creative whimsy. I'd like to do more purely creative pursuits, however small, whilst still developing my writing and directing skills.

And for love, well it's pretty obvious where that is at... I'm still invested in SMF and that feels right at the moment. Today I've been happy and content. I've focussed on work and got through a fair bit. Energy and concentration has been pretty good. So what do I wish for? An easy, honest, amorous and fun relationship, sometime in the near future. In the interim, any hints at or trailers for such a romance will be gratefully welcomed. I wish for reassurance I'm on the right track.

The only current fallout detectable is my health, fitness and domesticity. I've gone from detox to 3 coffees per diem in just seven days.

One day I might just get it all done, wonder what I'd write about then?

-- iBlog, therefore iAm.

Restored

Spent the afternoon with my SMF and my inner calm has been restored. We visited art galleries together, as I'd always hoped. I have moments of wondering how to negotiate our uncertain relationship when I'm with him, but all in all it feels good. I can see who he is inside and I like that person. But he seems to still be orientating himself in this life and I can see why he's not ready for a relationship. So yes, pretty sure (95% so) that it's not a euphemistic rejection. But I'd love a week of unstructured time to get to know that him even more, where we can talk and talk and talk and get to the bottom of things. I think I can tame my inner nymph for the time being, but my desire for him hasn't waned. I really, really, really like his nose.

Reframing via Tram

Travelling home via tram, wondering again about SMF and how he's doing and how he could possibly be feeling about me. All thoughts had negative overtones.

Then, in a microsecond, as we passed felled trees in the botanical gardens, I reframed my situation: each second that passes without hearing from him is a second of him being readier to love me, fully.

I've got to trust that his absence is time well spent and that I haven't been abandoned. There may be a greater payoff in store.

Depressed

Depressed and eating freddo frogs. Just spent the night listening to others talk about themselves; usually I enjoy this.

Feeling like an idiot regarding work and hate the paranoia I have about what colleagues or superiors think of me.

Feeling abandoned by my SMF and hate the how it has confused and disrupted my confidence. I don't don't don't want to ask for reassurance. I want to be strong. But I'm not feeling strong.

Bed will be cosy. Yay for a cosy, safe bed. Yay for no bombs or suicide bombers in my neighbourhood. Yay for civilisation. Yay for freddo frogs.

Better now. Goodnight. xx


-- Posted from iMe.

Man, Music & Mood

Beck did it to me. I shouldn't have listened to him. His Modern Guilt record and various tracks from The Information all contain sensual memories of SMF. Now I'm sad and trying to get back into an optimistic, social mood via The Go-Betweens. I've got to meet some friends for a drink in 1.5 hours and I rather feel like being a housemouse.

I'm still vexed by what I'm feeling and what it means. I don't really know how I'm feeling about him, I just know I want to see him and be close. I want to communicate with silent cuddles. But I haven't seen him for 2 weeks, so guess that's why I'm feeling sad. I fear the next time I see him (in a public context), I will be on guard and not able to express anything.

I don't want nor need to be in a relationship, but I want you back.
I don't want to thwart our individual freedoms, but I want you back.
I don't need you for me to be happy, but I want you back.
I don't need you everyday, or every night, but I want you back.

I want you to want me, but I don't need you to need me.
I want you to smile, I want you to relax, I want you to be happy.
I want us to be right for each other and I want it to be easy. It was easy.

I think I feel abandoned. I don't like feeling abandoned. I wonder what you're thinking and what you felt. I hope you haven't made your mind up already. I was feeling fine and totally appreciating the situation, now I just want physical and tangible reassurance.

I think the only solution to this mood is a mega-walk. At the end of the walk there'll be alcohol and friends. Fingers crossed this mood will pass; I've learnt that they do. But I don't want you to pass.

Thwarted Thoughts

I usually know what I think and operate off strong gut instinct. At the moment i've got a base level of uncomfortable but light confusion. I don't know where to anchor my thoughts and my instinct is seasick and of no use, she's moping down in the galley.

I guess I'm circling around the possibility of rejection. I guess I'm experiencing culture shock that he was close and now he's not.

I really don't know what I feel... Even all of the above may not be true.

Sorry guys. I hope to post soon from more solid temperament.


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Washing Up

I'm washing up and listening to Townes. God he's good.

At the sink with a nondescript pensiveness I thought:

Do I have to let you go? But I was never holding onto you!

Do I have to block your sweetness out of my life? But it seems not right to!

Do I have to move on? But am I really stuck? I don't think so.

I sort of want to cry, but I sort of don't need to. I sort of want you, for comfort, but I'm pretty comfortable.

I sort of want to cry, but things aren't that bad. I think a cry with you would be therapeutic. But you're not here.

I still have Townes though.

Maybe this is just a detox symptom.


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Process & Detox

In almost biblical fashion, I have resolved to attempt an earnest detox this Easter long weekend. I am hoping that after the third day, I will ascend into health heaven.

I look after myself reasonably well, but my little feeble liver and sluggish lymphatic system need a service. It's a Grand Prix pitstop, but without the horrendous noise and nerd-bogan-auto-tourists.

So, let's see how I feel on Sunday... maybe when Mary Magdelene approaches my detox cave she will still weep... I could be catastrophising but i'm not looking forward to caffiene withdrawal and crossing my fingers toxin release is relatively painless. I'm proud of myself that I haven't committed to anything other than health this weekend. I have a moderate amount of to-do's on my list, but sleep, rest and detox will be highest on my agenda. I'm looking forward to 4 days in elective solitary confinement.

Which brings me to the fact that I'm quasi-missing SMF...

I've been trying to work out what's really going on, in the scenario I might have misinterpreted things... but when I look at the physical evidence, how is that possible?

I've been trying to access some kind of instinct that advises whether I'm investing in inevitable disappointment or have met 'the one'; now being the peaceful pre-dawn of a healthy long-term relationship.

He disappears now and again; in theory that's totally cool; in practice it throws open all the lion gates in my brain colosseum. It causes me to live in the past, though not quite as far back as the Roman empire.

A friend who's just been through a breakup said that she and her ex have decided on a regular, scheduled catchup. A weekly social outing and emotional debrief. Brilliant idea, but SMF and I like spontaneity and are not routine types. I like the concept though, it takes the anxiety out of an ambiguous relationship phase such as I'm in.

I want to chat to SMF, hear his syrupy voice and amusing news.

He could be in sad anti-social mode and my instinct is to find out if that's the case and soothe him if it is...

And for me, the odd comforting cuddle as I undergo this Easter detox or a hand to hold as I watch my work go to air on tv tomorrow night would be lovely... But as The Go-Betweens said: "I'm Allright".

-- Posted from bed, detox almost begun...

Routines

I'm carb-loading at midnight. It's how I maintain my figure.

Ticked off one of the several habits I want to be part of my daily routine - washing up dishes before going to bed, by hook or by crook (only exception might be presence of desirable man).

Speaking of which, I had my first significant pangs of sadness today, since Tuesday evening. Can I have one more cuddle? Can I make love to you one more time? He might just be up for it, who knows? Dare I ask? Or will we be together again someday? I'm not going to long for it nor put my life in limbo, but in truth, I do wonder, as there was no sense of fait accompli about the halt to our 'relationship'.

I'm doing fine. I've gotta have a love affair with economic stability and muscle tone before I resume any kind of romance.

I've got productivity, routines and glorious health on the brain.

Sleep well dear humans! Life is good; sleep is proof.

-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Alive

Have survived the day thus far. Tears split, especially from bike, but I am okay. The Go-Betweens have helped.

He is sad. I am sad. I am not angry. I don't feel betrayed. I just feel confused and a little doomed, when I'm wearing my pessimist hat.

But I must sign off, the weather is still warm here in Melbourne as the sun sets and I must jump in the bay. For a swim that is.

Gone

Gone, he be.

Gone, he went.

A brief romance. I know not what moral to take.

He seemed to love me. Even in rejection I didn't feel rejected. But I quickly went back to 70% me, my default vulnerability position.

BUT I AM REJECTED. Clam shell is closing until further notice.

I was very laissez-faire, I was cool. I didn't pressure him. But he's not ready. He's anxious.

Back to shit, for me. Did it not work out because deep down I was scared too?

Guess now I'll be even more scared next time.

'Next time' is not even occurring to me right now. I feel sick and confused. I don't know whether this has happened purely because of his own lack of readiness, or my 70% presence or it just not being meant to be.

But we had so many plans...

But we had so much fun...

Stop the clocks. Stop the world. I'm going to sleep for 100 years.

Weirdest thing is that I knew he was going to tell me this tonight.

Psychic services now offered. Competitive prices. No guarantees.

Fuck you world. Write whatever I'm meant to learn from this in the sky - i'm failing to see the point so far.


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things (with whom I have love-hate relationship).

Shock

Just rode bike home via aftermath of serious accident at an intersection. Female police officer berated me regarding my front light not working. I tried to defend myself. She approached and threateningly pointed out that the man in traction in the middle of the intersection who was receiving CPR was a cyclist who'd just been hit.

By the time I got home only 2 or so minutes later I was a mess of tears. Better get a new front light for my bike.

I really, really hope the man is okay.


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Twin-Love

I'm in love with a Gemini, God help me. He's in absentia.

It's good for my resilience and cultivating autonomous happiness though. But it's also a little disconcerting...

But, still I can have happy days, happy moments, happy hours... My state of mind isn't locked up with him, he doesn't have the key.

Yes I worry, worry about what his absence might mean or result in, but really, how is worrying going to help?

As one of my favourite quotes goes: 'Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due'.


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Exhaustion

Should've washed up, didn't.

Should've cleaned teeth, didn't.

Should've achieved more today, didn't.

Sleep offers redemption, but i'm also powerless against it right now.

Made awesome daal for dinner, now have allergic headache.

Sleep offers redemption.


-- Posted from bed.

Money, free me

I am totally trapped by my fiscal situation, well mostly anyway... it's tres embarassing and tres depressing. This morning I was REALLY depressed by it. What whisked me out of that mood was being out on a boat when a severe rainstorm hit Melbourne. I love being immersed in a bit of natural disaster; it really cures melancholia!

My money situation actually BAFFLES me. I've learnt the power of CAPITAL LETTERS from that delightful wordsmith BG now known as SMF. I hope my abominable money situation won't lessen his estimation of me. It certainly lessens my estimation of myself. It's incredible. I don't really understand it. I know that I'm not earning much/enough money. But the fact that I'm slipping further into debt and never seem to accumulate any savings is desperately alarming. But I don't know what I can do about it in the short-term and the long-term puts the fear in me, that i'll always be trapped like this. I wonder why it's happened... I've certainly never focussed on earning money and lately I've been living on faith. I keep counting on a miracle, but deep down I don't want to be rescued, I want to pay my way, but then I feel if I had a windfall I would really deserve it about now.

I just spent my last pennies on waxing. I felt it was something I couldn't compromise on... this is how skewed my life and finances are.... The good thing about such poverty is that in the last few weeks I've got really excited about small amounts of money landing in my account. I told SMF the other day that I've managed to block out the worry and negative thoughts about money. The fact that I'm managing to get by without money and still 'go about the motions of life' buoys me.

To be honest I've been feeling pretty flat the last week or so... or strangely and uncharacteristically subdued. I did an equation and worked out why:

well documented post-film-completion depression + magnificent elation of love + severe money anxiety = completely flat as a crepe

I think I need to be hospitalised for poor money management. I'm looking into getting more work asap but the present and the future are still very worrisome. I want to go to a dear friend's wedding in New Zealand in August, furthermore, I'd like to do a stopover somewhere more tropical... this and buying a snazzy digital SLR camera by the end of 2010 are my main new year's resolutions.

What can I do to remedy my situation asap? I'm heeding the feng shui advice of a friend - to keep the toilet seat and bathroom door shut - what else do I need to do except pray, be good and work hard? I've downloaded an iphone app for tracking expenses.... I feel like I'm missing a money earning and saving chromosome. Surgery to have one implanted it out of my reach at the moment, very costly!

Still living on faith, love, a wing and a prayer.

So You Thought Life Was Good?

So you were living the dream, riding the wave sans-money, feeling fantastic and optimistic about life? So you thought you were lucky and staggered at how good things can actually happen?

You needed a reality check. You needed to realise just how fragile you are.

That's me. I'm talking to myself. I'm outside myself. It's too unpleasant inside.

Had my first scare in the land of romance. Nothing bad has actually happened, I just realised how vulnerable I am, given how intensely I want this man. I've sent myself to the very edge and was gung-ho-ly scaling down the cliff face. Now hanging on and too scared to move further. I'm going to fall soon anyway as I can't afford the rent on this precipice.

I was in a lose-lose situation money wise, so I took a gamble work-wise. Was immediately given a sign I'd make the right decision. Now 48hours later I'm visualising danger signs in every direction in my life.

Feeling powerless to make SMF feel more comfortable. I don't want to be needy, I want to be strong. Love has the most bizarre effect on the brain. Everything is amplified. A good vibe is euphoric, a bad vibe is catastrophic.

Here I am, Miss Catastrophe. I used to call myself Ms OK. I guess my heart's not racing, I guess I'm not crying, I guess I'm not hyperventilating, so things can't be that bad. I'm just sad and scared and back in the unfun reality of my messy apartment and empty bank account.

I also finished a film today and overall felt disappointed and demoralised. So yes, it hasn't been a great day. Can I turn it around by tackling my domestic chaos? Zest is nil to none.

Desperate?

So want to love-cuddle the SMF tonight... Ah but he hasn't responded... Rationally I'm not bothered, but of course my anxieties question whether I am/was a bad shag and if my email reply to his this morning was too bold. Logically I know he's likely busy... But I want security!! I'm so Cancerian... Yet I'm bizarrely better at living in the present these days...


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Can Hardly Wait

So, career achievements today = tick!

So, more minutes spent having SMF's maple syrup voice pour over and through me = tick!

So, following a diet of chocolate biscuits and meat pies as recommended for stressful periods = tick!

SMF says he might pop if he doesn't come back to Melbourne soon, so might I! Bravely fending off anxious thoughts that he'll change his mind or not be as loving upon his return. Yes, having faith that romance can be the stuff of dreams. Preparing to NOT be disappointed if he's not back by the end of this week. But still hoping he will be. Trying reasonably hard to play it cool and not spray desperation everywhere. Not hard as actually don't think I'm really that desperate. So interesting to be falling in love at 30 and not need validation of any kind. Though hearing, feeling and knowing that he finds me beautiful despite my flaws would probably be a weight off my thighs.

I'm calmly excited and optimistic about what might happen next... We all deserve good things. Believe it.

-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Brain Explosion

Well... brain is in overdrive, overload, overflow, synaptic shock, meltdown.... all those things. I've got to direct a scene tomorrow, just the one (so why am I complaining?!), but I'm pretty scared. I can't concentrate because I want to make love properly to that wonderful man again.

Contemplating whether the catch 22 is the impending career doom?! See-sawing between faith that I underestimate my preparation and fear that I am hours away from public humiliation... yet fear isn't breeding concentration. I just want to drink beer and dance around the house.

The dusk light is beautiful outside. I might step out onto the balcony. Friend gave me some scooby-fun a few weeks ago and I'm enjoying the ritual of having a joint here and there. But that's super naughty! But isn't it a little luxury in my totally unbalanced worklife? How to resist?!! Speaking of which, how to fend off thoughts of unparalleled sexual desire for my eternally special man friend....? Golly gosh the brain changes when one realises that they might actually be falling in love.

Furthermore, regarding the dirty thirties; I have arrived.

Day 2

Totally freaked out today and had mini anxiety attack about work and LOVE. Wanted the world to stop so I could get off for 3 days, or even half an hour.


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Dream = Reality

It's happened. Has it?!

It feels so easy. Is it?

I managed to wait almost a year. Historic.

Please, please, please! Keep getting better.

-- Posted from bed; he was here next to me not that long ago. Come back again, I'm just crazy about you babe.

Yesterday Goodness

Yesterday, I saw him.
Yesterday, I think I got a farewell kiss on lips. As time marches on I wonder if I imagined it or not...

Goodness, I feel good when I'm with him. Goodness, he's a beautiful dag. I'm considering whether now is the time to be bold. When I'm with him I just want to be gentle. My goodness, catch bloody 22.

-- Posted from bed on a Sunday morning; my kind of church.

Man Friend Excitement

Seeing SMF aka BG tomorrow. Feels like he's instigated it. I'm excited-slash-scared. High-time I made love to someone but a stretch that'll happen with him before i'm due at airport early afternoon.

Great, heartening day career-wise.

Call me nutty, but I do believe life is better after 30.

-- Posted from a very small computer!

Quasi-breakdown

Staggered and proud that I'm not having a nervous breakdown. I must be learning as I live life.

I'm constantly reinforcing the fact that I'm coping fine with the stress I'm under, even if it is uncharacteristic. I'm laughing at my anxiety and paying heed to all I'm getting done. The application 'Things' for mac and iPhone is helping!

So, am I in denial or actually fine? Why am I so optimistic that I'll survive with so little money? I'm staring down the barrel of a month of non-stop work. I know I will somehow, someway, cope. If I don't add anxiety to the mix it can't rise.

This morning I had the foresight and courage to postpone one of the commitments that was causing me stress.

I'm an evolved person to that of 3 or more years ago. I feel good about who I am and the decisions I make, mostly. Shit, must be having a positive day or be deranged!

I'm not perfect, but hold me to it.

I recommend Erik Satie compositions for relaxation.

-- Posted from one of those iPhone things. Due to be turned off asap.

Overwhelmed

Feel overwhelmed and the need to blog but my new routine is not to use computer or phone after about 9:30-10pm at night and I only just turned computer off. So turning off phone now and praying to the underwhelming gods overnight.

-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

How long?

Still haven't vacuumed floor, but does that mean I have to wait?! Songs shuffling in my iTunes that alternately provoke thoughts of one of the two men that are bothering (stirring) me at present. Yes, the same ol fellows: SMF and his talented-shit-together friend. What worries me most is I've lost the power of seduction, or never had it. I'm too coarse, too defensive, too boyish, too guarded. Always thought personality would carry me through to the other side, in lieu of beauty, but now I'm not so sure.

I'm SO careful with words with SMF. Want to be gentle with him and yet I probably come off feeble. Hurry up and turn this situation around, before I fall at your feet. It doesn't even make sense why a girl like me is HANGING ON, hanging onto something completely intangible. Aren't I smart enough to know when to give up? Don't I have better things to do? Aren't I writing the musings of a 17yo?!

Can I truly blame biology? Can I exercise anymore self control? Please?!

Will look to my Brain that Changes Itself book for solace.

-- Posted from my machine of the night.

That Desperate Look

Wondering if i've got that desperate look about me? Like a drooling wolf? i.e Men can smell my sexual desperation and fear what it may mean about my personality.

Wondering if I've lost my powers of seduction, or if I ever had any?

Not sleeping well at present.

-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Double-sided brain map

I'm reading 'The Brain That Changes Itself' by Norman Doidge. Really enjoying it but would more so if it had some diagrams!

So I'm reading about neuroplasticity and have learnt about the fundamental remappings of the brain that happen when one falls in love; nature's way of encouraging commitment and reproduction.

So why, when I'm so proudly of stable mind, have I had two polarised reactions to emails from SMF within 4 days? All he had to do was ever so slightly change his tone and my seesaw seat has come crashing down to the gravel. But hey, I'm okay, I just like melodramatic language.

I'm ready to fall in love, my brain is ready to morph and remap to accomodate and adore someone else's personality. Body only a kilometre behind brain. I did my pilates routine again tonight (and mini-yoga routine this morning!). Wonder if body and physical appearance are holding me back from romance or my dry personality just isn't that appealing? Or maybe it's the universe telling me I need to vacuum my floor before I can throw a man on it.

-- Posted from iPhoney vAnoney