Not Past the Depression Post

Problem with my brain is that I go from struggling with mild disappointments, fears, etc. to full scale depression in very little time. Like the acceleration in one of those awesome Ferraris. I hate those kind of cars.

Every area of my life has collapsed in my mind. I'm not eating unless a friend escorts me into the outside world. I don't want to go overseas next weekend. The destination and event is not appropriate for a depressed person. I'm trying to figure out how I can move home to live with my parents for a month or two, whilst still meeting my fucking financial commitments. I'm googling the issues involved with cancelling my flight and informing the very kind funding body that I'm not fit to travel.

Looking back over the past few blog posts, my mood has obviously dwindled in the last fortnight or two. So maybe I haven't gone from 0-180kph as fast as it feels, but I seriously thought I was safe from a plummet such as this. Yesterday's chat with SMF, even though it had to happen, is clearly the trigger for this meltdown, but the scope of what I'm actually struggling with is far wider. I guess the feeling of being rejected and the necessary emotional hangover isn't fitting into my grand plan of Tokyo-style productivity. I'm feeling very fragile and seriously considering how I can forfeit life with minimal repercussions. But hey, don't be alarmed, I've been here in bad brain land before. I'm feeling angry at life. Powerless. Disinterested. Unmotivated.

I want to innocently take a safe quantity of sleeping tablets, to turn off the poison taps in my brain. I've promised my dear friend and neighbour that I will go to the pool before it closes. So I guess the knockout-self plan will have to go on the backburner for an hour or two.