Sleep

Tonight as I settle in to bed I am thinking of some snoring from earlier this evening.

Visiting some of Melbourne's more pleasant public toilets, I observed there was only one corner cubicle occupied in the amenities. Whilst I undertook the purpose of the visit I realised a distinct repetitive snore was sounding from that occupied cubicle. Not a pigeon in the roof, but a snore, a human snore.

This snore was at once humorous, very sad but also strangely comforting. As although the anonymous snorer needed and deserved a comfy place to lie down, I felt it was good that they could at least find a private place in the CBD for a decent snooze, and that they were clearly clocking up some zzzs in such a undesirable resting place. They obviously thought like I that these toilets on Collins St were the pick of the bunch.

I have been pondering for some time the idea of opening a sleep hotel in the city, and it's now occurred to me that if I do so I should also make it accessible to the homeless.

Good sleep is a basic human right.

Trams

This morning I am faced with the choice of proximity to urine-stench man or man-who-likes-morning-paint-sniffing. Thankfully I've found a happy medium position where neither odour overpowers.

Yesterday I stepped back in fear as the No. 1 Royal Tram hurtled towards me at high speed, looking like it might derail. I think the driver particularly enjoyed fanging Our Majesty's tram.

Next stop.

Mini Post 008

Oh domestic bliss! How quickly you unravel!

I'm surprised I haven't mentioned it yet, but I've been living sans-antidepressants for a few months now.

Woohoo: evolving human.

Dinner for 1

Made myself a delicious steak sandwich for dinner.

Still interested in vegetarian men.

A Conversation called Frank

After an interesting few weeks of more contact with TKO, enjoyable though it has been, I quizzed him tonight on his seemingly renewed enthusiasm for me. Why was he calling me almost everyday and inviting me around to his house to watch films?

A frank discussion was had. The only particularly positive outcome was the ease of the honesty.

The saga continues! My head and my heart would likely indicate that this man is not a preferred option and to reject him as if I was John West. But my gut and my sixth sense tell me there's something about this connection that's worth not being flippant about.

In any case I've mostly been calm about the whole conundrum.

in the quest not to think...

I just sat down to start a post, as it's been a while. Recently I've thought and felt a lot of things that I feel inclined to write about, in an effort towards 'processing'.

But unusually I don't feel inclined to write anything, even though I've got a great deal I could express.

I've been trying very hard to not to over-analyse, over-think, or over-feel lately. I'm trying to stay in the present.

But earlier this week I had a lovely evening with TKO. I was finally at ease, at my best, and open with him. I enjoyed him for who he is - the witty, individual thinker, generous hearted, child-like spirited dashing fellow he is.

Why was I looking for the bad in the first few months I was with him? I can't look back now. I shouldn't analyse the past. I've got to live now.

But I still like him. I am still drawn to him. A stranger in the bottle shop and a busker on the street noted our chemistry. But there's nothing more I can do. The only thing I can do is be open hearted. I will continue to be honest.

I will try not to think. I will simply and happily, live.

Public Crying

I've been doing a lot of it lately. I hold it together for the period I absolutely need to: a day at work, a few hours in a meeting or with friends; but as soon as I'm released into the oxygen and anonymity of the outside world I break down. And not in a rap dance kind of way.

Today was hard. I felt like a failure. I felt I embarrassed myself. But regardless, when I think of the Relationship That Didn't Work Out, I just cry. If this emotional spag bog doesn't resolve itself by Wednesday, I think I should perhaps postpone Thursday night's catchup with TKO.

Why?

Why am I still 'hung up' on you? Why do I still quietly entertain notions of a reunion? Why, when it clearly is over, do I still think it could work?

Am I climbing up a mountain about to landslide? Am I deluding my ostensibly intelligent self?

I wonder how long it will be before I give up? Let go?

To be honest, I am mostly at peace about the Relationship That Didn't Work Out, but I do still feel a longing, a missing, a hoping...

Mini Post 007

Today in a cafe I was presented with a situation that's left me wondering: should you tell a stranger his trouser fly is undone? 

What I Want

Despite how much I bare on this blog, I'm finding it difficult to post about what I truly feel at present. I've started then abandoned several posts in the last week or so. I've been writing in my journal to try to process my thoughts without burdening my blog readers... and this afternoon I ascertained what is bothering me. I want a second chance at the relationship with TKO. Of course this may be a futile desire as it takes two willing humans to form a happy relationship, but if I'm honest, it is what I want. It's embarrassing, but it's what I want.

I miss him. I now recognise my influence in the apparent 'reactive loop' we were in. I want another chance in the relationship. I want to be open this time. But I guess he has to want that too...

I'm not blaming myself, I'm not judging myself, I just want the universe to grant us another opportunity to be together with open hearts.  

Cries of Clarity

I finally had an honest discussion with TKO the other night; re: why he didn't feel our relationship held promise. Finally, it does make sense but now I'm grieving fully for the first time, and yet all over again.

Tara Brach is helping. A dear friend recommended this wise woman's soothing, refreshing and humorous talks to me and I've been raving about them to anyone I think might be interested, including TKO.

A guided reflection I just did during one of her podcasts caused me to curl up in foetal position and cry, cry, cry.

I understand now my influence in the Relationship That Didn't Work Out. This is making the disappointment feel even deeper. I don't blame myself and I understand why I acted the way I did. But I didn't consider that my conduct might be such a significant factor in our relationship not working. Or did I? I do recall feeling like maybe the fact I was on guard meant TKO wasn't getting to know the 'real me'. And ultimately, that I didn't feel comfortable to love him freely and openly was the reason I ended it in the first place.

Without regret, I do wonder if I should have tried harder to communicate what I needed. Why was I so rash? I was trying to be strong and not force nor talk him in to loving me.

But maybe if during our relationship we communicated in the way we did the other night I'd still be able to share those glorious cuddles... But will I always feel this as a loss? Will I always feel that we somehow missed a golden opportunity? Will that opportunity come again? Can I find a way to trust in what the future will bring rather than mourning the past?

In one of the Tara Brach podcasts I recall hearing something like this:

Peace is just this moment, without judgement.

It'd be responsible to say...

...that today I feel like I've got a little bit of my mojo back.

Swimming in Shit Creek

Things aren't going that well for me at the moment, but I'm staving off suicidal notions. I'm up shit creek but managing to keep my head above poo.

Career and finances need a miracle. Don't know what romance needs. Probably don't even need romance. It's presence would be a nice distraction though.

Will be interesting to see how long I can tread and keep myself afloat in this shit.

Trifecta

Fuck me. Tonight at a function I ended up in a 4-way conversation with BG/SMF, TKO and The Boy with the Bad Surname aka The Original Crush! What are the fucking odds?!

Heartache

I'm not functioning very well tonight. Anything other lying in bed feels beyond me. Hoping to psyche myself up to do some reading after I finish this post. I don't read nearly as much as I'd like to and it's times like this that I know it'd be good for me:

“To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all the miseries of life.” — W. Somerset Maugham

Although I've had good moments, hours and days over the last week, today I've been pretty sad. I feel physically flattened with a dull tight ache in my chest. You might think I'm a hypochondriac but it's true; I've actually got a sore heart.

The only bright side of my plunge into melancholy of the last week is that I haven't had even one fleeting suicidal thought. This is a significant step forward for me. Maybe this is because romantic rejection has been the obvious trigger for the sadness and I haven't let it affect my self-esteem this time. It's just an overwhelming sense of loss and disappointment. However a few dominos in other areas of my life have tipped over too - my career and future is feeling pretty shit too. But I don't want to die, so that's a marvellous rock for me to hold on to. It's like the elevator doesn't go lower than the ground floor and the dirty basement is no longer easily accessible. This is a very good thing.

I know I deserve better in love. I know I'm lovable. I'm sure I'll meet someone else one day soon. But I'm still mourning him. I liked him. I loved him. I imagined we'd be good together into the future. Although I know my friends are looking after my best interests, it hurts even more when they bluntly discard the notion of him. I feel even more like a fool for being emotionally invested in him. Yes, his
uncertainty was destabilising for me. But he seemed to want to stay together and ride it out. Having my own foibles, I didn't and don't expect perfection in any human.

Tomorrow night I'm catching up with BG aka SMF - the one I used to want so desperately. But I don't feel that way anymore. I still think he's fabulous and am glad to have him as a dear friend, but I've just spent the last 6 months reflecting on how TKO's personality is actually quite good for me. And I move on like a glacier. No rebound girl here. I was so cautious and scared when I started seeing TKO and now my trust has taken another knock. But I'm born to love and that is ultimately what wasn't working in my relationship with TKO. I didn't feel free to love him.

Wish me luck with my reading habit.

Til next time dear humans!

Disbelief

I can't believe someone like me has been hurt by someone like you. How did I get led into this? I was cautious. I protected myself. I waited for signs you were serious and now this: a fucked situation where I want to vomit all the time. I don't want to be friends with you. My friends are honest and good. And although deep down I still think you are too, I still can't believe I misjudged you. My vanity and instinct still can't believe you weren't serious about me. Maybe it's my vanity that won't accept you're a bad egg. I feel violated. I feel like a fool.

I am heartbroken.

Missing You

I miss you. Wanted you in my life as a partner. Wondering whether this sense of loss means anything or whether I'd be feeling this way no matter who you are or were. Sometimes I wonder whether my romantic imagination causes me more problems than good?

Tomorrow will be a week since that fait accompli-lunch. I've felt a complete gamut of emotions since then. Anger. Nausea. Disbelief. Calm. Openness. Happiness. Rejection. Emancipation. Heartbreak.

I'll survive. I am surviving. I'm still feeling like I won't be able to maintain a platonic friendship with you and I'm not sure exactly why. I have various reasons to justify this stance but perhaps I'm being uncharacteristically hypocritical.

I know I can't dwell in what was or what might have been. But I still can't quite accept that it didn't feel right to you. I don't know if I have selective hearing, but even in rejecting me I sensed you weren't totally sure. But I'd be an idiot to question you right now.

Goodbye love. Thanks for the cuddles, thanks for the amazing swims in icy oceans, thanks for your optimism, your calmness, your warmth, your intelligence, your generosity. I wish I could also say thank you for openness, commitment, faith, clarity and communication. I believed you when you said I was different and you felt comfortable with me. I believed you when you said you wanted us to work out and plan holidays together. I still don't understand why you pulled away. I'd almost be prepared to be hurt all over again and worse, just to know that you were sure and not denying your feelings.

I wish I wasn't holding on to possibility... In practice, I don't think this faint and perhaps vain hope is stopping me from doing anything I should be doing to move on. But at the same time it'd be nice to not be entertaining potentially foolish thoughts.

I'm just basically fearing that I'll later realise my irrationality or blindness. But I also want to keep my heart open to you. But will you do the same for me?

My 20c

I think a citizens committee should make all decisions relating to Australia's immigration policy and border protection. And all committee members should be Indigenous Australians.

What a Shame

What a shame such a lovely guy like you struggles with commitment. What a shame such a sensitive man can't express his conflicted feelings, or doesn't know whether to trust them. Is this the complete reasoning behind our failed relationship? I am hoping so and that I may still be the woman that makes commitment easy and rewarding for you... But I am also considering that it could mean that we're simply not right for each other, you didn't love me enough... blah, blah, blah... and that possibility makes me feel sick. Sick and foolish. Yesterday I stored away the Valentines card you gave me.

Feelings at Present

Hurt. Dissapointed. Pissed off. Confused. Nauseous. Empowered. Flattened. Humiliated. Tired. Entitled. 

Granola

I terrorised the kitchen last night through making an enormous batch of granola! The second batch in as many weeks. This batch is a notable improvement. I've been adapting David Lebovitz and Nigella Lawson's recipes to meet my food chemical sensitivity needs!

My version omits the sugar, salt and sesame seeds, uses pear puree in place of apple, maple syrup instead of honey, cashews rather than almonds, and quinoa flakes along with the oats for extra protein!

Yumbo! Plan is for this batch to last longer than a week.

Dream 002

Had a very detailed dream this morning that I was appointed CEO of Commonwealth Bank of Australia!

Reason To Live 005

Bouganvillea

Reason To Live 004

To cycle home on balmy nights.

Reason To Live 003

To eat croissants.

Rock Bottom

Rock bottom sounds nice to me: tropical, mystical, peaceful.

Because I feel as though I've hit Sludge Bottom, and am sinking into the slime. Rocks might give me something to hold on to.

But I'm okay. Just. In spite of everything.

Meltdown Report

Awake in middle of night. Again. Managed to sleep for 2.5hrs after going to bed early to look after myself rather than my work obligations.

I've been trying to analyse why I had such a major meltdown today; why did work stress which I mostly can handle, set me off?

I looked back to the last time I recall having such a public meltdown and had to cancel commitments, to look for a pattern. This is what I deduced:

When work stress collides with personal relationship stress I'm pushed to the edge. When this situation is underpinned by ongoing money and life failure stress, I'm a goner.

So there's the algorithm. Take one Ms OK, submerge in significant workload with multiple simultaneous deadlines, add one week-old feeling of abandonment, double boil over pre-prepared sense of life failure and KABOOM!! MELTDOWN!!

The only pleasantness in this emotional stress I'm riding out is that I've had the Bill Withers song Lovely Day in my head for the last 24hours.

I need a miracle to fix my life and work situation. I also perhaps need a man who looks after me a bit better. Wonder when I'll have opportunity to discuss that with him? Can I prevent another meltdown while my heart's detained in an offshore detention centre?

If you can't feasibly get a brain transplant...

...then try Holosync meditation CDs. I am amazed at their capacity to dissolve my mental distress and shift anger and confusion.

I've just come out of listening to the meditations for an hour. Not sure how long the effects will last but at least I feel calmer and stronger ahead of seeing my manfriend tonight. It's unclear where we're headed and I'm experiencing quasi-rejection depression.

Bet I'm not the only one this Valentines Day!!!

Festival of Allergies

This weekend has been bit of a write-off due to a major allergy attack. I am sensitive to food chemicals; amines, salicylates and glutamates. A beer and small amount of cheese on Friday tipped me over the edge. These food chemicals were totally unbeknownst to me up until 4years ago, my allergies being mis or only partially diagnosed for over 20 years. My Aussie pride swelled when I found that a Sydney hospital was the brains behind and driving awareness of these food intolerances.

So, after several months of not really adhering to my low allergy diet, my nose exploded into a frenzy and I've been pretty much incapacitated this weekend.

And in the outside world today was the St Kilda Festival in my general neighbourhood. I really detest the festival and my reasonings sound misanthropic. It just seems to be a purposeless gathering of human beings. I totally support the notion of live music outdoors and for free, but what bothers me is that doesn't seem to be the reason so many people flock to St Kilda on this day every year. Why are they coming? To relish the opportunity to wander around in massive crowds on blocked off roads? I guess it's good for all the local businesses and the security guards will be getting Sunday rates whilst watching scantily-clad backpackers pash each other.

My views on the St Kilda festival were formed many years ago, well before this day of allergy attacks and relationship unrest. More on that later. Maybe.

Anger

I rarely get angry. If and when I do, it's rarely at anyone other than myself. Even bad traffic jams don't bother me that much.

But this evening I was so angry I wanted to crash my car into something. Below are possible reasons for the uncharacteristic anger (in order of suspected influence):

*bought lemonade at McDonalds because it was so hot today. I never shop at McDonalds and feel they may have spiked my drink with serial killer sauce.
*my car has no air-conditioning and rattles like a bastard. The heat doesn't usually bother me but today I vowed that any vehicle I purchase in the future MUST have air-con.
*building works at my apartment have produced awful and potent paint fumes that made me feel physically unwell today. The same works have caused a bit of domestic chaos (what's new?) as we've had to move everything off the balcony.
*I have neglected to get a repeat prescription of my brain medication filled. Not by design, just out of slackness.
*Various other minor influences on my unusually irritable mood.

Kind of feel that cuddles with my manfriend (TKO) might sort me out, but I've even been snappy with him in the last 24hours so could be dangerous.

Been A While...

Various reasons why I haven't been blogging... but generally I've been out of whack and any routine I had went to a pack of rabid dogs sometime in November last year.

Yesterday I was quite depressed and went searching for solace on the internet (in the old days one went to the local church for quiet reflection). Thankfully after many hours I landed upon something that stuck:

The American philosopher-psychologist William James (1842-1910) apparently said: “Action seems to follow feeling, but really action and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not.”

So, I'm going to try acting the way I want to feel... Doing the things I would do if I was of stellar mood.