So You Thought Life Was Good?

So you were living the dream, riding the wave sans-money, feeling fantastic and optimistic about life? So you thought you were lucky and staggered at how good things can actually happen?

You needed a reality check. You needed to realise just how fragile you are.

That's me. I'm talking to myself. I'm outside myself. It's too unpleasant inside.

Had my first scare in the land of romance. Nothing bad has actually happened, I just realised how vulnerable I am, given how intensely I want this man. I've sent myself to the very edge and was gung-ho-ly scaling down the cliff face. Now hanging on and too scared to move further. I'm going to fall soon anyway as I can't afford the rent on this precipice.

I was in a lose-lose situation money wise, so I took a gamble work-wise. Was immediately given a sign I'd make the right decision. Now 48hours later I'm visualising danger signs in every direction in my life.

Feeling powerless to make SMF feel more comfortable. I don't want to be needy, I want to be strong. Love has the most bizarre effect on the brain. Everything is amplified. A good vibe is euphoric, a bad vibe is catastrophic.

Here I am, Miss Catastrophe. I used to call myself Ms OK. I guess my heart's not racing, I guess I'm not crying, I guess I'm not hyperventilating, so things can't be that bad. I'm just sad and scared and back in the unfun reality of my messy apartment and empty bank account.

I also finished a film today and overall felt disappointed and demoralised. So yes, it hasn't been a great day. Can I turn it around by tackling my domestic chaos? Zest is nil to none.