To Ascertain the Past

I've been awake and up for over an hour. I've spent most of that time frantically looking for my August 2016 mobile phone bill: in my tax records, in my emails, on the Optus website, and in the depths of my heart...

I'm trying to find if I made any calls to my dearest Special Man Friend (aka Boy Genius) on first weekend of August 2016. It's a deeply distressing and unsatisfying archaeological dig. The purpose of my quest is:

• to know if I called him promptly on Sunday morning, after I read an email he'd sent late Saturday night 

• to ascertain if I was thorough enough in trying to contact and look after him, in the hours and days following his cry-for-help-esque email

As yet I can't find anything solid to relieve my futile anxiety about the past; did I or did I not, fully support my soulmate when he really needed me? 

The reason for this wild stabbing around in the dark net of emails and phone records is thus: my soulmate died suddenly and unexpectedly, nearly 9 months ago. FUCK. I can't believe it's already been 9 months....   

His death remains unascertained by the coroner. 

I suspect I wouldn't feel much better even if I had all the phone call and text evidence anyway.... If I did pester him to answer the phone, or send him loving text messages; what did I say? Did I make him feel better? Did I fully support him in the way he needed at the time? 

The last 24 hours, up until I embarked on this ridiculous digital dig 90 minutes ago, I felt quite good. I felt his warm, hilarious, sparkly spirit alive inside and all around me. I have to dive back in to that. And now I'm running WAY BEHIND SCHEDULE. I'm supposed to leave house in 10mins, but I'm currently still in my PJs, having not had shower, nor done my yoga practice. 

Later alligator!