SMF and I have had to define our relationship over the last 24 hours. I don't know how I'm feeling. Surviving I guess. Must stop this post temporarily and change the radio station, some really bad jazz is playing.
Ahh... I'm back. Rolling Stones are now on, much better.
All I want is to love him and be loved back. Unfortunately the timing is still not good for that to be anything more than platonic. I appreciate his honesty and self-awareness, but I'm trying very hard not to interpret it as rejection.
So, for purposes of constructiveness, what do I want from here? What do I wish for? Last month I wished that I would adopt a lifelong healthy lifestyle of good eating and regular exercise, predominately regular swimming; to maintain domestic bliss and routines and complete unfinished craft projects; get out of financial debt, buy a car, go to NZ for my friends' August wedding; and lastly, that I'm not wrong about the 'rightness' I feel with SMF. My success with all of the above is questionable, but it's good to have plans and I'm herewith going to restate and revise them:
Health - physical and mental. It's really crucial I do things to keep myself happy and healthy over the next little while, as I sense my self-worth might be a little teetering... So, exercise, square meals, and activities that are proven to elevate my mood, such as covering a wall with pictures.
Routines - attempt domestic discipline. I love made beds and washed dishes. Commit to some home craftiness and happy habits like reading, as they feed into the earlier listed desires.
Fiscal Realities - get my tax sorted out and be mindful with money. Book flight to NZ. Attempt to meet financial commitments before spending elsewhere, like I used to do, before I prioritised moderate social activity over creditor responsibilities.
Romance & Self-Worth - try my bestest not to question SMF's intentions and mess the interpretation into rejection in my head. To send love via platonic means and keep an open mind for the future. Restore faith in whatever the hell is going on.
