This Is What Longing Feels Like

I've been feeling good, happy and stable, perhaps irrationally so. But tonight I really want to hear from SMF. Lately I don't feel so desperate or at the mercy of his communication, I've been coasting along okay.

But tonight I want him. Today I presented my work to the producers of one of the most popular serial dramas on the planet. It went down very well but tonight I feel flat and in need of a romantic pick-me-up. I've got Al Green, one beer and a chocolate frog instead. Should I just reach out for what I need? Should I just call him? Maybe... but I've been SO self-sufficient, it's amazing. I've been uncharacteristically self-sufficient.

Today I went into the screening of my work feeling confident. But I felt flat and concerned during the process of watching it, and in the aftermath felt I'd got off lightly. But I'm my harshest critic.

So now I wonder if I just wait it out again. Tonight's a night where I feel like the support and warmth of a partner to come home to. Tonight I'd like more love in my life than my outstanding tax obligations and wet washing are providing. Tonight I could do with hearing from someone that I love and hearing that they care how I'm feeling about today's milestone. So, should I go searching for that love or just ride out the solo melancholia? Will I send that SMS, make that call? I was feeling so unbelievably in-control of my emotions, so independent and unreliant on his commitment and love... Oh well, I guess the bottom line is that I want the person I love to be there for me when I need them, but not to the extent that I'm dysfunctionally dependent on them.

Maybe I'll put the washing on and then call him. Kill two birds with one stone.