Money, free me

I am totally trapped by my fiscal situation, well mostly anyway... it's tres embarassing and tres depressing. This morning I was REALLY depressed by it. What whisked me out of that mood was being out on a boat when a severe rainstorm hit Melbourne. I love being immersed in a bit of natural disaster; it really cures melancholia!

My money situation actually BAFFLES me. I've learnt the power of CAPITAL LETTERS from that delightful wordsmith BG now known as SMF. I hope my abominable money situation won't lessen his estimation of me. It certainly lessens my estimation of myself. It's incredible. I don't really understand it. I know that I'm not earning much/enough money. But the fact that I'm slipping further into debt and never seem to accumulate any savings is desperately alarming. But I don't know what I can do about it in the short-term and the long-term puts the fear in me, that i'll always be trapped like this. I wonder why it's happened... I've certainly never focussed on earning money and lately I've been living on faith. I keep counting on a miracle, but deep down I don't want to be rescued, I want to pay my way, but then I feel if I had a windfall I would really deserve it about now.

I just spent my last pennies on waxing. I felt it was something I couldn't compromise on... this is how skewed my life and finances are.... The good thing about such poverty is that in the last few weeks I've got really excited about small amounts of money landing in my account. I told SMF the other day that I've managed to block out the worry and negative thoughts about money. The fact that I'm managing to get by without money and still 'go about the motions of life' buoys me.

To be honest I've been feeling pretty flat the last week or so... or strangely and uncharacteristically subdued. I did an equation and worked out why:

well documented post-film-completion depression + magnificent elation of love + severe money anxiety = completely flat as a crepe

I think I need to be hospitalised for poor money management. I'm looking into getting more work asap but the present and the future are still very worrisome. I want to go to a dear friend's wedding in New Zealand in August, furthermore, I'd like to do a stopover somewhere more tropical... this and buying a snazzy digital SLR camera by the end of 2010 are my main new year's resolutions.

What can I do to remedy my situation asap? I'm heeding the feng shui advice of a friend - to keep the toilet seat and bathroom door shut - what else do I need to do except pray, be good and work hard? I've downloaded an iphone app for tracking expenses.... I feel like I'm missing a money earning and saving chromosome. Surgery to have one implanted it out of my reach at the moment, very costly!

Still living on faith, love, a wing and a prayer.