Heartache

I'm not functioning very well tonight. Anything other lying in bed feels beyond me. Hoping to psyche myself up to do some reading after I finish this post. I don't read nearly as much as I'd like to and it's times like this that I know it'd be good for me:

“To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all the miseries of life.” — W. Somerset Maugham

Although I've had good moments, hours and days over the last week, today I've been pretty sad. I feel physically flattened with a dull tight ache in my chest. You might think I'm a hypochondriac but it's true; I've actually got a sore heart.

The only bright side of my plunge into melancholy of the last week is that I haven't had even one fleeting suicidal thought. This is a significant step forward for me. Maybe this is because romantic rejection has been the obvious trigger for the sadness and I haven't let it affect my self-esteem this time. It's just an overwhelming sense of loss and disappointment. However a few dominos in other areas of my life have tipped over too - my career and future is feeling pretty shit too. But I don't want to die, so that's a marvellous rock for me to hold on to. It's like the elevator doesn't go lower than the ground floor and the dirty basement is no longer easily accessible. This is a very good thing.

I know I deserve better in love. I know I'm lovable. I'm sure I'll meet someone else one day soon. But I'm still mourning him. I liked him. I loved him. I imagined we'd be good together into the future. Although I know my friends are looking after my best interests, it hurts even more when they bluntly discard the notion of him. I feel even more like a fool for being emotionally invested in him. Yes, his
uncertainty was destabilising for me. But he seemed to want to stay together and ride it out. Having my own foibles, I didn't and don't expect perfection in any human.

Tomorrow night I'm catching up with BG aka SMF - the one I used to want so desperately. But I don't feel that way anymore. I still think he's fabulous and am glad to have him as a dear friend, but I've just spent the last 6 months reflecting on how TKO's personality is actually quite good for me. And I move on like a glacier. No rebound girl here. I was so cautious and scared when I started seeing TKO and now my trust has taken another knock. But I'm born to love and that is ultimately what wasn't working in my relationship with TKO. I didn't feel free to love him.

Wish me luck with my reading habit.

Til next time dear humans!