Cries of Clarity

I finally had an honest discussion with TKO the other night; re: why he didn't feel our relationship held promise. Finally, it does make sense but now I'm grieving fully for the first time, and yet all over again.

Tara Brach is helping. A dear friend recommended this wise woman's soothing, refreshing and humorous talks to me and I've been raving about them to anyone I think might be interested, including TKO.

A guided reflection I just did during one of her podcasts caused me to curl up in foetal position and cry, cry, cry.

I understand now my influence in the Relationship That Didn't Work Out. This is making the disappointment feel even deeper. I don't blame myself and I understand why I acted the way I did. But I didn't consider that my conduct might be such a significant factor in our relationship not working. Or did I? I do recall feeling like maybe the fact I was on guard meant TKO wasn't getting to know the 'real me'. And ultimately, that I didn't feel comfortable to love him freely and openly was the reason I ended it in the first place.

Without regret, I do wonder if I should have tried harder to communicate what I needed. Why was I so rash? I was trying to be strong and not force nor talk him in to loving me.

But maybe if during our relationship we communicated in the way we did the other night I'd still be able to share those glorious cuddles... But will I always feel this as a loss? Will I always feel that we somehow missed a golden opportunity? Will that opportunity come again? Can I find a way to trust in what the future will bring rather than mourning the past?

In one of the Tara Brach podcasts I recall hearing something like this:

Peace is just this moment, without judgement.