I miss you. Wanted you in my life as a partner. Wondering whether this sense of loss means anything or whether I'd be feeling this way no matter who you are or were. Sometimes I wonder whether my romantic imagination causes me more problems than good?
Tomorrow will be a week since that fait accompli-lunch. I've felt a complete gamut of emotions since then. Anger. Nausea. Disbelief. Calm. Openness. Happiness. Rejection. Emancipation. Heartbreak.
I'll survive. I am surviving. I'm still feeling like I won't be able to maintain a platonic friendship with you and I'm not sure exactly why. I have various reasons to justify this stance but perhaps I'm being uncharacteristically hypocritical.
I know I can't dwell in what was or what might have been. But I still can't quite accept that it didn't feel right to you. I don't know if I have selective hearing, but even in rejecting me I sensed you weren't totally sure. But I'd be an idiot to question you right now.
Goodbye love. Thanks for the cuddles, thanks for the amazing swims in icy oceans, thanks for your optimism, your calmness, your warmth, your intelligence, your generosity. I wish I could also say thank you for openness, commitment, faith, clarity and communication. I believed you when you said I was different and you felt comfortable with me. I believed you when you said you wanted us to work out and plan holidays together. I still don't understand why you pulled away. I'd almost be prepared to be hurt all over again and worse, just to know that you were sure and not denying your feelings.
I wish I wasn't holding on to possibility... In practice, I don't think this faint and perhaps vain hope is stopping me from doing anything I should be doing to move on. But at the same time it'd be nice to not be entertaining potentially foolish thoughts.
I'm just basically fearing that I'll later realise my irrationality or blindness. But I also want to keep my heart open to you. But will you do the same for me?
Tomorrow will be a week since that fait accompli-lunch. I've felt a complete gamut of emotions since then. Anger. Nausea. Disbelief. Calm. Openness. Happiness. Rejection. Emancipation. Heartbreak.
I'll survive. I am surviving. I'm still feeling like I won't be able to maintain a platonic friendship with you and I'm not sure exactly why. I have various reasons to justify this stance but perhaps I'm being uncharacteristically hypocritical.
I know I can't dwell in what was or what might have been. But I still can't quite accept that it didn't feel right to you. I don't know if I have selective hearing, but even in rejecting me I sensed you weren't totally sure. But I'd be an idiot to question you right now.
Goodbye love. Thanks for the cuddles, thanks for the amazing swims in icy oceans, thanks for your optimism, your calmness, your warmth, your intelligence, your generosity. I wish I could also say thank you for openness, commitment, faith, clarity and communication. I believed you when you said I was different and you felt comfortable with me. I believed you when you said you wanted us to work out and plan holidays together. I still don't understand why you pulled away. I'd almost be prepared to be hurt all over again and worse, just to know that you were sure and not denying your feelings.
I wish I wasn't holding on to possibility... In practice, I don't think this faint and perhaps vain hope is stopping me from doing anything I should be doing to move on. But at the same time it'd be nice to not be entertaining potentially foolish thoughts.
I'm just basically fearing that I'll later realise my irrationality or blindness. But I also want to keep my heart open to you. But will you do the same for me?
