Oh God!

A stiff drink is being drunk. I'm shaking. Just watched a film made by the BG. My chaser of choice after the EX just left my cubbyhouse. He came bearing news that I'd guessed at: he's having a baby. Congratulations!!!

The BG's film has a suicide theme. The dedication at the end of the film did me in. I was already moved but that tipped me over the edge. I'm crying and shaking and downing my vodka. I've been listening to music virtually non-stop (with the exception of attempted sleep) for the last few days. What to play now? Beck's Sea Change of course. Soothe me.

Yes, the EX is having a baby. He'll be a great Dad, I always knew that. The kind of Dad that would be heaps of fun but would embarrass you eventually. I used to imagine having little kiddies that looked liked him. I was totally prepared for the news. I'd had a dream about it yonks ago and then when he said* he wanted to catch up a week ago I knew something was going on. But I'm happy for him. It's a marker of time and my recovery. I've been feeling so much better for the last 6 months. I've been accepting of the demise of our relationship and nonplussed at the philosophical meaning of it. Moving on.

A few weeks ago I read his love letters from December 1999; it was fun. It didn't make me sad. My only hope is that someone loves me that deeply again. It doesn't bother me (ha!) that he doesn't love me anymore. It's the peril of life. I have always prided myself on feeling the troughs and peaks of emotion to their very depths and heights. That's what makes me me.

The last few days I've felt happy with but emancipated from the friendship with the BG. He likes me, there's no mistake there. It may not be a fantasy romance... but it might be! I'm calmer. I've gone from feeling dangerously detached from my career ambitions to feeling motivated to improve my life and all its elements ASAP. There are so many aspects to this I won't bore you with a Tax Act full of self-improvement ideas. But my new mantra and what gets me out of brain-pickles with the BG is to think: "Me, me, me. What do I want? What have I been wanting that I can refocus on in this moment that satisfies me and doesn't require a beautiful man to enter the room and dance with me? (I can dance very happily on my own!)".

The strong vodka has kicked in. We live in a wonderful modern world of liberated relationships. I used to long for the 1920s (or the 1960s at least), so that my life's purpose was more clear cut. Now I can see that life in 2009 is good. I am grateful. I can move on from a clearly dysfunctional and depressive relationship and cross new frontiers in my heart. I used to say to the EX "you're the nicest boy I know!". Not anymore. I was wrong. I hadn't met the BG. He's the nicest boy I know!

After a little cry of release (maybe more at the film than the EX's offspring news?!) I'm peacefully watching this milestone emotional tide wash out. Too cold for a swim but beautiful nonetheless.

*Listening to that voicemail message was landmark-like (albeit with diabolical hangover). It was the first time in 10 years I didn't immediately recognise his voice.