I caught up with the BOI tonight. I can't tell whether he's being gentlemanly and shy or whether he's not interested in me. Why not shag someone like me I ask? Come on, take your pants off and kiss my neck. All I need is a pick me up. I sent a mildly suggestive text message to him earlier this week to set the tone. Now I've put my pyjamas on and got my "Happy Tunes" playlist as company. I'm not going to be defeated by you. I don't know how to convert an opportunity into a shag. I'm there for the taking and you didn't take me. Another day, week, month in celibacy. A vow of patience I need to take. When I look at it objectively I think it's not about me wanting him so badly that I can't live without him, it's more that I am testing myself to see how I weigh in on the desirability scale.... I'm not doing that well so far as I can tell. Is this acquaintance slowly evolving and developing into a love and exploding passion that I will find all worthwhile when it finally happens? Or is it a dismal failure and I don't realise it?
Part of me wants to cry and dwell in the 'rejection' and part of me wants to curl up in bed triumphantly content. What are the pros of no shag tonight? I can't think of any. What are the cons of no shag tonight? The feeling of not being wanted aka rejected. A ripped off libido. Slight pro is an early night or no so late a night... it's 1140pm. I can read the weekend paper I haven't read yet. I can go to bed happy. For some reason I don't actually feel sad or rejected.. maybe I'm just living life. I can cultivate a happy single life, somehow it feels like a compromise but it's worth doing in case the love of my life has some unfortunate accident and I'm left on my own again. Biological instincts be damned. I am a modern human who can get through cavewoman urges with her clothes still on.
It's a confusing modern situation to be getting to know someone who you've already shagged and being preoccupied wondering if it's going to happen again or not. Take me back to the 1930s, or at least the 1960s.
