Reason To Live 002

To swim in the chilly surf with my manfriend, wearing our wetsuits.

Reason To Live 001

To listen to The Rolling Stones.

Too Late

It's too late to start again... I chose this path long ago and thus have made life difficult for myself, as my Grandma might say.

My confidence and drive is historically low. I've got to fix my cash-flow and career and yet a holiday is my greatest desire.

I've trapped myself. Maybe the problem has always been that I don't like life enough to warrant doing a shit job just to have money to keep on living.

I'm catastrophising and predicting that the future will be just as shit if not shitter than the present. In my recent and continuing house move I must have misplaced my faith.

31 feels too late to start again and even if I could or would, what really would I do differently? I don't have a backup plan. I've fucked my own life and fell into my own laid trap. I can't see any way out other than a miracle occurring.

Draft letter to TKO

I think you're potentially really good for me, in so many ways. I can't work out if my confusion and upset stems from 'us' or 'me'. Would I be feeling this terrifying uncertainty with someone else right now? Why oh why can't I just be cool and go with the flow? I'm sickened by the possibility that my emotive self is destructing both our relationship and me. As Dr Russ Harris of ACT practice would say: I'm struggling against my emotion and making it worse than it needs to be.

One good thing to report is that after spending 2.5 days at Wilsons Promontory* with my phone off, I'm feeling more able to turn away from it and stick to my no phone post 10pm policy. My poor little brain needs as much peace as it can muster.

*so spectacular and so beautiful, that it is conceivable our world is a simulation, Truman Show style. Man what a relief that would be, that I'm only part of a computer game or giant artificial environment. It would be just my style to snub my nose and not do what I was supposed to do in someone else's designed world.

Saturday Night Funk

It'd be tremendous if there was good AM radio reception at my new house... perhaps should've confirmed that before I signed the lease?!

Trying to focus on the positive...

Having to move has upset the apple cart of my brain. It's the only thing I can clearly attribute this funk to. Yet again I have no money (iPhone auto predicted money as Moet!), but that wouldn't be the case if I didn't have to move house. I resent renting. The whole process of it reinforces shitty perceptions of self.

Last night TKO witnessed me plunge into a funk for no clear reason. For the second time in a week I piked on attending a social function with him. I couldn't face meeting new people and the existing acquaintances asking how I am. It was amazing how much better I felt once I was home alone in my cubbyhouse.

Being upset and depressed is one thing, but it's double roasted when I simultaneously fear the effect it's having on my relationship. Been there, fucked that.

Once I'm down, I'm down, it's very hard for me or anyone else to pull me up out of it. In fact, it's even possible the only way for me to restore my mood or reset myself is to be on my own.

So naturally I'm not loving that I've been financially pushed out of my solo living arrangement. But, I am moving in with my best possible companion and dear friend. I'm viewing this imminent cohabitation as necessary personal development.

Motivation Waves

It would seem I'm a pretty driven person; make my own luck, ambitious, highly motivated, ra ra ra...

But every now and then I lose virtually all energy and motivation. I sleep in and become as disconnected as I can from the things I need to do to build a sustainable career.

The only good thing about this is that I've experienced it before and am not panicking. I'm not letting a loss of energy and motivation mutate into depression.

I'll ride it out like a Hawaiian wave.

Mini Post 006

I wish to read more, learn more, know more; history, current affairs, philosophy, science and as much as I can absorb and retain.

Mini Post 005

I am a seesaw in a hurricane. On one end of the flimsy playground contraption is joy and fearlessness, at the other end is a similar volume of despair and terror. The capricious wind in my mind is throwing them all over the place. Joy is up, then comes crashing down. Despair gets a thrilling ride high in the air.

I seem to be having minute by minute mood swings today.

TKO pros

He is healthy.
He is absolutely gorgeous.
He dresses well.
He is affectionate.
He has a good sense of humour.
He has adopted some pet mice.
He dives in head first.
He forgives.
He knows how cars work.
He's industrious.
He writes down appointments in his diary.
He seemingly has his shit together.
He accepts that we're different.
He's intelligent.
He seems observant, so far.
He's a positive thinker.

That's all for now, more to come later hopefully. Just thought I owed it to myself, TKO and this blog to record some of his good points.

High Expectations

Don't know if I'm being too hard on TKO. I feel I'm testing him out and he might not be doing that well...

One of my primary determining factors in assessing a person's character is the depth of their questioning, if any. Sure, people can be lovely, smart, entertaining and even of good heart, but if they fail to demonstrate interest in the person they're relating to, then I say it's not relating at all. But that's just me...

I'm aware my blog isn't advertising my social inquisitiveness but it's true I'm often paranoid about talking of myself too much. Not into monologues.

Conversation is one of my biggest turn-ons and I'm somewhat concerned I'm not getting that at present.

Am I thwarting or jinxing something potentially wonderful?! We're planning to go away together the week after next; I'm going to reserve judgement til after then.