Public Crying

I've been doing a lot of it lately. I hold it together for the period I absolutely need to: a day at work, a few hours in a meeting or with friends; but as soon as I'm released into the oxygen and anonymity of the outside world I break down. And not in a rap dance kind of way.

Today was hard. I felt like a failure. I felt I embarrassed myself. But regardless, when I think of the Relationship That Didn't Work Out, I just cry. If this emotional spag bog doesn't resolve itself by Wednesday, I think I should perhaps postpone Thursday night's catchup with TKO.

Why?

Why am I still 'hung up' on you? Why do I still quietly entertain notions of a reunion? Why, when it clearly is over, do I still think it could work?

Am I climbing up a mountain about to landslide? Am I deluding my ostensibly intelligent self?

I wonder how long it will be before I give up? Let go?

To be honest, I am mostly at peace about the Relationship That Didn't Work Out, but I do still feel a longing, a missing, a hoping...

Mini Post 007

Today in a cafe I was presented with a situation that's left me wondering: should you tell a stranger his trouser fly is undone? 

What I Want

Despite how much I bare on this blog, I'm finding it difficult to post about what I truly feel at present. I've started then abandoned several posts in the last week or so. I've been writing in my journal to try to process my thoughts without burdening my blog readers... and this afternoon I ascertained what is bothering me. I want a second chance at the relationship with TKO. Of course this may be a futile desire as it takes two willing humans to form a happy relationship, but if I'm honest, it is what I want. It's embarrassing, but it's what I want.

I miss him. I now recognise my influence in the apparent 'reactive loop' we were in. I want another chance in the relationship. I want to be open this time. But I guess he has to want that too...

I'm not blaming myself, I'm not judging myself, I just want the universe to grant us another opportunity to be together with open hearts.  

Cries of Clarity

I finally had an honest discussion with TKO the other night; re: why he didn't feel our relationship held promise. Finally, it does make sense but now I'm grieving fully for the first time, and yet all over again.

Tara Brach is helping. A dear friend recommended this wise woman's soothing, refreshing and humorous talks to me and I've been raving about them to anyone I think might be interested, including TKO.

A guided reflection I just did during one of her podcasts caused me to curl up in foetal position and cry, cry, cry.

I understand now my influence in the Relationship That Didn't Work Out. This is making the disappointment feel even deeper. I don't blame myself and I understand why I acted the way I did. But I didn't consider that my conduct might be such a significant factor in our relationship not working. Or did I? I do recall feeling like maybe the fact I was on guard meant TKO wasn't getting to know the 'real me'. And ultimately, that I didn't feel comfortable to love him freely and openly was the reason I ended it in the first place.

Without regret, I do wonder if I should have tried harder to communicate what I needed. Why was I so rash? I was trying to be strong and not force nor talk him in to loving me.

But maybe if during our relationship we communicated in the way we did the other night I'd still be able to share those glorious cuddles... But will I always feel this as a loss? Will I always feel that we somehow missed a golden opportunity? Will that opportunity come again? Can I find a way to trust in what the future will bring rather than mourning the past?

In one of the Tara Brach podcasts I recall hearing something like this:

Peace is just this moment, without judgement.

It'd be responsible to say...

...that today I feel like I've got a little bit of my mojo back.