Swimming in Shit Creek

Things aren't going that well for me at the moment, but I'm staving off suicidal notions. I'm up shit creek but managing to keep my head above poo.

Career and finances need a miracle. Don't know what romance needs. Probably don't even need romance. It's presence would be a nice distraction though.

Will be interesting to see how long I can tread and keep myself afloat in this shit.

Trifecta

Fuck me. Tonight at a function I ended up in a 4-way conversation with BG/SMF, TKO and The Boy with the Bad Surname aka The Original Crush! What are the fucking odds?!

Heartache

I'm not functioning very well tonight. Anything other lying in bed feels beyond me. Hoping to psyche myself up to do some reading after I finish this post. I don't read nearly as much as I'd like to and it's times like this that I know it'd be good for me:

“To acquire the habit of reading is to construct for yourself a refuge from almost all the miseries of life.” — W. Somerset Maugham

Although I've had good moments, hours and days over the last week, today I've been pretty sad. I feel physically flattened with a dull tight ache in my chest. You might think I'm a hypochondriac but it's true; I've actually got a sore heart.

The only bright side of my plunge into melancholy of the last week is that I haven't had even one fleeting suicidal thought. This is a significant step forward for me. Maybe this is because romantic rejection has been the obvious trigger for the sadness and I haven't let it affect my self-esteem this time. It's just an overwhelming sense of loss and disappointment. However a few dominos in other areas of my life have tipped over too - my career and future is feeling pretty shit too. But I don't want to die, so that's a marvellous rock for me to hold on to. It's like the elevator doesn't go lower than the ground floor and the dirty basement is no longer easily accessible. This is a very good thing.

I know I deserve better in love. I know I'm lovable. I'm sure I'll meet someone else one day soon. But I'm still mourning him. I liked him. I loved him. I imagined we'd be good together into the future. Although I know my friends are looking after my best interests, it hurts even more when they bluntly discard the notion of him. I feel even more like a fool for being emotionally invested in him. Yes, his
uncertainty was destabilising for me. But he seemed to want to stay together and ride it out. Having my own foibles, I didn't and don't expect perfection in any human.

Tomorrow night I'm catching up with BG aka SMF - the one I used to want so desperately. But I don't feel that way anymore. I still think he's fabulous and am glad to have him as a dear friend, but I've just spent the last 6 months reflecting on how TKO's personality is actually quite good for me. And I move on like a glacier. No rebound girl here. I was so cautious and scared when I started seeing TKO and now my trust has taken another knock. But I'm born to love and that is ultimately what wasn't working in my relationship with TKO. I didn't feel free to love him.

Wish me luck with my reading habit.

Til next time dear humans!

Disbelief

I can't believe someone like me has been hurt by someone like you. How did I get led into this? I was cautious. I protected myself. I waited for signs you were serious and now this: a fucked situation where I want to vomit all the time. I don't want to be friends with you. My friends are honest and good. And although deep down I still think you are too, I still can't believe I misjudged you. My vanity and instinct still can't believe you weren't serious about me. Maybe it's my vanity that won't accept you're a bad egg. I feel violated. I feel like a fool.

I am heartbroken.