Meltdown Report

Awake in middle of night. Again. Managed to sleep for 2.5hrs after going to bed early to look after myself rather than my work obligations.

I've been trying to analyse why I had such a major meltdown today; why did work stress which I mostly can handle, set me off?

I looked back to the last time I recall having such a public meltdown and had to cancel commitments, to look for a pattern. This is what I deduced:

When work stress collides with personal relationship stress I'm pushed to the edge. When this situation is underpinned by ongoing money and life failure stress, I'm a goner.

So there's the algorithm. Take one Ms OK, submerge in significant workload with multiple simultaneous deadlines, add one week-old feeling of abandonment, double boil over pre-prepared sense of life failure and KABOOM!! MELTDOWN!!

The only pleasantness in this emotional stress I'm riding out is that I've had the Bill Withers song Lovely Day in my head for the last 24hours.

I need a miracle to fix my life and work situation. I also perhaps need a man who looks after me a bit better. Wonder when I'll have opportunity to discuss that with him? Can I prevent another meltdown while my heart's detained in an offshore detention centre?

If you can't feasibly get a brain transplant...

...then try Holosync meditation CDs. I am amazed at their capacity to dissolve my mental distress and shift anger and confusion.

I've just come out of listening to the meditations for an hour. Not sure how long the effects will last but at least I feel calmer and stronger ahead of seeing my manfriend tonight. It's unclear where we're headed and I'm experiencing quasi-rejection depression.

Bet I'm not the only one this Valentines Day!!!

Festival of Allergies

This weekend has been bit of a write-off due to a major allergy attack. I am sensitive to food chemicals; amines, salicylates and glutamates. A beer and small amount of cheese on Friday tipped me over the edge. These food chemicals were totally unbeknownst to me up until 4years ago, my allergies being mis or only partially diagnosed for over 20 years. My Aussie pride swelled when I found that a Sydney hospital was the brains behind and driving awareness of these food intolerances.

So, after several months of not really adhering to my low allergy diet, my nose exploded into a frenzy and I've been pretty much incapacitated this weekend.

And in the outside world today was the St Kilda Festival in my general neighbourhood. I really detest the festival and my reasonings sound misanthropic. It just seems to be a purposeless gathering of human beings. I totally support the notion of live music outdoors and for free, but what bothers me is that doesn't seem to be the reason so many people flock to St Kilda on this day every year. Why are they coming? To relish the opportunity to wander around in massive crowds on blocked off roads? I guess it's good for all the local businesses and the security guards will be getting Sunday rates whilst watching scantily-clad backpackers pash each other.

My views on the St Kilda festival were formed many years ago, well before this day of allergy attacks and relationship unrest. More on that later. Maybe.

Anger

I rarely get angry. If and when I do, it's rarely at anyone other than myself. Even bad traffic jams don't bother me that much.

But this evening I was so angry I wanted to crash my car into something. Below are possible reasons for the uncharacteristic anger (in order of suspected influence):

*bought lemonade at McDonalds because it was so hot today. I never shop at McDonalds and feel they may have spiked my drink with serial killer sauce.
*my car has no air-conditioning and rattles like a bastard. The heat doesn't usually bother me but today I vowed that any vehicle I purchase in the future MUST have air-con.
*building works at my apartment have produced awful and potent paint fumes that made me feel physically unwell today. The same works have caused a bit of domestic chaos (what's new?) as we've had to move everything off the balcony.
*I have neglected to get a repeat prescription of my brain medication filled. Not by design, just out of slackness.
*Various other minor influences on my unusually irritable mood.

Kind of feel that cuddles with my manfriend (TKO) might sort me out, but I've even been snappy with him in the last 24hours so could be dangerous.