So Confused

Am I insecure in our relationship because?:

a) I am insecure about most things at present.
b) You bring out the worst in me.
c) I have a good sixth sense.
d) None of the above.


Am I significantly unhappy or ill at ease some of the time when we're together because:

a) We're not good for each other.
b) I'm in an unrelated depressive trough.
c) I lack a sense of security (see previous question)
d) I'm doomed.


Is my delight in you:

a) Pure and positive.
b) Constructed to support biological desire.
c) Neither.


I'm so confused. I want to talk to you about everything but at the same time I'm terrified. Terrified that I'm creating problems where there are none; dragging us down; unenjoyable to be around; sabotaging something good.

But I guess I'm not getting what I need to be the person I want to and know I can be in a relationship... But again, I even question this stance... as do I only feel that way because I'm scared of being rejected?

Below Zero

I've been looking after a toddler over the last 7 days and tomorrow is my last day. I'm exhausted beyond belief and in my 'spare time' I can't muster an email or tick off more than one paltry to-do. So yes, not keen on having babies any time soon. There's also the child-raising impediment of going financially under, and that feels like being on a torture rack that's getting wound out a bit further every day.

It's nearing the end of the year and I usually finish with a bang, fire on all cylinders right up to Christmas Day. But not this year, I'm done, cooked, hoping for a blessed miracle to get me across the line.

Ho ho ho.

Thoughts at 4:30am

Draft TKO discussion agenda:

1. I'm considering changing your acronym (this one you don't know of) to something like Sea Faring Buddy or Vegetarian Man.

2. Me and my brain aren't doing their best at moment but I'll hope you'll hang in there with me.

3. I'm freaking out seemingly on a weekly basis. My mind catches a rogue negative thought in the wind, keeps it all to itself for a few moments and builds a nasty story that can ruin a whole day. i.e. Early yesterday I decided that to you I am JUST ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND and then I found it difficult to leave my clam shell for the rest of the day.

4. I think your calmness in the face of my mood swings is remarkable. This makes me feel and think you're a good match for me. But what I haven't figured out yet is if my mood swings are truly being influenced by you or not. I'm regularly feeling shit about myself and although I sense this would probably still be the case if you weren't in my life right now, it does make me dig deep (fruitlessly) to work out whether YOU are actually having a dwindling effect on my self esteem.

5. Can we have a cuddle now please? The feel of your skin is so glorious it may convert me to vegetarianism.