Dream 1

Had a disturbing dream that I was signing for someone-else's courier delivered porn and sex toys. The delivery guy tried to attack me but I managed to fight him off.

What does this mean? National Broadband Network subliminal propaganda? Get your porn via the internet! It's safer!!

Key Criteria

Answering and addressing selection criteria has got to be one of the nuttiest constructs of human modernity. Facing such a stupid task tonight I feel tempted to just write:

1.1 Can do.
1.2 Yup, got it.
1.3 Can do too!
1.4 Can't believe you asked me this, if I can use the internet and find this job vacancy, then I can likely perform this basic function too!
1.5 Monkeys!

Wish me luck, I've only got 2 hours to finish the fucker. Irony is I actually think the job would be great and mentally stimulating, that is if I survive the tedium of the actual application...

Imperfect Manly Trinity

I'm sort of in a love triangle. Well, not really, but I am feeling in the middle of a whole heap of man weirdness at present. Here be the three aspects:

There's the EX, who I'm still exceptional friends with and who unloaded his dilemmas to me on Friday. I've also been listening to his music over the last few days. There's TKO, who perhaps fortuitously has been out of town since Thursday. I see him tomorrow. We've had very disappointing phone conversations whilst he's been away and I'm half-expecting him to come home and dump me. And then completing the triangle is ye old SMF-BG aka The Lovely Emotional Mess. Today he basically confessed his enormous love and care for me and expressed his awful guilt at hurting me. It was certainly a relief to hear. I guess I've been emotionally unfaithful to TKO today. But it had to happen. Overdue watershed. On the morrow when SMF's hopefully in better shape I'll try to establish some boundaries and a bit of a plan with him. I can't save him or wait for him. But I always want to be there for him and I guess today was a sign we're going to be in each other's lives in some positive way from now on.

So, how to avoid crawling into my crab shell in order to process all this? If TKO still seems into me and embodying potential when we reunite tomorrow then I definitely want to give this seedling relationship a shot, regardless of all the dormant love that SMF might be ready to spill.

I can't believe I'm in a such a mellow state given all this. Calm before the storm? Hope not.

Lose 1 - Win tba

TKO spelt 'lose' incorrectly. It's one of my pet hates when people pen it as 'loose'. This is a far cry from being initially seduced by SMF's use of commas. But even SMF sometimes uses 'z' in words such as realise. Hypercritical aren't I? I couldn't write a grammatically correct sentence until about age 17 and I still clumsily arrange words these days.

Does all this matter? I'm giving TKO the benefit of doubt and being loving in spite of confusion. Things change, people change. Even in the last few weeks I've been buoyed by discovering he's more complex than first thought.

Better get up after finally clocking some zzzzs without Temazepam. Today I'm checking out my potential new cubbyhouse!!

too much iPhone, too little faith

Can't put it down. It is the key to my day to day life. I research on it. I record my mental health on it. I communicate with my loved ones on it. I try to manage my money with it. I monitor the weather. I record thoughts. I take photos. I prioritise and manage my ambitious to do list. Since adopting it I get more done. I can pursue whims. Look up word definitions incessantly. Confirm the ethnic mix of Malaysia. Check my bank account. Lose my mind. Find it. Count down the days til holidays. Set and achieve goals. Archive recipes. Analyse disappointment. Tell jokes. Deteriorate vision. Ascertain sailing opportunities. Wait for phone calls. Titillate via eye candy. Have disappointing conversations. Accidentally lose pertinent blog posts. Investigate truth or lack thereof in my fears. Explore flaws in my burgeoning relationship with TKO.

He's preoccupied with his bad time management. I'm interpreting it as compatibility issues. What if the magic's worn off already? It doesn't, I know. It's either there or it's not. I fear we're not creatively compatible. But he is so exceptionally beautiful. Have we boomed and bust? Too much too soon? How can it ever be too much if it's the person you want to share the rest of your life with?

It's probably not that bad. I'm probably just lacking faith and unconsciously testing him out. But he does seem to have lost interest in me and that's sending my mind into a spin.

That and I've had my worst week of sleep since early 2008. So maybe I'm being irrational and the iphonmania isn't helping.

Better get up for a midnight snack before I formally commence pursuit of sleep. We all know technology and sleep don't mix, but who can resist?!

Conflict

My car and I aren't friends anymore. I can't explain why. Perhaps its because the dear beast has humiliated me one too many times. I bruise easily.

I wonder if my car hadn't fucked me around today whether I would've maintained a better mood? My body is beset by allergies. My life is challenged by cash-flow. My mind mostly does well despite the circumstances but tonight I'm longing for sleep that disconnects me from reality. I'm counting on that miracle that often happens, where a new day brings optimism and hope. Clocking off on this one.

Aside from the car, the other relationship that is affecting me greatly at the moment is TKO. It's all going pretty well but I'm quietly terrified he'll get sick of me, decide I'm not right for him and so on... There's nothing I can do to prevent this if it's going to happen but I don't like the uneasy feeling... I guess it's lack of faith, I guess it's my MO since 1995, I guess it's just me. Time to stop mulling over my problems and read about how we became so bloody evolved in the first place. I'm reading 'guns, germs and steel' by Jared Diamond at present. I might offer to write a followup homage, perhaps titled 'cars, men and malaise'.

Beyond the Mattress

Empathy

I have no idea why I feel involved in or experience by proxy the failures of others. It's true; this tendency of mine almost extends to Kevin Rudd...

I'm wired thinking about problems EX is enduring and has caused. Why? But I'm emancipated. Why? Because the thought of others crying, stressed, confused and despairing makes my brain and soul hurt.

I want to sprinkle fairy dust everywhere and turn everything peacefully joyful... just like a new-age wanker...

I guess part of the problem is that my bond with EX is so familial that I feel somehow implicated in his fuckups. Implicated is the wrong word... rather like a parent I only want the best for him and my brain's tentacles are waving wildly round in the dark, reaching out, flailing and wanting to make things better for him. I also deeply want to step in and try to soothe people he's hurt.

If I was a stereotype I wouldn't give a fuck and his latest personal debacle would be satisfying evidence that I dodged a veritable bullet... But I'm not a stereotype. I'm me and I'm bothered. I'm praying for a turnaround.

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Day of Sad

Walking home in last night's black dress (inappropriate for such a gorgeous sunny day), I spotted this mattress leaning against a tree. I often wonder where all the abandoned mattresses end up, after being sogged by the weather. But this one was especially poignant with it's stenciled message:

Do they mean this literally? I entirely agree if the wordsmith is suggesting that being in bed can fertilise both feelings of hope and hopelessness.

Noteworthy weekend of emotion. I was hurt by an abrasive estranged friend last night. I thought I missed his friendship. Although I'm ready to cast it aside and never attempt to reconnect with him again, I am feeling wounded. Like a soggy mattress I am a sponge for vibes emitted by other people. The EX is seemingly at the top of another emotional landslide and I'm so affected by his pain and unwise choices. I don't want my nearest and dearest to be unhappy and I like to think that life turns out well... But what if it doesn't?

Ironically, despite the bad and sad vibes I've soaked up this weekend I have been in the company of a very lovely man. TKO is turning out to have quite a bit of potential and I've relaxed into the beginnings of a relationship with him. I just hope his enthusiasm and loveliness doesn't boom and bust. I've even told SMF about him, so this dalliance clearly is showing itself as having legs. I hope.

- iBlog, therefore iAm