The Glory of Television!

Tonight has been a rare night for me of simple pleasures derived from the wonder that is television...

And I have ecletic taste: I would've spontaneously shagged Kerry O'Brien during moments of The 7:30 Report tonight; then bizarrely the first episode of Farmer Wants a Wife held my attention... I don't think it's a bad concept for finding love at all (I would leap into the pearl farmer's aquamarine waters but pass on the goofy man himself AND such a gratis self-sacrificial offering on national television); and lastly, The Chaser lads just made me laugh out loud, like I haven't for weeks*. Now I'm washing it all down with Tony Jones' Lateline... perhaps I'd shag him too.

So maybe my interest in men and libido is returning... But it's early days. My mind is still excavating the light footprints SMF left on my soul. Could I have been so wrong? Shall I sign up to the waiting list for an Intuition Transplant?

* positively loved the Angry Kevin Burger!


- iBlog, therefore iAm

Rest in Peace

In some kind of coincidence, tonight's episode of SBS's Insight was about Australia's handling of mental illness issues; and today would've been my late cousin's 25th birthday, had she not taken her own life almost 6 years ago.

It made me cry. I couldn't have done what the brave spokespersons on Insight did tonight... I would've started crying. As much as I know mental illness isn't and shouldn't be shameful, it still doesn't seem right that diseases of basic unhappiness, perception or personality exist. The mind and the soul are not currently seperable to a lay person such as me and thus our mind defines who we are. I think this is why it's so difficult to accept and explain mental illness. Very recently I've got alot better at sharing it with friends, but it feels slightly against instinct. I'm doing it because I know I have to.

But in other pro-active and positive news, I've been using the 'Finding Optimism' software. I really think it's going to help, with personal accountability at the very least. It's also so difficult to remember accurately how you've been feeling and summarise it when necessary; I think this software will help.

Okay, I better go to bed. I haven't done the washing up but I'll live. Just like I'm living through an ambiguous and intangible rejection by the man-formerly-known-as-SMF.

Sweet dreams!

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Good Day

Good day almost ruined at its closure by logging onto facebook (just now). My brain both amazes and frightens me. Yesterday I was messy. A rickety-rackety rollercoaster who cried at the end of yoga and was too in a funk to attend a social occasion and dance her arse off.

Today I've been pretty good. More domesticity, bit of Bob Dylan, bit of David Bowie, bit of reading, bit of friends, bit of pretending i've got an active sailing hobby, bit of mending. I'm alright.

The SMF is still the same but somehow my perspective has changed ever so slightly and mood has shifted. I don't really know what I think but I've jumped onto a train at the last minute and am chugging away from Rejection Station.

I am in a bit of a holding pattern. I have to deliberately block out thoughts about career, finances, family and future and I'm alright. But the things that are leftover are hardly the dregs are they? There is so much more to live for and I suppose I can keep going for the time being. Do I need to be ready to pull the plug anyway?

Life's better underwater. For me, anyway. I've swam on 3 of the last 4 days. In the water no one can get me. In the water I don't need a career. In the water I don't need money. In the water I don't need anything except the ability to swim. And I can.

Just When You Think You're Coming Back From Rock Bottom

Late this afternoon I thought things might just start getting better... I had an inspiring chat with an unlikely motivator and felt my zest for work and life resurface. Then I got a call from an employer saying more work is on the way. See, things do get better?!

Then I just snapped and yelled at my dearest Mum. I must be messed up at the moment. She wanted to discuss money and possible irrational decisions and I wasn't emotionally prepared for it. Fuck it.

I'm going to call her back as soon as I feel certain I will not snap. Best to perhaps stay eerily and offensively silent... I don't want to do that either...

In other news, SMF isn't so special anymore. I'm dealing with feeling abandoned, rejected, embarassed, regretful, etc. The rest of my life isn't going that well either. And tonight I'm kind of breaking the liver cleansing diet that I've so impressively stuck to... But fuck, I deserve to drink the beer that's already in my fridge when all this shit is going on.

A Few Months Ago

A few months ago I was happy. A few months ago I was full of beans and joy. Now I'm in the depths of winter and all feels below zero. I'm flat. Motivation is low. Positive outlook is clouded, etc. I guess things will get better. At least I have wonderful friends and family.


- iBlog, therefore iAm