Desert Detox Epiphany

I'm in an iconic desert resort town. It's pretty cool and I'm not even too bothered by the obscene energy and water consumption. But I'm starting to get bothered by MY obscene consumption. I can't stop eating.

I REALLY need to rescue my body from the downhill slide it's taking. I guess this kind of epiphany happens periodically. But I hope I can follow through this time and restore my health. I'm in no shape whatsoever to get nude, so it's just as well there's no opportunity to. My enthusiam for hanky panky in this naughty town is beyond low; negatively scored.

Been having great time.. But saw some shit films last night and it put me in bad mood. My brain is indeed a little feather in the desert wind, even if my body's not...


- iBlog, therefore iAm

And it's easier...

In a matter of hours my brain started feeling better. I don't know what it is or was that made it easier but I'm glad. It seems I've got to be SO CAREFUL of this, like someone with low immunity needs to be careful of infections.

I'm back in the present. No one can get me here.


- iBlog, therefore iAm

I am lucky...

...to have such sublime friends.


- iBlog, therefore iAm

Traps & Struggles

Had a brief flick through The Happiness Trap tonight and realised I've completely lost my way with all the clever techniques that had become automatic for me over the last two years. I am listening to my thoughts and taking them very seriously. Part of the problem with depression is 'cognitive fusion' with unhelpful thoughts.

But on the topic of physical traps, not mind-bending traps, my financial situation feels and likely is, completely fucked. I'm failing to see solutions, only visualising doom. What's interesting is the career potential that may be lurking around me at the moment is getting magnetically forced away, due to my brain flipout. This has happened time and time again.

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Not Past the Depression Post

Problem with my brain is that I go from struggling with mild disappointments, fears, etc. to full scale depression in very little time. Like the acceleration in one of those awesome Ferraris. I hate those kind of cars.

Every area of my life has collapsed in my mind. I'm not eating unless a friend escorts me into the outside world. I don't want to go overseas next weekend. The destination and event is not appropriate for a depressed person. I'm trying to figure out how I can move home to live with my parents for a month or two, whilst still meeting my fucking financial commitments. I'm googling the issues involved with cancelling my flight and informing the very kind funding body that I'm not fit to travel.

Looking back over the past few blog posts, my mood has obviously dwindled in the last fortnight or two. So maybe I haven't gone from 0-180kph as fast as it feels, but I seriously thought I was safe from a plummet such as this. Yesterday's chat with SMF, even though it had to happen, is clearly the trigger for this meltdown, but the scope of what I'm actually struggling with is far wider. I guess the feeling of being rejected and the necessary emotional hangover isn't fitting into my grand plan of Tokyo-style productivity. I'm feeling very fragile and seriously considering how I can forfeit life with minimal repercussions. But hey, don't be alarmed, I've been here in bad brain land before. I'm feeling angry at life. Powerless. Disinterested. Unmotivated.

I want to innocently take a safe quantity of sleeping tablets, to turn off the poison taps in my brain. I've promised my dear friend and neighbour that I will go to the pool before it closes. So I guess the knockout-self plan will have to go on the backburner for an hour or two.

Change of Scene

SMF and I have had to define our relationship over the last 24 hours. I don't know how I'm feeling. Surviving I guess. Must stop this post temporarily and change the radio station, some really bad jazz is playing.

Ahh... I'm back. Rolling Stones are now on, much better.

All I want is to love him and be loved back. Unfortunately the timing is still not good for that to be anything more than platonic. I appreciate his honesty and self-awareness, but I'm trying very hard not to interpret it as rejection.

So, for purposes of constructiveness, what do I want from here? What do I wish for? Last month I wished that I would adopt a lifelong healthy lifestyle of good eating and regular exercise, predominately regular swimming; to maintain domestic bliss and routines and complete unfinished craft projects; get out of financial debt, buy a car, go to NZ for my friends' August wedding; and lastly, that I'm not wrong about the 'rightness' I feel with SMF. My success with all of the above is questionable, but it's good to have plans and I'm herewith going to restate and revise them:

Health - physical and mental. It's really crucial I do things to keep myself happy and healthy over the next little while, as I sense my self-worth might be a little teetering... So, exercise, square meals, and activities that are proven to elevate my mood, such as covering a wall with pictures.

Routines - attempt domestic discipline. I love made beds and washed dishes. Commit to some home craftiness and happy habits like reading, as they feed into the earlier listed desires.

Fiscal Realities - get my tax sorted out and be mindful with money. Book flight to NZ. Attempt to meet financial commitments before spending elsewhere, like I used to do, before I prioritised moderate social activity over creditor responsibilities.

Romance & Self-Worth - try my bestest not to question SMF's intentions and mess the interpretation into rejection in my head. To send love via platonic means and keep an open mind for the future. Restore faith in whatever the hell is going on.

Hibernation

If I hadn't experienced this current flat mood and profound lack of motivation before, I'd be worried. But I'm just counting on it passing and trying not to fight it.

I'm having lots of 'what's the point?' thoughts. It's hard to drive yourself forward when you're seriously considering the mediocrity of your output.

I've also been really exhausted and this afternoon felt like basic functionality was beyond me. So I lay in bed and didn't feel guilty.

Tonight I've managed to do some necessary washing. I'm amazed. It's even possible I'll do the dishes before bed.

Last night my iPhone and I spent the night apart. We said our goodbyes at 10pm and I woke to an old-school alarm clock this morning feeling refreshed. I like domestic rules and routines, so I'm going to try to continue this habit tonight and beyond. It might even renew my romance with the stupidly clever phone.

Money is getting me down. Again. This time I'm perplexed about how I'm ever going to get out of this hand to glass of wine to mouth existence. I think the worries have also manifested out of the need to spend money on rejuvenating myself; a holiday, massage, or simply to take a week off work to recuperate... I guess I should be grateful that I can get away with a sneaky nap in the late afternoon.

Well, it's 12 minutes til my e-sundown and I'm really looking forward to being in bed. The only energetic thing I'm interested in at the moment is conversation and cuddles with my special man friend, but I don't even have the fortitude to make a phone call tonight.

Can I hope for a windfall? I'd take you all on a holiday with me!

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Into The Wild

I've just watched Into The Wild, directed by Sean Penn. I have to admit I spent the first two-thirds of the film multi-tasking like a battery operated rabbit, with half-an-eye and two ears on the television and my fingers and other 1.5 eyes on the computer. Overall, I was a little abhorred by the seemingly self-indulgent and cliched philosophies of the main character, Chris McCandless, a.k.a Alex Supertramp and thus not fully engaged with the story. This story however is a true story and the last 30 mins or so were beyond moving.

I'm left feeling a bit stunned and grieving someone I didn't know but who obviously didn't want to die. If I have anything to say at all it is that Chris McCandless was incredibly brave, right to the very end. But I don't mean to glorify or condone what he chose to do, but that he chose to do it at all is downright brave in my book. I love nature and I love being on my own, but I'm not going where he went. But that doesn't mean I'm not brave.

It's interesting that at the very end, it seems McCandless saw the value in human relationships, even though he'd chosen a hermit's life. I'm not sure how much truth can be verified in the film or panoply of online tributes, but allegedly he wrote HAPPINESS ONLY REAL WHEN SHARED as one of his last diary entries. This was most inspiring and horribly tragic.

But thinking about it now, I don't know if I agree. I think in death, particularly if it approaches slowly, having loved ones with you must be a crucial part of letting go and feeling at peace. But day to day I do find and experience real happiness on my own. But that's just me. The brain and perspective is always changing, and surely being on one's own in the Alaskan wilderness must be a mighty perspective shifter.

And I wake up...

...feeling better! The brain is amazing. I've only been awake a half-hour or so and might be counting my chooks before they hatch, but I feel calmer this morning. Sticking pictures I love on my wardrobe doors last night was very therapeutic. I went from listening to classical music through to Marvin Gaye and Donny Hathaway, so the exercise clearly improved my mood. The wine also helped. 'Wild White' 2008, hadn't had it before but it's minimal sulphites and bio-dynamic organic production was what made me select it. And it was bloody tasty too!

And the epiphany of the morning is... the only thing I'm scared of is him changing his mind. So, I feel better!

- iBlog, therefore iAm

I, the Tower of Pisa

I thought tonight as i restored my mood with alcohol and creative home-decorating: if the flawed, unstable tower of Pisa has lasted this long, so might I!!

I'm hanging in there even though i'm feeling crappy. I've survived before so I guess I'll survive again. I'm really hoping the last year or so of contentment wasn't a mirage.

Childishly, I really don't want my SMF to find anyone more special than me. I've been uncharacteristically strong of late, now I just want a cuddle and to be loved. I'm fearing that maybe already I've diminished my lovable-ness.

Can someone please take my brain away on a behavioural retreat? We need some time apart.

- iBlog, therefore iAm

Haircut

I had my haircut after enduring a period of long hair. I'm not a good wearer of long hair. This'll be quick post whilst I backup my computer. Having my laptop die would just be the icing on my delicate mood. I've decided that all that has happened is that faith has been replaced by fear.

I want to step off this emotional rollercoaster (that's sticking pretty close to the ground at any rate) and go to bed to read books for a week or so. Or a glorious tropical holiday might lift my mood.

This afternoon I started a post titled 'Competition' that I accidentally deleted. It was about the apparently highly-competitive industry I work in. I realised that I possess above average resilience. I've had a lot of career knock-set-backs. I just endure the disappointment and eventually it passes. After a major high of a career reward a week ago, I had two significant disappointments today. But I did get my haircut. Had to be done.

Man-friend isn't helping my mood either. That is definitely where fear has replaced faith and I have no idea of whether I'm in for a good or bad or indifferent turn motivated by his next move. I don't like this feeling of being an emotional victim of others' behaviours, decisions, etc. My horoscope promised extraordinary career highs this month and over the next eight years. So I've decided to not read horoscopes anymore. I'm embarassed that I'm so interested in what they say. Hasn't aided my mood anyway, or has it? Have I stayed just below the surface and not plummeted further into the depressive depths because the horoscopes have giving me faith that good news is on it's way?

I'm bored by myself. Sorry for sharing it around. I guess the main hope at the moment is based on the fact that I've had a great and content year and a half... It's just weather. But will you just come and shag me man-friend? Put me out of my misery please!