Bubble of contentment burst sometime yesterday morning and 36 odd hours of melancholy and pessimistic outlook ensued. Felt crap about love, money, life, bruised easily, feared hurt like never before... you know the drill.
Tonight I chatted to my dear wise friend and she granted her counsel. But what really lifted my mood out of the sewers was 43 laps at the pool. Next time I'll know just to drive straight there, dive in, not passing go nor pausing to explain why my fortnightly direct debited membership was declined.
- iBlog, therefore iAm
Friday, 28 May 2010
Thursday, 13 May 2010
Guilty Conscience
I have a guilty conscience. Is it my Catholic ancestry or something else? I'm the kind of girl who feels guilty when a policeman passes me on the street.
Tonight something weird happened at work. A folder disappeared off the server. I was the one that discovered as such, and I raised the alarm. I can't help feeling guilty about it and as though it has something to do with me; perhaps the alias link I created to the folder? Perhaps the way I was working off a file saved to there? Perhaps because I use a mac?! Heavens no!
So anyway, I feel bit bad but that's not all that's occupying my brain... I'm aware in my very bones and spirit that SMF is overseas at present. Only for a few days but I'm weirdly feeling this geographic distance. Some work stuff over the last few days has strangely made me long for his affection more than ever; a cuddle in the face of a daunting project would make it seem less doomed; a sexy kiss would put all other career fears in perspective. Come home special man friend! I don't want a relationship, I just want a cuddle!
I've just come out the other side of a bad allergy attack and need to avoid those salicylates and amines that set me off - but tonight I really need a glass of wine...
Everything's okay though... I am the new content.
- iBlog, therefore iAm
Tonight something weird happened at work. A folder disappeared off the server. I was the one that discovered as such, and I raised the alarm. I can't help feeling guilty about it and as though it has something to do with me; perhaps the alias link I created to the folder? Perhaps the way I was working off a file saved to there? Perhaps because I use a mac?! Heavens no!
So anyway, I feel bit bad but that's not all that's occupying my brain... I'm aware in my very bones and spirit that SMF is overseas at present. Only for a few days but I'm weirdly feeling this geographic distance. Some work stuff over the last few days has strangely made me long for his affection more than ever; a cuddle in the face of a daunting project would make it seem less doomed; a sexy kiss would put all other career fears in perspective. Come home special man friend! I don't want a relationship, I just want a cuddle!
I've just come out the other side of a bad allergy attack and need to avoid those salicylates and amines that set me off - but tonight I really need a glass of wine...
Everything's okay though... I am the new content.
- iBlog, therefore iAm
Monday, 10 May 2010
Crystal Ball
My broken record self has said oft in the last few days: "I wish I could look into the future and find out whether my focus on this very special SMF is warranted or not". But then I've been quick to retort back at myself: "But what exactly would you be doing differently right now if you did find out you were never meant to be together?"
I wouldn't behave much differently, I thought.
But tonight I'm earnestly considering it... So to record my conclusions of how I might behave differently if a sweet relationship wasn't destined with this fellow, here goes:
I - I wouldn't stop loving him, but I would stop reading his horoscope whenever I read mine.
II - I wouldn't stop smiling when I thought of him, but I'd try to tame amorous visualisations of him.
III - I have no idea whether I would start looking for another man to focus my attention on, but I'd like to think i'd still be as contentedly single as I am now.
IX - Maybe I wouldn't absorb with such glee his talk of things we might do together in the future, maybe I'd take it with a large grain of salt.
I'd better keep this list short before I forget the sequence of Roman Numerals!
X - I wouldn't stop communicating with him... But would I resist being physically affectionate? I'm not sure, it's rather instinctive.
XI - I'd go to bed right now and stop expending neurons and iphone battery life on him, that's for sure!
Til next time dear humans!
- iBlog, therefore iAm
I wouldn't behave much differently, I thought.
But tonight I'm earnestly considering it... So to record my conclusions of how I might behave differently if a sweet relationship wasn't destined with this fellow, here goes:
I - I wouldn't stop loving him, but I would stop reading his horoscope whenever I read mine.
II - I wouldn't stop smiling when I thought of him, but I'd try to tame amorous visualisations of him.
III - I have no idea whether I would start looking for another man to focus my attention on, but I'd like to think i'd still be as contentedly single as I am now.
IX - Maybe I wouldn't absorb with such glee his talk of things we might do together in the future, maybe I'd take it with a large grain of salt.
I'd better keep this list short before I forget the sequence of Roman Numerals!
X - I wouldn't stop communicating with him... But would I resist being physically affectionate? I'm not sure, it's rather instinctive.
XI - I'd go to bed right now and stop expending neurons and iphone battery life on him, that's for sure!
Til next time dear humans!
- iBlog, therefore iAm
Wednesday, 5 May 2010
This Is What Longing Feels Like
I've been feeling good, happy and stable, perhaps irrationally so. But tonight I really want to hear from SMF. Lately I don't feel so desperate or at the mercy of his communication, I've been coasting along okay.
But tonight I want him. Today I presented my work to the producers of one of the most popular serial dramas on the planet. It went down very well but tonight I feel flat and in need of a romantic pick-me-up. I've got Al Green, one beer and a chocolate frog instead. Should I just reach out for what I need? Should I just call him? Maybe... but I've been SO self-sufficient, it's amazing. I've been uncharacteristically self-sufficient.
Today I went into the screening of my work feeling confident. But I felt flat and concerned during the process of watching it, and in the aftermath felt I'd got off lightly. But I'm my harshest critic.
So now I wonder if I just wait it out again. Tonight's a night where I feel like the support and warmth of a partner to come home to. Tonight I'd like more love in my life than my outstanding tax obligations and wet washing are providing. Tonight I could do with hearing from someone that I love and hearing that they care how I'm feeling about today's milestone. So, should I go searching for that love or just ride out the solo melancholia? Will I send that SMS, make that call? I was feeling so unbelievably in-control of my emotions, so independent and unreliant on his commitment and love... Oh well, I guess the bottom line is that I want the person I love to be there for me when I need them, but not to the extent that I'm dysfunctionally dependent on them.
Maybe I'll put the washing on and then call him. Kill two birds with one stone.
But tonight I want him. Today I presented my work to the producers of one of the most popular serial dramas on the planet. It went down very well but tonight I feel flat and in need of a romantic pick-me-up. I've got Al Green, one beer and a chocolate frog instead. Should I just reach out for what I need? Should I just call him? Maybe... but I've been SO self-sufficient, it's amazing. I've been uncharacteristically self-sufficient.
Today I went into the screening of my work feeling confident. But I felt flat and concerned during the process of watching it, and in the aftermath felt I'd got off lightly. But I'm my harshest critic.
So now I wonder if I just wait it out again. Tonight's a night where I feel like the support and warmth of a partner to come home to. Tonight I'd like more love in my life than my outstanding tax obligations and wet washing are providing. Tonight I could do with hearing from someone that I love and hearing that they care how I'm feeling about today's milestone. So, should I go searching for that love or just ride out the solo melancholia? Will I send that SMS, make that call? I was feeling so unbelievably in-control of my emotions, so independent and unreliant on his commitment and love... Oh well, I guess the bottom line is that I want the person I love to be there for me when I need them, but not to the extent that I'm dysfunctionally dependent on them.
Maybe I'll put the washing on and then call him. Kill two birds with one stone.
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