Pathetic Fallacy

Yesterday I turned fragile at work for no apparent reason. I felt teary but the tears didn't come, maybe I was waiting for a glacier.

On the way home I did have a few micro-cries, but the sky did it for me. A pathetic fallacy is when the environment expresses an emotion or at least participates... It's used in cinema regularly.

Turns out I might finally be experiencing PMS like the rest of womankind. I've never had it before but a friend said last night that it's been a lowlight of the years beyond 30. Oh well, whatever, I'm happy being a woman, means I can shag my very special man friend. I'm seeing him tonight and think that might be one reason I've woken full of beans at 6am on a Saturday morning after only 5 hours sleep. We had another fantastic conversation last night. He has an energising effect on me.

So I'm thinking of getting up and taking my way-out-of-shape body to the pool and spa. Or maybe I'll just go back to sleep for a while...

- iBlog, therefore iAm

New Moon

The astrologer I follow with frightening zeal advises one to wish upon the new moon each month. Tonight's the new moon and apparently I should consider and make career and love related wishes...

So, career-wise, I feel I am on the right track... I've just got to keep fear at bay and focus on earning and conserving money, cultivating concentration and increasing creative whimsy. I'd like to do more purely creative pursuits, however small, whilst still developing my writing and directing skills.

And for love, well it's pretty obvious where that is at... I'm still invested in SMF and that feels right at the moment. Today I've been happy and content. I've focussed on work and got through a fair bit. Energy and concentration has been pretty good. So what do I wish for? An easy, honest, amorous and fun relationship, sometime in the near future. In the interim, any hints at or trailers for such a romance will be gratefully welcomed. I wish for reassurance I'm on the right track.

The only current fallout detectable is my health, fitness and domesticity. I've gone from detox to 3 coffees per diem in just seven days.

One day I might just get it all done, wonder what I'd write about then?

-- iBlog, therefore iAm.

Restored

Spent the afternoon with my SMF and my inner calm has been restored. We visited art galleries together, as I'd always hoped. I have moments of wondering how to negotiate our uncertain relationship when I'm with him, but all in all it feels good. I can see who he is inside and I like that person. But he seems to still be orientating himself in this life and I can see why he's not ready for a relationship. So yes, pretty sure (95% so) that it's not a euphemistic rejection. But I'd love a week of unstructured time to get to know that him even more, where we can talk and talk and talk and get to the bottom of things. I think I can tame my inner nymph for the time being, but my desire for him hasn't waned. I really, really, really like his nose.

Reframing via Tram

Travelling home via tram, wondering again about SMF and how he's doing and how he could possibly be feeling about me. All thoughts had negative overtones.

Then, in a microsecond, as we passed felled trees in the botanical gardens, I reframed my situation: each second that passes without hearing from him is a second of him being readier to love me, fully.

I've got to trust that his absence is time well spent and that I haven't been abandoned. There may be a greater payoff in store.

Depressed

Depressed and eating freddo frogs. Just spent the night listening to others talk about themselves; usually I enjoy this.

Feeling like an idiot regarding work and hate the paranoia I have about what colleagues or superiors think of me.

Feeling abandoned by my SMF and hate the how it has confused and disrupted my confidence. I don't don't don't want to ask for reassurance. I want to be strong. But I'm not feeling strong.

Bed will be cosy. Yay for a cosy, safe bed. Yay for no bombs or suicide bombers in my neighbourhood. Yay for civilisation. Yay for freddo frogs.

Better now. Goodnight. xx


-- Posted from iMe.

Man, Music & Mood

Beck did it to me. I shouldn't have listened to him. His Modern Guilt record and various tracks from The Information all contain sensual memories of SMF. Now I'm sad and trying to get back into an optimistic, social mood via The Go-Betweens. I've got to meet some friends for a drink in 1.5 hours and I rather feel like being a housemouse.

I'm still vexed by what I'm feeling and what it means. I don't really know how I'm feeling about him, I just know I want to see him and be close. I want to communicate with silent cuddles. But I haven't seen him for 2 weeks, so guess that's why I'm feeling sad. I fear the next time I see him (in a public context), I will be on guard and not able to express anything.

I don't want nor need to be in a relationship, but I want you back.
I don't want to thwart our individual freedoms, but I want you back.
I don't need you for me to be happy, but I want you back.
I don't need you everyday, or every night, but I want you back.

I want you to want me, but I don't need you to need me.
I want you to smile, I want you to relax, I want you to be happy.
I want us to be right for each other and I want it to be easy. It was easy.

I think I feel abandoned. I don't like feeling abandoned. I wonder what you're thinking and what you felt. I hope you haven't made your mind up already. I was feeling fine and totally appreciating the situation, now I just want physical and tangible reassurance.

I think the only solution to this mood is a mega-walk. At the end of the walk there'll be alcohol and friends. Fingers crossed this mood will pass; I've learnt that they do. But I don't want you to pass.

Thwarted Thoughts

I usually know what I think and operate off strong gut instinct. At the moment i've got a base level of uncomfortable but light confusion. I don't know where to anchor my thoughts and my instinct is seasick and of no use, she's moping down in the galley.

I guess I'm circling around the possibility of rejection. I guess I'm experiencing culture shock that he was close and now he's not.

I really don't know what I feel... Even all of the above may not be true.

Sorry guys. I hope to post soon from more solid temperament.


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Washing Up

I'm washing up and listening to Townes. God he's good.

At the sink with a nondescript pensiveness I thought:

Do I have to let you go? But I was never holding onto you!

Do I have to block your sweetness out of my life? But it seems not right to!

Do I have to move on? But am I really stuck? I don't think so.

I sort of want to cry, but I sort of don't need to. I sort of want you, for comfort, but I'm pretty comfortable.

I sort of want to cry, but things aren't that bad. I think a cry with you would be therapeutic. But you're not here.

I still have Townes though.

Maybe this is just a detox symptom.


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Process & Detox

In almost biblical fashion, I have resolved to attempt an earnest detox this Easter long weekend. I am hoping that after the third day, I will ascend into health heaven.

I look after myself reasonably well, but my little feeble liver and sluggish lymphatic system need a service. It's a Grand Prix pitstop, but without the horrendous noise and nerd-bogan-auto-tourists.

So, let's see how I feel on Sunday... maybe when Mary Magdelene approaches my detox cave she will still weep... I could be catastrophising but i'm not looking forward to caffiene withdrawal and crossing my fingers toxin release is relatively painless. I'm proud of myself that I haven't committed to anything other than health this weekend. I have a moderate amount of to-do's on my list, but sleep, rest and detox will be highest on my agenda. I'm looking forward to 4 days in elective solitary confinement.

Which brings me to the fact that I'm quasi-missing SMF...

I've been trying to work out what's really going on, in the scenario I might have misinterpreted things... but when I look at the physical evidence, how is that possible?

I've been trying to access some kind of instinct that advises whether I'm investing in inevitable disappointment or have met 'the one'; now being the peaceful pre-dawn of a healthy long-term relationship.

He disappears now and again; in theory that's totally cool; in practice it throws open all the lion gates in my brain colosseum. It causes me to live in the past, though not quite as far back as the Roman empire.

A friend who's just been through a breakup said that she and her ex have decided on a regular, scheduled catchup. A weekly social outing and emotional debrief. Brilliant idea, but SMF and I like spontaneity and are not routine types. I like the concept though, it takes the anxiety out of an ambiguous relationship phase such as I'm in.

I want to chat to SMF, hear his syrupy voice and amusing news.

He could be in sad anti-social mode and my instinct is to find out if that's the case and soothe him if it is...

And for me, the odd comforting cuddle as I undergo this Easter detox or a hand to hold as I watch my work go to air on tv tomorrow night would be lovely... But as The Go-Betweens said: "I'm Allright".

-- Posted from bed, detox almost begun...