I'm carb-loading at midnight. It's how I maintain my figure.
Ticked off one of the several habits I want to be part of my daily routine - washing up dishes before going to bed, by hook or by crook (only exception might be presence of desirable man).
Speaking of which, I had my first significant pangs of sadness today, since Tuesday evening. Can I have one more cuddle? Can I make love to you one more time? He might just be up for it, who knows? Dare I ask? Or will we be together again someday? I'm not going to long for it nor put my life in limbo, but in truth, I do wonder, as there was no sense of fait accompli about the halt to our 'relationship'.
I'm doing fine. I've gotta have a love affair with economic stability and muscle tone before I resume any kind of romance.
I've got productivity, routines and glorious health on the brain.
Sleep well dear humans! Life is good; sleep is proof.
-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.
Sunday, 21 March 2010
Tuesday, 16 March 2010
Alive
Have survived the day thus far. Tears split, especially from bike, but I am okay. The Go-Betweens have helped.
He is sad. I am sad. I am not angry. I don't feel betrayed. I just feel confused and a little doomed, when I'm wearing my pessimist hat.
But I must sign off, the weather is still warm here in Melbourne as the sun sets and I must jump in the bay. For a swim that is.
He is sad. I am sad. I am not angry. I don't feel betrayed. I just feel confused and a little doomed, when I'm wearing my pessimist hat.
But I must sign off, the weather is still warm here in Melbourne as the sun sets and I must jump in the bay. For a swim that is.
Monday, 15 March 2010
Gone
Gone, he be.
Gone, he went.
A brief romance. I know not what moral to take.
He seemed to love me. Even in rejection I didn't feel rejected. But I quickly went back to 70% me, my default vulnerability position.
BUT I AM REJECTED. Clam shell is closing until further notice.
I was very laissez-faire, I was cool. I didn't pressure him. But he's not ready. He's anxious.
Back to shit, for me. Did it not work out because deep down I was scared too?
Guess now I'll be even more scared next time.
'Next time' is not even occurring to me right now. I feel sick and confused. I don't know whether this has happened purely because of his own lack of readiness, or my 70% presence or it just not being meant to be.
But we had so many plans...
But we had so much fun...
Stop the clocks. Stop the world. I'm going to sleep for 100 years.
Weirdest thing is that I knew he was going to tell me this tonight.
Psychic services now offered. Competitive prices. No guarantees.
Fuck you world. Write whatever I'm meant to learn from this in the sky - i'm failing to see the point so far.
-- Posted from one of those iPhone things (with whom I have love-hate relationship).
Gone, he went.
A brief romance. I know not what moral to take.
He seemed to love me. Even in rejection I didn't feel rejected. But I quickly went back to 70% me, my default vulnerability position.
BUT I AM REJECTED. Clam shell is closing until further notice.
I was very laissez-faire, I was cool. I didn't pressure him. But he's not ready. He's anxious.
Back to shit, for me. Did it not work out because deep down I was scared too?
Guess now I'll be even more scared next time.
'Next time' is not even occurring to me right now. I feel sick and confused. I don't know whether this has happened purely because of his own lack of readiness, or my 70% presence or it just not being meant to be.
But we had so many plans...
But we had so much fun...
Stop the clocks. Stop the world. I'm going to sleep for 100 years.
Weirdest thing is that I knew he was going to tell me this tonight.
Psychic services now offered. Competitive prices. No guarantees.
Fuck you world. Write whatever I'm meant to learn from this in the sky - i'm failing to see the point so far.
-- Posted from one of those iPhone things (with whom I have love-hate relationship).
Saturday, 13 March 2010
Shock
Just rode bike home via aftermath of serious accident at an intersection. Female police officer berated me regarding my front light not working. I tried to defend myself. She approached and threateningly pointed out that the man in traction in the middle of the intersection who was receiving CPR was a cyclist who'd just been hit.
By the time I got home only 2 or so minutes later I was a mess of tears. Better get a new front light for my bike.
I really, really hope the man is okay.
-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.
By the time I got home only 2 or so minutes later I was a mess of tears. Better get a new front light for my bike.
I really, really hope the man is okay.
-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.
Twin-Love
I'm in love with a Gemini, God help me. He's in absentia.
It's good for my resilience and cultivating autonomous happiness though. But it's also a little disconcerting...
But, still I can have happy days, happy moments, happy hours... My state of mind isn't locked up with him, he doesn't have the key.
Yes I worry, worry about what his absence might mean or result in, but really, how is worrying going to help?
As one of my favourite quotes goes: 'Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due'.
-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.
It's good for my resilience and cultivating autonomous happiness though. But it's also a little disconcerting...
But, still I can have happy days, happy moments, happy hours... My state of mind isn't locked up with him, he doesn't have the key.
Yes I worry, worry about what his absence might mean or result in, but really, how is worrying going to help?
As one of my favourite quotes goes: 'Worry is interest paid on trouble before it falls due'.
-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.
Thursday, 11 March 2010
Exhaustion
Should've washed up, didn't.
Should've cleaned teeth, didn't.
Should've achieved more today, didn't.
Sleep offers redemption, but i'm also powerless against it right now.
Made awesome daal for dinner, now have allergic headache.
Sleep offers redemption.
-- Posted from bed.
Should've cleaned teeth, didn't.
Should've achieved more today, didn't.
Sleep offers redemption, but i'm also powerless against it right now.
Made awesome daal for dinner, now have allergic headache.
Sleep offers redemption.
-- Posted from bed.
Saturday, 6 March 2010
Money, free me
I am totally trapped by my fiscal situation, well mostly anyway... it's tres embarassing and tres depressing. This morning I was REALLY depressed by it. What whisked me out of that mood was being out on a boat when a severe rainstorm hit Melbourne. I love being immersed in a bit of natural disaster; it really cures melancholia!
My money situation actually BAFFLES me. I've learnt the power of CAPITAL LETTERS from that delightful wordsmith BG now known as SMF. I hope my abominable money situation won't lessen his estimation of me. It certainly lessens my estimation of myself. It's incredible. I don't really understand it. I know that I'm not earning much/enough money. But the fact that I'm slipping further into debt and never seem to accumulate any savings is desperately alarming. But I don't know what I can do about it in the short-term and the long-term puts the fear in me, that i'll always be trapped like this. I wonder why it's happened... I've certainly never focussed on earning money and lately I've been living on faith. I keep counting on a miracle, but deep down I don't want to be rescued, I want to pay my way, but then I feel if I had a windfall I would really deserve it about now.
I just spent my last pennies on waxing. I felt it was something I couldn't compromise on... this is how skewed my life and finances are.... The good thing about such poverty is that in the last few weeks I've got really excited about small amounts of money landing in my account. I told SMF the other day that I've managed to block out the worry and negative thoughts about money. The fact that I'm managing to get by without money and still 'go about the motions of life' buoys me.
To be honest I've been feeling pretty flat the last week or so... or strangely and uncharacteristically subdued. I did an equation and worked out why:
well documented post-film-completion depression + magnificent elation of love + severe money anxiety = completely flat as a crepe
I think I need to be hospitalised for poor money management. I'm looking into getting more work asap but the present and the future are still very worrisome. I want to go to a dear friend's wedding in New Zealand in August, furthermore, I'd like to do a stopover somewhere more tropical... this and buying a snazzy digital SLR camera by the end of 2010 are my main new year's resolutions.
What can I do to remedy my situation asap? I'm heeding the feng shui advice of a friend - to keep the toilet seat and bathroom door shut - what else do I need to do except pray, be good and work hard? I've downloaded an iphone app for tracking expenses.... I feel like I'm missing a money earning and saving chromosome. Surgery to have one implanted it out of my reach at the moment, very costly!
Still living on faith, love, a wing and a prayer.
My money situation actually BAFFLES me. I've learnt the power of CAPITAL LETTERS from that delightful wordsmith BG now known as SMF. I hope my abominable money situation won't lessen his estimation of me. It certainly lessens my estimation of myself. It's incredible. I don't really understand it. I know that I'm not earning much/enough money. But the fact that I'm slipping further into debt and never seem to accumulate any savings is desperately alarming. But I don't know what I can do about it in the short-term and the long-term puts the fear in me, that i'll always be trapped like this. I wonder why it's happened... I've certainly never focussed on earning money and lately I've been living on faith. I keep counting on a miracle, but deep down I don't want to be rescued, I want to pay my way, but then I feel if I had a windfall I would really deserve it about now.
I just spent my last pennies on waxing. I felt it was something I couldn't compromise on... this is how skewed my life and finances are.... The good thing about such poverty is that in the last few weeks I've got really excited about small amounts of money landing in my account. I told SMF the other day that I've managed to block out the worry and negative thoughts about money. The fact that I'm managing to get by without money and still 'go about the motions of life' buoys me.
To be honest I've been feeling pretty flat the last week or so... or strangely and uncharacteristically subdued. I did an equation and worked out why:
well documented post-film-completion depression + magnificent elation of love + severe money anxiety = completely flat as a crepe
I think I need to be hospitalised for poor money management. I'm looking into getting more work asap but the present and the future are still very worrisome. I want to go to a dear friend's wedding in New Zealand in August, furthermore, I'd like to do a stopover somewhere more tropical... this and buying a snazzy digital SLR camera by the end of 2010 are my main new year's resolutions.
What can I do to remedy my situation asap? I'm heeding the feng shui advice of a friend - to keep the toilet seat and bathroom door shut - what else do I need to do except pray, be good and work hard? I've downloaded an iphone app for tracking expenses.... I feel like I'm missing a money earning and saving chromosome. Surgery to have one implanted it out of my reach at the moment, very costly!
Still living on faith, love, a wing and a prayer.
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