So You Thought Life Was Good?

So you were living the dream, riding the wave sans-money, feeling fantastic and optimistic about life? So you thought you were lucky and staggered at how good things can actually happen?

You needed a reality check. You needed to realise just how fragile you are.

That's me. I'm talking to myself. I'm outside myself. It's too unpleasant inside.

Had my first scare in the land of romance. Nothing bad has actually happened, I just realised how vulnerable I am, given how intensely I want this man. I've sent myself to the very edge and was gung-ho-ly scaling down the cliff face. Now hanging on and too scared to move further. I'm going to fall soon anyway as I can't afford the rent on this precipice.

I was in a lose-lose situation money wise, so I took a gamble work-wise. Was immediately given a sign I'd make the right decision. Now 48hours later I'm visualising danger signs in every direction in my life.

Feeling powerless to make SMF feel more comfortable. I don't want to be needy, I want to be strong. Love has the most bizarre effect on the brain. Everything is amplified. A good vibe is euphoric, a bad vibe is catastrophic.

Here I am, Miss Catastrophe. I used to call myself Ms OK. I guess my heart's not racing, I guess I'm not crying, I guess I'm not hyperventilating, so things can't be that bad. I'm just sad and scared and back in the unfun reality of my messy apartment and empty bank account.

I also finished a film today and overall felt disappointed and demoralised. So yes, it hasn't been a great day. Can I turn it around by tackling my domestic chaos? Zest is nil to none.

Desperate?

So want to love-cuddle the SMF tonight... Ah but he hasn't responded... Rationally I'm not bothered, but of course my anxieties question whether I am/was a bad shag and if my email reply to his this morning was too bold. Logically I know he's likely busy... But I want security!! I'm so Cancerian... Yet I'm bizarrely better at living in the present these days...


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Can Hardly Wait

So, career achievements today = tick!

So, more minutes spent having SMF's maple syrup voice pour over and through me = tick!

So, following a diet of chocolate biscuits and meat pies as recommended for stressful periods = tick!

SMF says he might pop if he doesn't come back to Melbourne soon, so might I! Bravely fending off anxious thoughts that he'll change his mind or not be as loving upon his return. Yes, having faith that romance can be the stuff of dreams. Preparing to NOT be disappointed if he's not back by the end of this week. But still hoping he will be. Trying reasonably hard to play it cool and not spray desperation everywhere. Not hard as actually don't think I'm really that desperate. So interesting to be falling in love at 30 and not need validation of any kind. Though hearing, feeling and knowing that he finds me beautiful despite my flaws would probably be a weight off my thighs.

I'm calmly excited and optimistic about what might happen next... We all deserve good things. Believe it.

-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.