Brain Explosion

Well... brain is in overdrive, overload, overflow, synaptic shock, meltdown.... all those things. I've got to direct a scene tomorrow, just the one (so why am I complaining?!), but I'm pretty scared. I can't concentrate because I want to make love properly to that wonderful man again.

Contemplating whether the catch 22 is the impending career doom?! See-sawing between faith that I underestimate my preparation and fear that I am hours away from public humiliation... yet fear isn't breeding concentration. I just want to drink beer and dance around the house.

The dusk light is beautiful outside. I might step out onto the balcony. Friend gave me some scooby-fun a few weeks ago and I'm enjoying the ritual of having a joint here and there. But that's super naughty! But isn't it a little luxury in my totally unbalanced worklife? How to resist?!! Speaking of which, how to fend off thoughts of unparalleled sexual desire for my eternally special man friend....? Golly gosh the brain changes when one realises that they might actually be falling in love.

Furthermore, regarding the dirty thirties; I have arrived.

Day 2

Totally freaked out today and had mini anxiety attack about work and LOVE. Wanted the world to stop so I could get off for 3 days, or even half an hour.


-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Dream = Reality

It's happened. Has it?!

It feels so easy. Is it?

I managed to wait almost a year. Historic.

Please, please, please! Keep getting better.

-- Posted from bed; he was here next to me not that long ago. Come back again, I'm just crazy about you babe.

Yesterday Goodness

Yesterday, I saw him.
Yesterday, I think I got a farewell kiss on lips. As time marches on I wonder if I imagined it or not...

Goodness, I feel good when I'm with him. Goodness, he's a beautiful dag. I'm considering whether now is the time to be bold. When I'm with him I just want to be gentle. My goodness, catch bloody 22.

-- Posted from bed on a Sunday morning; my kind of church.

Man Friend Excitement

Seeing SMF aka BG tomorrow. Feels like he's instigated it. I'm excited-slash-scared. High-time I made love to someone but a stretch that'll happen with him before i'm due at airport early afternoon.

Great, heartening day career-wise.

Call me nutty, but I do believe life is better after 30.

-- Posted from a very small computer!

Quasi-breakdown

Staggered and proud that I'm not having a nervous breakdown. I must be learning as I live life.

I'm constantly reinforcing the fact that I'm coping fine with the stress I'm under, even if it is uncharacteristic. I'm laughing at my anxiety and paying heed to all I'm getting done. The application 'Things' for mac and iPhone is helping!

So, am I in denial or actually fine? Why am I so optimistic that I'll survive with so little money? I'm staring down the barrel of a month of non-stop work. I know I will somehow, someway, cope. If I don't add anxiety to the mix it can't rise.

This morning I had the foresight and courage to postpone one of the commitments that was causing me stress.

I'm an evolved person to that of 3 or more years ago. I feel good about who I am and the decisions I make, mostly. Shit, must be having a positive day or be deranged!

I'm not perfect, but hold me to it.

I recommend Erik Satie compositions for relaxation.

-- Posted from one of those iPhone things. Due to be turned off asap.

Overwhelmed

Feel overwhelmed and the need to blog but my new routine is not to use computer or phone after about 9:30-10pm at night and I only just turned computer off. So turning off phone now and praying to the underwhelming gods overnight.

-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

How long?

Still haven't vacuumed floor, but does that mean I have to wait?! Songs shuffling in my iTunes that alternately provoke thoughts of one of the two men that are bothering (stirring) me at present. Yes, the same ol fellows: SMF and his talented-shit-together friend. What worries me most is I've lost the power of seduction, or never had it. I'm too coarse, too defensive, too boyish, too guarded. Always thought personality would carry me through to the other side, in lieu of beauty, but now I'm not so sure.

I'm SO careful with words with SMF. Want to be gentle with him and yet I probably come off feeble. Hurry up and turn this situation around, before I fall at your feet. It doesn't even make sense why a girl like me is HANGING ON, hanging onto something completely intangible. Aren't I smart enough to know when to give up? Don't I have better things to do? Aren't I writing the musings of a 17yo?!

Can I truly blame biology? Can I exercise anymore self control? Please?!

Will look to my Brain that Changes Itself book for solace.

-- Posted from my machine of the night.

That Desperate Look

Wondering if i've got that desperate look about me? Like a drooling wolf? i.e Men can smell my sexual desperation and fear what it may mean about my personality.

Wondering if I've lost my powers of seduction, or if I ever had any?

Not sleeping well at present.

-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.

Double-sided brain map

I'm reading 'The Brain That Changes Itself' by Norman Doidge. Really enjoying it but would more so if it had some diagrams!

So I'm reading about neuroplasticity and have learnt about the fundamental remappings of the brain that happen when one falls in love; nature's way of encouraging commitment and reproduction.

So why, when I'm so proudly of stable mind, have I had two polarised reactions to emails from SMF within 4 days? All he had to do was ever so slightly change his tone and my seesaw seat has come crashing down to the gravel. But hey, I'm okay, I just like melodramatic language.

I'm ready to fall in love, my brain is ready to morph and remap to accomodate and adore someone else's personality. Body only a kilometre behind brain. I did my pilates routine again tonight (and mini-yoga routine this morning!). Wonder if body and physical appearance are holding me back from romance or my dry personality just isn't that appealing? Or maybe it's the universe telling me I need to vacuum my floor before I can throw a man on it.

-- Posted from iPhoney vAnoney