So Long 2009

Immersed in the sadness of news that a dear friend's dear friend passed away yesterday. That he's left a legacy in the world of rock and roll makes the tragedy even more pervasive.

And tonight's the night we say goodbye to 2009. Apparently it's prudent to make a list of all the 2009 things that we are thankful for. To me it feels like a bit of a non-eventful year, but that's remiss of me to say, many things occurred that I am grateful for.

Just before the beginning of the year, I finally made peace with the loss of my previous relationship. Emancipated, I launched into 2009, feeling as though I was gaining some serious career ground. I felt as though I was being acknowledged as a capable being who'd earnt some decent stripes. Early in February I decided to give up casual sex for the foreseeable future. I was ready for some real loving. Buoyed by career possibilities and reaching some strength of character in the romance department, I flew to Adelaide and met the boy who has dominated my man-interests ever since.

I am grateful that my self-worth has barely plummeted this year. The stability of my mind is the year's biggest news. I think I only cried a few times. I had only one major crisis of confidence. Sure, the special man and his possible meanings have sent me around the bend. But my ability to enjoy everything else in life against this mysterious, nebulous and intangible romance is what I'm proud of. Sure, I've dominated conversations with my terrible drivel about how special he is, but I think i've remained sane and managed to focus on other things, even if for only 5 minutes.

I guess 2009 has been a year of reaping some rewards in the realm of work. I hope this continues in 2010 and I can continue to build a happy and sustainable creative life. I really think i've had some breakthroughs in developing my craft and my willingness to learn re-emerged in the second half of this year.

In 2009 I learnt to sail and adopted a boat. This is a milestone for me (the woman who may be 1.7% mermaid). Sailing is something I've always wanted to do and to now be on that path and uncomplicatedly developing the skills is reaping much happiness. I just want to get better at it and sail more without much fuss.

2009 was a happy year. Despite still being unconsummated, the pleasantly surprising bond that was forged with SMF tickled my fancy and made me smile and smile and smile. He still makes me smile.

This year I survived several more hairy bumps in the financial road. 2010 will be the year I get my shit together financially. Apparently because of the end of the year, the full moon and the eclipse, whatever we wish for tonight is damn likely to come true! So, without further adieu, in 2010 I wish for...

To efficiently and earnestly develop my craft.
To earn regular and good income from what I love to do.
To spend and save the money wisely.
To make serious inroads to owning my own home (a Cancerian's utopia).
To freely give and make love to a wonderful man. I'm ready.
To divert this blog away from cheesy sentiments, yet still stay true to what's good for me to express.
To more fully pursue my happy habits of gardening, craftiness and sailing.
To be and live the healthiest year to date.
To go on a well-earned and lengthy holiday!
2010 is the year!

Interestingly, over the past few days I realised my romantic attention was vaguely and inaccurately aimed at two men. "I'll take either!" I quipped on Monday over lunch. I quickly reconsidered my attitude over the following few days and felt that if I truly didn't care which man came my way (no pun intended), then neither were that likely to morph into bedroom realities. It's that oft-heard law of attraction theory, that if one is vague or non-specific about what they really want, nothing will really manifest. The jury and Oompa-Loompas are still out on how I can instigate a relationship. But I'm trying to be ready for it, and trying to get even readier every day. I've started a habit over Christmas of Pilates before bed. Stomach already less protuberant. Anyways, it is ironic that it seems more difficult to get relationships off the ground or even to obtain a pash when you're in your 30s. I'm too well-behaved.

So, in the interests of not being anti-social, I'll sign off now and go celebrate the close of 2009 with my family. I am delighted by and blessed in who I have as a family. They are true friends.

Happy New Year!

Intolerance

Can't explain why I find my little beast of a younger brother so irritating. I'm not proud of it but can't help it, it seems. Maybe I just can't have him in my house. Maybe it's just not good timing because I'm so busy with film pre-production.

Can't explain why my brain is holding strong despite the waves of fear and stress hitting me in the face.

Can't explain why I need a validating shag. But I can explain why I want it to be nice boy like the special man-friend (BG) or complicatedly, his talented and appealing pal I'm now acquainted with.

Anti-Socialist

It's Friday night and I'm shirking the umpteenth social commitment this month. I'm longing for better AM radio reception and a man that values such pleasures. I'm the kinda girl that takes a dictionary to bed.

I'm listening to a record I listen to over and over again - perhaps I'm mildly autistic or don't possess enough music of this genre. The album is music from and inspired by the film Monster by composer BT. I love it with all my heart, mind and ears. 

I'm drinking cask wine and am all calm and clean in my pyjamas. I'm about to read more episodes of the soap opera series I'm working on at present. What an awesome Friday night! No irony intended.

Just found out I won't see my new potential romantic interest until Monday afternoon. A weekend liaison was on the cards, under the guise of a semi-professional meeting. How long can celibacy last?! There's a danger I might inadvertently cause the next big bang. Problem is, I'm committed to quite liking the next person I shag and currently disinterested in excessive alcohol consumption, so there's potential hurdles between me and bedroom ra-ra. Last weekend I zoned out watching a sub-standard play but was drawn in by the exposed nipple on the actor. I clearly need help.

Mind is remarkably positive and productivity satisfactory in the face of major stress. I can't attribute it to anything other than faith and being surrounded by good positive influences. Have experienced minor periodic paranoia about whether people are enjoying working with me and if I'm actually doing a good job or not.

I'm supposedly shooting a film in less than a fortnight and we lost the cinematographer this week, but I'm rolling with the punches and just working through my list of tasks. Have I mentioned I love the program THINGS? If you tend to overcommit or have high expectations of yourself and are frequently overwhelmed by the many things you want to do now and in the future - then this is the program for you! (assuming you also use a mac and/or iphone). Yes, I'm a nerd. Not sure how I'm going to get a hot pash this way. Perhaps a subsequent version of THINGS will include sexual and romantic gratification features. Believe it or not, I am not interested in acquiring a vibrator. I want a real man's nipples and hipbones.

Moving on from erotica... what's uncharacteristic is that this anti-social behaviour springs from self-care and worth, rather than social phobia, depression or lack of confidence. Or at least that's how I feel. I don't feel like socialising, I'm ridiculously happy on my own. But I could do with some serious love-making. Sorry, I know it doesn't make for palatable reading. Unsubscribe as your disgust dictates!