Sore legs, hereditary circulation problems.
Long working week, many laughs.
Bad pimples, I'm thirty years old godammit.
Upright brain, horizontal body.
Chomping at lovemaking bit, casual random affairs need not apply.
Said I'd be celibate til Christmas unless meaningful shag presented earlier.
28 days til Christmas. Pa rum pum pum.
Friday, 27 November 2009
Saturday, 21 November 2009
Mexican Bonanza
I've eaten Mexican food for the 4th consecutive night and have no desire to stop the trend.
I'm exhausted and overworked. Hanging in there and fighting to keep my brain upright and positive.
Interest in the SMF has swung a little towards his exceedingly charming friend. Trying to avoid falling victim to slutty instincts.
I vowed to stay celibate til Christmas. Hoping Santa Claus gives some mighty good loving!
-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.
I'm exhausted and overworked. Hanging in there and fighting to keep my brain upright and positive.
Interest in the SMF has swung a little towards his exceedingly charming friend. Trying to avoid falling victim to slutty instincts.
I vowed to stay celibate til Christmas. Hoping Santa Claus gives some mighty good loving!
-- Posted from one of those iPhone things.
Sunday, 15 November 2009
Spontaneous Sundays, Solo Parties & Loss of Hats
Just realised I've likely lost one of my favourite hats. Very pooey. I was really enjoying wearing it almost daily in these glory days of early summer.
Losing favourite things always upsets and annoys me, but so quickly I managed to get myself out of this dwelling state of regret and irritation. I thought, this is the third loved hat I've lost in the last 2 years and I've had plenty of good days since then, when i'm not focussed on such losses or mourning old hats. Life goes on, hats mysteriously get lost, relationships end, lives change direction, go with the flow and don't look back.
This is the second consecutive fantastic spontaneous yet action-packed Sunday I've had. I've had plans and roughly stuck to them, then accepted ad hoc social invitations. I love impromptu catchups! I just had fish and chips on the beach with some dear friends, then weirdly ran into my Ex-Partner, we collectively had trouble recognising him. Once again I drove home happy, singing Old Man loudly with the window down. Am I the happiest I've ever been?! It makes no sense!
Despite my love of socialising I failed to turn up at parties both Friday and Saturday nights. I had a solo domestic party. They say the true definitions of extrovert and introvert are about whether one restores their energy and sense of well-being through being around people, or on one's own. I'm the latter, an introvert with some extroversive abilities. Social contact is also very good for me. These days I'm constantly meeting up with a variety of friends and I love it. After collapsing into bed Thursday and Friday afternoons, I heeded the warning from my body and kept the weekend tame. Am I better at listening to myself these days? Is that what this contentment is about? I went sailing again yesterday, goodness gracious I love it. Am I just in a pattern now of peppering my life with things that make me happy, that I fail to ever fall too low?
TOUCH WOOD! TOUCH A BLOODY PLANTATION FOREST!
So, I must get back to my preparations for the week ahead. I haven't done as much as I could've, should've, planned or wanted to this weekend, but I still like myself and have had a great weekend anyway. There was even the opportunity to see SMF on Friday night and I don't regret that it didn't happen. I have to set him free and see if he flies back to me. It's the first time in my life that I've experienced this kind of loaded friendship or latent romantic relationship. Why am I dealing with it so well, when I could easily perceive it as a euphemistic rejection? Emotional maturity probably, said my wise friend.
I think above all, the linchpin of my current state of contentment and happiness is that I am nice to myself these days. I stay away from the negativity and self-criticism section of the library. Those books are mouldy.
Losing favourite things always upsets and annoys me, but so quickly I managed to get myself out of this dwelling state of regret and irritation. I thought, this is the third loved hat I've lost in the last 2 years and I've had plenty of good days since then, when i'm not focussed on such losses or mourning old hats. Life goes on, hats mysteriously get lost, relationships end, lives change direction, go with the flow and don't look back.
This is the second consecutive fantastic spontaneous yet action-packed Sunday I've had. I've had plans and roughly stuck to them, then accepted ad hoc social invitations. I love impromptu catchups! I just had fish and chips on the beach with some dear friends, then weirdly ran into my Ex-Partner, we collectively had trouble recognising him. Once again I drove home happy, singing Old Man loudly with the window down. Am I the happiest I've ever been?! It makes no sense!
Despite my love of socialising I failed to turn up at parties both Friday and Saturday nights. I had a solo domestic party. They say the true definitions of extrovert and introvert are about whether one restores their energy and sense of well-being through being around people, or on one's own. I'm the latter, an introvert with some extroversive abilities. Social contact is also very good for me. These days I'm constantly meeting up with a variety of friends and I love it. After collapsing into bed Thursday and Friday afternoons, I heeded the warning from my body and kept the weekend tame. Am I better at listening to myself these days? Is that what this contentment is about? I went sailing again yesterday, goodness gracious I love it. Am I just in a pattern now of peppering my life with things that make me happy, that I fail to ever fall too low?
TOUCH WOOD! TOUCH A BLOODY PLANTATION FOREST!
So, I must get back to my preparations for the week ahead. I haven't done as much as I could've, should've, planned or wanted to this weekend, but I still like myself and have had a great weekend anyway. There was even the opportunity to see SMF on Friday night and I don't regret that it didn't happen. I have to set him free and see if he flies back to me. It's the first time in my life that I've experienced this kind of loaded friendship or latent romantic relationship. Why am I dealing with it so well, when I could easily perceive it as a euphemistic rejection? Emotional maturity probably, said my wise friend.
I think above all, the linchpin of my current state of contentment and happiness is that I am nice to myself these days. I stay away from the negativity and self-criticism section of the library. Those books are mouldy.
Friday, 13 November 2009
Malaise
Feeling weak, headachey, bit nauseous and tired. But can't sleep. What is more noteworthy is that I'm not beating myself up about bowing out of life this afternoon.
SMF wonders if i'm okay about the fact he can't commit to anything more than our special ambiguous friendship. I am, truly. It is an uncharacteristic feeling for me to have though. My confidence isn't knocked, my mood not subdued, my outlook not despondent. I am fine and happy! This isn't even based on some hope that it will work out in the future.
So what's got me so content? I wish I could bottle it, sell it and easily scull it down myself if and when this happiness ever wanes. Even my horrific budget projections for the next four months haven't upset me too much. I'm concerned, but not panicked nor self-attacking. I realise this joyous mood isn't great entertainment for blog readers but I'm trying to sleuthly investigate it, in order that I can perpetuate and access it forevermore.
I live on faith these days, when I used to have none. Maybe because I've survived 30 years on the planet and withstood various troubles before, I now have an easier relationship with life. Who knows? I just want life to continue to get better, but more importantly, my contentment to prevail.
I am happier than these 'strawberry & cream' lollies I saw on the bitumen the other day.
SMF wonders if i'm okay about the fact he can't commit to anything more than our special ambiguous friendship. I am, truly. It is an uncharacteristic feeling for me to have though. My confidence isn't knocked, my mood not subdued, my outlook not despondent. I am fine and happy! This isn't even based on some hope that it will work out in the future.
So what's got me so content? I wish I could bottle it, sell it and easily scull it down myself if and when this happiness ever wanes. Even my horrific budget projections for the next four months haven't upset me too much. I'm concerned, but not panicked nor self-attacking. I realise this joyous mood isn't great entertainment for blog readers but I'm trying to sleuthly investigate it, in order that I can perpetuate and access it forevermore.
I live on faith these days, when I used to have none. Maybe because I've survived 30 years on the planet and withstood various troubles before, I now have an easier relationship with life. Who knows? I just want life to continue to get better, but more importantly, my contentment to prevail.
I am happier than these 'strawberry & cream' lollies I saw on the bitumen the other day.
Wednesday, 11 November 2009
Tired
Just bored my brain and tired my eyes by censoring the past few years of blog posts. About time.
Kind of forgot to eat dinner. Was hungry about 4 hours ago but beer satiated me. Now I'm exhausted and don't even have the energy to make love to Alain de Botton's brain. Bugger, I really enjoyed that last night.
Focus and concentration needs to be swiftly put back on the agenda. So does domestic bliss. No more writings or musings about you-know-who. I'm referring to the Special Man Friend of course, (formerly known as BG). Now that he seemingly exists in the reality plane of my life, there's no need to live out the relationship here in cyberspace. There's also plenty of other better things to do, such as brush my teeth and sleep. I wish I had a better stash of snacks in the house.
Kind of forgot to eat dinner. Was hungry about 4 hours ago but beer satiated me. Now I'm exhausted and don't even have the energy to make love to Alain de Botton's brain. Bugger, I really enjoyed that last night.
Focus and concentration needs to be swiftly put back on the agenda. So does domestic bliss. No more writings or musings about you-know-who. I'm referring to the Special Man Friend of course, (formerly known as BG). Now that he seemingly exists in the reality plane of my life, there's no need to live out the relationship here in cyberspace. There's also plenty of other better things to do, such as brush my teeth and sleep. I wish I had a better stash of snacks in the house.
Monday, 9 November 2009
Gold Beans
Money problems (again).
Unexplainable lack of panic detectable regarding this week's rent shortfall. I think I'm pretty moderate with money. I do however prioritise socialising, eating and well-being over bill paying. I'm keen to wrestle my finances to the ground. Despite my positive outlook this area of my life needs some serious attention, goal setting and discipline.
Or I might win money somehow!
One of the arguably non-essential items I've bought in last few weeks is new jar of the amazing Kigelia cream from Bio Botanica in Northern NSW. This cream, lashings of sun and an unprecedented amount of weekend exercise have all improved my complexion. Praise the Sausage Tree!
http://biobotanica.com.au/
Unexplainable lack of panic detectable regarding this week's rent shortfall. I think I'm pretty moderate with money. I do however prioritise socialising, eating and well-being over bill paying. I'm keen to wrestle my finances to the ground. Despite my positive outlook this area of my life needs some serious attention, goal setting and discipline.
Or I might win money somehow!
One of the arguably non-essential items I've bought in last few weeks is new jar of the amazing Kigelia cream from Bio Botanica in Northern NSW. This cream, lashings of sun and an unprecedented amount of weekend exercise have all improved my complexion. Praise the Sausage Tree!
http://biobotanica.com.au/
Saturday, 7 November 2009
'til the break of dawn
A few years ago, a friend put me onto a Thought of the Day email subscription, from a wonderful place in Convent Garden. I always think of childhood, Enid Blyton and ballet when I hear of Convent Garden. I know nothing of the place today or in reality. I find these daily emails simply lovely. Sometimes redundant, but more frequently calming and warm and fuzzy. Even if the day's particular thought isn't of pertinent meaning or significance to me, I still find that it provides a moment of pleasant respite or distraction.
You are reading the first post of uncharacteristically ok phase 2. So fitting that I should start this after one of my thrice-annual scoobs. There is a new subheading. I thought of re-subheading it as Beyond The Boy Genius or Everything But Boy Genius. But Post-Depression seems more apt. I having been listening to The Rolling Stones and Neil Young alot. I'm at my best driving along in the summer weather singing Old Man at the top of my lungs. But this embarrassing image is purely to illustrate that I have broken a new dawn in happiness.
In a modern world of online persona construction, I am even going to take the liberty of deleting some past posts. It's an interesting exercise.
So from here on, I hope I will gently steer this blog in a more interesting, 'healthy' and useful direction. Today I sailed through some open water swimmers in the No Boating Zone, so that's a start.
If I think about why I am happy now it isn't immediately clear. What I have done and how I have changed in the past 2.5 years has happened so incrementally that I feel it might be noteworthy* to try and harness some of these reasons to be cheerful*....
I live on my own. I am interested in and open to living with other people again, but very happy on my own. Even the fact that I've virtually hamstrung myself financially by doing this isn't a downer, instead I feel grateful, almost blessed, that I manage to scrape together the rent each month. But because of sailing membership fees, friendly debt payments and general spendings, this month's rent will be a major struggle (or at the least the week after). So I need to sort myself out and get better at counting and saving my beans. Even this dismal situation is looked upon with faith and commitment to sort it out, rather than from a depressive perspective. My G.P. said my anti-depressant is 40% placebo but gently smiled as she endorsed my glacial severance from this medication. I'll take the 40% and the advice that new man friends need to get sexual checks. Bit of a cold spoon! I retorted.
I'm listening to The Rolling Stones. Music can aid moods (in either direction!). I have been listening to alot of music lately.
I have been exercising, but not in a revolutionary way. Swimming is an amazing activity for me. Sometimes I think I might indeed be 0.3% mermaid. Each time I see the Special Man Friend (formerly BG), I do expend a decent amount of life-force energy wanting to devour him but am relieved when I end up in bed alone. Another day passed with my body NOT ON DISPLAY. I personally think it will be interesting to observe if and how my bodily image will change in a potential new relationship. My body image is okay, just okay.
Lets bring the brain back to domesticity. A harmonious and relatively clean abode does wonders to my state of mind. In fact, so much so that in this moment of weighing up value in and enjoyment of blog writing, versus 8 hours sleep and fending off domestic disgrace, I choose the latter. Continuously challenging myself to use my computer less.
*two of my Dad's favourite things: Ian Dury's "Reasons to Be Cheerful, Part III" and the oft-used word noteworthy.
You are reading the first post of uncharacteristically ok phase 2. So fitting that I should start this after one of my thrice-annual scoobs. There is a new subheading. I thought of re-subheading it as Beyond The Boy Genius or Everything But Boy Genius. But Post-Depression seems more apt. I having been listening to The Rolling Stones and Neil Young alot. I'm at my best driving along in the summer weather singing Old Man at the top of my lungs. But this embarrassing image is purely to illustrate that I have broken a new dawn in happiness.
In a modern world of online persona construction, I am even going to take the liberty of deleting some past posts. It's an interesting exercise.
So from here on, I hope I will gently steer this blog in a more interesting, 'healthy' and useful direction. Today I sailed through some open water swimmers in the No Boating Zone, so that's a start.
If I think about why I am happy now it isn't immediately clear. What I have done and how I have changed in the past 2.5 years has happened so incrementally that I feel it might be noteworthy* to try and harness some of these reasons to be cheerful*....
I live on my own. I am interested in and open to living with other people again, but very happy on my own. Even the fact that I've virtually hamstrung myself financially by doing this isn't a downer, instead I feel grateful, almost blessed, that I manage to scrape together the rent each month. But because of sailing membership fees, friendly debt payments and general spendings, this month's rent will be a major struggle (or at the least the week after). So I need to sort myself out and get better at counting and saving my beans. Even this dismal situation is looked upon with faith and commitment to sort it out, rather than from a depressive perspective. My G.P. said my anti-depressant is 40% placebo but gently smiled as she endorsed my glacial severance from this medication. I'll take the 40% and the advice that new man friends need to get sexual checks. Bit of a cold spoon! I retorted.
I'm listening to The Rolling Stones. Music can aid moods (in either direction!). I have been listening to alot of music lately.
I have been exercising, but not in a revolutionary way. Swimming is an amazing activity for me. Sometimes I think I might indeed be 0.3% mermaid. Each time I see the Special Man Friend (formerly BG), I do expend a decent amount of life-force energy wanting to devour him but am relieved when I end up in bed alone. Another day passed with my body NOT ON DISPLAY. I personally think it will be interesting to observe if and how my bodily image will change in a potential new relationship. My body image is okay, just okay.
Lets bring the brain back to domesticity. A harmonious and relatively clean abode does wonders to my state of mind. In fact, so much so that in this moment of weighing up value in and enjoyment of blog writing, versus 8 hours sleep and fending off domestic disgrace, I choose the latter. Continuously challenging myself to use my computer less.
*two of my Dad's favourite things: Ian Dury's "Reasons to Be Cheerful, Part III" and the oft-used word noteworthy.
Friday, 6 November 2009
where to bury the past?
I've been revisiting blog posts from all sorts of places in the past; recent and distant, negative and positive.
I knew it'd come to this... a point where the embarassment of what I've recorded here would outweigh the other possible merits. But I'm not sure what to do... delete all incriminating posts? I want to somehow keep them but label them dangerous, misleading and quite possibly a real turn-off. Can I live with the shame?
Now that the fog has cleared in the land of BG I'm feeling pretty embarassed about all I've written about him and my brain's handling of the situation. I want to cash in all my words in exchange for a more useful currency. I don't regret writing them, but am fretting about what kind of scent I've left behind and if BG will ever find and follow it.
I am not a nutter, truly. Cashews are my nut of choice though.
Where do I file all this nonsense and where do I take uncharacteristically ok now? I've kept my embarassing teenage diaries, but they're forgivable.
What shall we do with a formerly anxious and somewhat obsessive 30 year old?
Although it hasn't been a driving theme, my self-worth has really been put to the test throughout this cargo-ship-slow-would-be-romance*. I've survived without losing my confidence.
There are tomes I could write but bedtime is nigh!
*I LIKE CARGO SHIPS VERY MUCH.
I knew it'd come to this... a point where the embarassment of what I've recorded here would outweigh the other possible merits. But I'm not sure what to do... delete all incriminating posts? I want to somehow keep them but label them dangerous, misleading and quite possibly a real turn-off. Can I live with the shame?
Now that the fog has cleared in the land of BG I'm feeling pretty embarassed about all I've written about him and my brain's handling of the situation. I want to cash in all my words in exchange for a more useful currency. I don't regret writing them, but am fretting about what kind of scent I've left behind and if BG will ever find and follow it.
I am not a nutter, truly. Cashews are my nut of choice though.
Where do I file all this nonsense and where do I take uncharacteristically ok now? I've kept my embarassing teenage diaries, but they're forgivable.
What shall we do with a formerly anxious and somewhat obsessive 30 year old?
Although it hasn't been a driving theme, my self-worth has really been put to the test throughout this cargo-ship-slow-would-be-romance*. I've survived without losing my confidence.
There are tomes I could write but bedtime is nigh!
*I LIKE CARGO SHIPS VERY MUCH.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)