Clarity! No dreams come true nor feared rejection suffered. A sweet mutual confession of a romance that must brew for a little longer or dissolve into a platonic state.
Ah mystery of life! I will cease to try to fathom nor predict you.
Friday, 30 October 2009
Wednesday, 21 October 2009
I HAD A DREAM! (said with Martin Luther King vigor)
Had a dream last night that I was given 2 tickets to a symphony orchestra performance, I was given them by a tv drama producer I aspire to work for. BG had asked me to witness a form he was filling out and it was all very cosy. I thought I was going to have to invite my Mum with the spare ticket but all worked out and BG invited himself. Before we even got to the theatre we kissed! Kissed! Kissed!
Yes it has come to this... erotic dreams. Why oh why BG are you filling my thoughts day and night? Come to me or set my little brain free.
Dream also involved friend's house and her guests and a giant bottle of washing detergent.
Yes it has come to this... erotic dreams. Why oh why BG are you filling my thoughts day and night? Come to me or set my little brain free.
Dream also involved friend's house and her guests and a giant bottle of washing detergent.
Tuesday, 20 October 2009
The Merry Go Round
Hope. Fear. Delusion. Love. Hope. Faith. Worry. Confusion. Etc. Hope. Happiness. Captivation. Delusion. Imagination. Instinct. Confusion. Love. Confidence. Faith. Fear. Insecurity. Wonder. Urgency. Patience. Trust. Delusion. Confusion.
Love?
-- Posted from my iPhone
Love?
-- Posted from my iPhone
Sunday, 18 October 2009
Fear
Just had an epiphany about fear. Fear is the thing I need to face and overcome in order to be subconciously ready for love.
So... where to start?
-- Posted from my iPhone
So... where to start?
-- Posted from my iPhone
Saturday, 17 October 2009
BG vs FB
BG wins everytime.
Went out with FB last night. No vibe remotely detectable with this guy I shagged back in April. It was an interesting comparison study really, made me feel EVEN BETTER about my special friendship with BG.
By Thursday the euphoric aftermath of seeing BG Saturday night had turned back into nervous anxiety. I felt some urgency to confess to him my feelings and at the same time terrified of rejection, almost to the point of nausea. But yesterday morning, Friday, I woke up with much more faith in the universe. Faith that if it has 'lasted' this long, there is no urgency for me to declare my love and that I can wait. But more and more I hear that romance is about timing and as I write this the need to tell him asap is rising up in me again. I hope he makes contact very soon.
I am almost ready for romance. Finally fixed the squeaking bed!! Hasn't been shag-tested yet but i reckon it's ready!
Most of all I'm trying to exorcise my preconception that a man I desire SO MUCH is destined not to be mine. That's my biggest hurdle subconciously. Consciously, I need to do one of the scariest things in my life and divulge my feelings to him. Still keeping my fingers crossed that i won't be required to do this and that it will happen without my nerve-racking efforts.
Sometimes I step back from myself and this blog and observe what may look like stupidity. She's clearly OBSESSED with someone and that's not healthy. But let me tell you what's different: 1) if it does turn into a relationship I want to grant him every freedom, and 2) I realised that I love this man's brain and soul so much that if he turns out to have some hideous skin condition, under those clothes I've never seen off, it wouldn't for a moment reduce my desire to make love to him.
Am I crazy? Please don't answer.
Went out with FB last night. No vibe remotely detectable with this guy I shagged back in April. It was an interesting comparison study really, made me feel EVEN BETTER about my special friendship with BG.
By Thursday the euphoric aftermath of seeing BG Saturday night had turned back into nervous anxiety. I felt some urgency to confess to him my feelings and at the same time terrified of rejection, almost to the point of nausea. But yesterday morning, Friday, I woke up with much more faith in the universe. Faith that if it has 'lasted' this long, there is no urgency for me to declare my love and that I can wait. But more and more I hear that romance is about timing and as I write this the need to tell him asap is rising up in me again. I hope he makes contact very soon.
I am almost ready for romance. Finally fixed the squeaking bed!! Hasn't been shag-tested yet but i reckon it's ready!
Most of all I'm trying to exorcise my preconception that a man I desire SO MUCH is destined not to be mine. That's my biggest hurdle subconciously. Consciously, I need to do one of the scariest things in my life and divulge my feelings to him. Still keeping my fingers crossed that i won't be required to do this and that it will happen without my nerve-racking efforts.
Sometimes I step back from myself and this blog and observe what may look like stupidity. She's clearly OBSESSED with someone and that's not healthy. But let me tell you what's different: 1) if it does turn into a relationship I want to grant him every freedom, and 2) I realised that I love this man's brain and soul so much that if he turns out to have some hideous skin condition, under those clothes I've never seen off, it wouldn't for a moment reduce my desire to make love to him.
Am I crazy? Please don't answer.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Blog Action Day
Today is / was an international day of blog action on the topic of climate change... and I'm still fucking wired (incorrectly) about BG. Instead I should be seriously aware that although my iPhone runs off battery, it needs electricity to charge it, so do I need to listen to and use it ALL the time or can I conserve some power?
In other personal efforts I should probably wash clothes with cold water more often. I like washing with hot or warm water but I like the planet more. I've also bought some reusable (washable) dishcloths. There seems to be some questioning of the effectiveness of green electricity in Australia. Check out Green Electricity Watch in my links to the right of this page. I once took my laptop to the door and showed the watchdog website to a teenage salesman who was trying to get me to switch electricity retailers.
I don't know what else I can do, probably heaps. Sometimes I carbon offset my flights, sometimes I don't. What I am trying to do is choose food and drink that is made locally. Aussie beer rather than imported types, coffee roasted and packaged locally and wank from my own treasure trove. Yes, I may be fairly urban and maybe my efforts are in vain but I am trying and resolve to try harder. More and more I don't compare the price of organic products to their regular counterparts, I just buy them because I want to and feel that the extra dollars are going towards a type of sustainability I believe in.
When the weather's nice I like to cycle. I love nature and if I can reduce my use of the computer and iPhone, despite their clear virtues, I will be one step closer to living in line with my values. And hell, I don't need electricity to love my wonderful BG.
In other personal efforts I should probably wash clothes with cold water more often. I like washing with hot or warm water but I like the planet more. I've also bought some reusable (washable) dishcloths. There seems to be some questioning of the effectiveness of green electricity in Australia. Check out Green Electricity Watch in my links to the right of this page. I once took my laptop to the door and showed the watchdog website to a teenage salesman who was trying to get me to switch electricity retailers.
I don't know what else I can do, probably heaps. Sometimes I carbon offset my flights, sometimes I don't. What I am trying to do is choose food and drink that is made locally. Aussie beer rather than imported types, coffee roasted and packaged locally and wank from my own treasure trove. Yes, I may be fairly urban and maybe my efforts are in vain but I am trying and resolve to try harder. More and more I don't compare the price of organic products to their regular counterparts, I just buy them because I want to and feel that the extra dollars are going towards a type of sustainability I believe in.
When the weather's nice I like to cycle. I love nature and if I can reduce my use of the computer and iPhone, despite their clear virtues, I will be one step closer to living in line with my values. And hell, I don't need electricity to love my wonderful BG.
Sunday, 11 October 2009
Post Date Manifesto
I survived. I am alive. I had a really lovely time despite no kissing, no physical flirtation etc. I just wanted to write a note to myself to state that although a little queasy now I had a really great night with BG, even though I STILL don't know if he wants me beyond friendship. I don't know if he desires me, or just likes me. But what's important for future encounters is to remember that it wasn't hard or unpleasant. Even though I'm not sure where this friendship is going I can survive its ambiguity. I am getting to know him better.
He just left my cubbyhouse. Ah the eye contact at the end. Do I have the most powerful mis-interpretative abilities or are my instincts reliably good? That same old fucking question.
What's kind of ironic is that although the situation (sexual tension?) could quite possibly do with some alcohol splashed over it, we didn't have a boozy night. We in fact discussed becoming liver cleansing buddies.
Only one reference to a date with an ex-girlfriend made me think that maybe I'm not the next girlfriend. But I'm not sure about that either. I deliberately avoided mentioning the EX, as more than one-third of my memories and life experiences are connected to him and he often comes up in conversation unintentionally. It's the EX's birthday today. I found out he's having a dinner with some of my very good friends and I'm not invited, but I don't mind at all. I had fabulous company tonight. I could look at and listen to this man (BG) for a lifetime.
So I didn't come away with a bucket full of answers or clarity, but after nearly 5 hours of chatting I don't have too many questions either. Lets just see how long that lasts!
Bedtime now. Next time I rant and rave I need this post auto-sent to me. I need to remember that I can deal with and even enjoy the current status of my friendship with the BG. What's there to worry about?
He is fucking gorgeous.
He just left my cubbyhouse. Ah the eye contact at the end. Do I have the most powerful mis-interpretative abilities or are my instincts reliably good? That same old fucking question.
What's kind of ironic is that although the situation (sexual tension?) could quite possibly do with some alcohol splashed over it, we didn't have a boozy night. We in fact discussed becoming liver cleansing buddies.
Only one reference to a date with an ex-girlfriend made me think that maybe I'm not the next girlfriend. But I'm not sure about that either. I deliberately avoided mentioning the EX, as more than one-third of my memories and life experiences are connected to him and he often comes up in conversation unintentionally. It's the EX's birthday today. I found out he's having a dinner with some of my very good friends and I'm not invited, but I don't mind at all. I had fabulous company tonight. I could look at and listen to this man (BG) for a lifetime.
So I didn't come away with a bucket full of answers or clarity, but after nearly 5 hours of chatting I don't have too many questions either. Lets just see how long that lasts!
Bedtime now. Next time I rant and rave I need this post auto-sent to me. I need to remember that I can deal with and even enjoy the current status of my friendship with the BG. What's there to worry about?
He is fucking gorgeous.
Tuesday, 6 October 2009
Doing Okay
Best say I'm doing okay. Even postponed an appointment with the psychologist tonight. Didn't know what to say other than "how can you help me not have crippling meltdowns in the future?". Rainchecking that query til Thursday night.
I am coping with my new massive career challenge. I even seem to be making a good impression, believe it or not. Watch this space. Things could go horribly wrong! I hope not.
I'm also attempting quasi-liver cleansing. This just means not having dairy in the house nor drinking alcohol at home. I can hardly expect miracles from such minimal changes, especially before Saturday, when it seems I have a date with BG!!!
Yes, he's still alive. Yes, the romance is still alive. I'm bracing myself for both pashing and humiliating disappointment. I'm tossing around in my head the level of boldness that might be appropriate. He's a shy boy. There may be no option except to throw him on the bed and wear a shagging poncho as a modesty garment. I wonder how I can be wrong about all his seemingly suggestive interaction to date? I'm not an idiot. But I weigh up these moments of sweetness against his extensive absences and think maybe I am just delusionally hopeful. Or maybe things have changed? Maybe there was a time when he was keen, but that's now dissipated, like my stomach muscles.
My guilty indulgence is horoscopes. I scan them regularly for clues to my delusions / instincts.
I'm on track to finish the book club book by the next meeting. A first. We are reading The Tall Man (non-fiction) by Chloe Hooper. Brilliant. I gasped out loud when I read her very simply penned line about Palm Island having been missed in the last Australian census. Un-fucking-believable.
I am coping with my new massive career challenge. I even seem to be making a good impression, believe it or not. Watch this space. Things could go horribly wrong! I hope not.
I'm also attempting quasi-liver cleansing. This just means not having dairy in the house nor drinking alcohol at home. I can hardly expect miracles from such minimal changes, especially before Saturday, when it seems I have a date with BG!!!
Yes, he's still alive. Yes, the romance is still alive. I'm bracing myself for both pashing and humiliating disappointment. I'm tossing around in my head the level of boldness that might be appropriate. He's a shy boy. There may be no option except to throw him on the bed and wear a shagging poncho as a modesty garment. I wonder how I can be wrong about all his seemingly suggestive interaction to date? I'm not an idiot. But I weigh up these moments of sweetness against his extensive absences and think maybe I am just delusionally hopeful. Or maybe things have changed? Maybe there was a time when he was keen, but that's now dissipated, like my stomach muscles.
My guilty indulgence is horoscopes. I scan them regularly for clues to my delusions / instincts.
I'm on track to finish the book club book by the next meeting. A first. We are reading The Tall Man (non-fiction) by Chloe Hooper. Brilliant. I gasped out loud when I read her very simply penned line about Palm Island having been missed in the last Australian census. Un-fucking-believable.
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