And I'm depressed.
It's terribly selfish and even selfish isn't the right word for such a sentiment. People are dying in Nigeria. There's nasty violence because of political unhappiness. So why am I unhappy? I'm not getting fundamentally fucked over by my government. I'm not a believer of a religion that puts me at risk of getting killed on whim. There's insects in my house, but that's because of my own disgrace rather than lack of sanitary water supply or sewer system. I can't be bothered cleaning my teeth, but not because I don't have a toothbrush. My life is fine, so what's wrong with me?
I don't have any money and seem to be in a relentless hand-to-mouth cycle.
I don't feel confident about my work.
I'm appalled at my lack of productivity.
I don't have a man to distract me from all of the above.
Usually domestic bliss buoys my mood and makes me feel happy and functional. At the moment the chaos feels impenetrable and my motivation is at a record low. The only task I might attempt is a load of washing out of sheer utter necessity. If I had money I'd probably buy clothes rather than wash them, and I like washing.
I miss the BG. Smartly, he's left me to my own misery and I have to sort my own life out before I'll be rewarded with the companionship of a cuddly man. I don't feel equipped to sort out my own life at the moment though. I imagine that he is some paragon of creative productivity. Or just getting things done at a normal pace. I don't know how to get back on track from here. I want a clean slate. Overwhelmed is my middle name. Characteristically Overwhelmed should be this blog's new title.
I've got my first life coaching session in the morning and that feels like drudgery. Luckily its a dear friend who is my coach otherwise I'd probably cancel. Above all, if I had a spare $500-1000 I would book a holiday immediately and whisk myself at least 1500kms North. The cold isn't bothering me but I am always improved by the sea. No holiday for me at the moment. I've hamstrung myself with my financial management and I don't even have creative satisfaction to improve my state of mind. I've got nothing but I'm grateful for many things.
I swore things were getting better but it must have been a mirage. Is the desire for a holiday pure escapism? I really don't want to deal with my own reality at the moment. I'm uninspired by my apparent potential.
Daily Stats: Coffee = 2 | Fruit = nil | Vegetables = 0.25 | Exercise = nil | Biscuits = 11 approx | Alcohol = 2 | Domestic Accomplishments = nil
Good night. I'll be better in the morning, I'm sure. But I doubt fairies will clean up my house overnight.
Friday, 31 July 2009
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Irony in the form of Depression
So ridiculous that my last post exuberantly declared life as 'getting better all the time'. I retract that, entirely. Feeling craporama at the moment. The kind of crap that makes you value snoozing in bed as the activity of most importance. Washing dishes, cleaning teeth, attending to things on infinite list of things to do.... that can all get fucked. Yesterday I tried to objectively investigate my reasons for feeling down. I'm not feeling good about the job I'm doing, I'm not getting tickled by BG, I don't have an abundance of money to buoy my mood, my life is out of control, what I set out to achieve this week I haven't. Lack of accomplishment always gets me down the most. When I feel I haven't worked hard enough and performed far below my expectations I dive into a hole and crawl helplessly down it, covering myself with mud all the way. I can't rely on a relationship to make me feel better, and to be honest, the lack of BG action isn't bothering me that much at all, I truly haven't been depressed about it. What bothers me is my own dysfunction. Having someone shower me in kisses, cuddles and what-not would merely be a distraction from this current state of mind and some signifier that I wasn't quite as crap as I feel.
Feeling overwhelmed. What is so ironic is that I effortlessly presented myself to my psychologist on Tuesday night as a progressive princess of positivity. I talked about how far I'd come. We didn't have to deal with any of my sour moods, so we discussed intellectually my desire for the 'sad boys' as she called them. We discussed the dangers and mutually cautioned myself against falling into another codependent dysfunctional relationship. Personally, I'm so dysfunctional that tonight I was due to have a friend over for dinner but given my house is in a state of chaos and uncleanliness I decided to buy her dinner out instead. Operating on my bank balance, only a totally dysfunctional person would do this. I've run out of brain juice for my current job. I'm uninspired. I'm de-energised. I can't be bothered doing my washing. I'm firing on no cylinders. I need a holiday. Considering buying a lottery ticket. Would a functional person do this? Do I deserve a zap of luck? In better moods I'd say yes.
On a positive note some of Tuesday's psychology session has helped my brain identify the fantasy side of my friendship with BG. I am now aware when I'm indulging in the fantasy of it (this isn't that often mind you). I can take any thoughts during that brain phase with a large grain of salt. I'm determined to not take the relationship any further in the fantasy world; this includes reading and writing lyrical emails. Maybe I have retained a degree of function after all. Off to bed in linen that needs washing. Escaping to the book club book I was due to complete by last night. Small mercy that my fellow book clubbers didn't ruin the ending for me.
Daily Stats: Coffee = 2 | Fruit = 1 | Veges = 4 potatoes | Exercise = nil | Alcohol = 2
Feeling overwhelmed. What is so ironic is that I effortlessly presented myself to my psychologist on Tuesday night as a progressive princess of positivity. I talked about how far I'd come. We didn't have to deal with any of my sour moods, so we discussed intellectually my desire for the 'sad boys' as she called them. We discussed the dangers and mutually cautioned myself against falling into another codependent dysfunctional relationship. Personally, I'm so dysfunctional that tonight I was due to have a friend over for dinner but given my house is in a state of chaos and uncleanliness I decided to buy her dinner out instead. Operating on my bank balance, only a totally dysfunctional person would do this. I've run out of brain juice for my current job. I'm uninspired. I'm de-energised. I can't be bothered doing my washing. I'm firing on no cylinders. I need a holiday. Considering buying a lottery ticket. Would a functional person do this? Do I deserve a zap of luck? In better moods I'd say yes.
On a positive note some of Tuesday's psychology session has helped my brain identify the fantasy side of my friendship with BG. I am now aware when I'm indulging in the fantasy of it (this isn't that often mind you). I can take any thoughts during that brain phase with a large grain of salt. I'm determined to not take the relationship any further in the fantasy world; this includes reading and writing lyrical emails. Maybe I have retained a degree of function after all. Off to bed in linen that needs washing. Escaping to the book club book I was due to complete by last night. Small mercy that my fellow book clubbers didn't ruin the ending for me.
Daily Stats: Coffee = 2 | Fruit = 1 | Veges = 4 potatoes | Exercise = nil | Alcohol = 2
Monday, 27 July 2009
End of the Day
Daily Stats: Coffee = 2.75 | Fruit = 2 | Veges = 3 | Exercise = nil (talked about it though)
Life is good. It is improving. I just spent alot of time laughing with a new friend I have met through Bicycles for Humanity. I am kind of buzzing but super tired. Trying to get to bed earlier. 10pm ideally, so I can rise earlier. I find getting up early so rewarding.
No news on the BG front except some juicy egging-on from the new friend who is also convinced there is a vibe. Well, don't worry about me, I won't get carried away. Just a moment of giddiness like having a glass of champagne. I've got a life coach now. A friend suggested we life coach each other and we're actually doing it. I'm excited. A coach for my life!! Support to help change all the trivial things that bother me and add up to being slightly disgruntled with my life. Things can only get better. I've always liked that Beatles song Getting Better.
It's getting better all the time
I used to get mad at my school
The teachers who taught me weren't cool
You're holding me down, turning me round
Filling me up with your rules
I've got to admit it's getting better
A little better all the time
It can't get no worse
I have to admit it's getting better, it's getting better
Since you've been mine
Me used to be a angry young man
Me hiding me head in the sand
You gave me the word, I finally heard
I'm doing the best that I can
I've got to admit it's getting better
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
I have to admit its getting better, it's getting better
Since you've been mine (Getting so much better all the time)
It's getting better all the time
Better
It's getting better all the time
Better Better Better
I used to be cruel to my woman
I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved
Man, I was mean but I'm changing my scene
And I'm doing the best that I can
I admit it's getting better
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
Yes, I admit it's getting better, it's getting better
Since you've been mine (Getting so much better all the time)
It's getting better all the time
Better Better Better
It's getting better all the time
Better Better Better
Getting so much better all the time
Life is good. It is improving. I just spent alot of time laughing with a new friend I have met through Bicycles for Humanity. I am kind of buzzing but super tired. Trying to get to bed earlier. 10pm ideally, so I can rise earlier. I find getting up early so rewarding.
No news on the BG front except some juicy egging-on from the new friend who is also convinced there is a vibe. Well, don't worry about me, I won't get carried away. Just a moment of giddiness like having a glass of champagne. I've got a life coach now. A friend suggested we life coach each other and we're actually doing it. I'm excited. A coach for my life!! Support to help change all the trivial things that bother me and add up to being slightly disgruntled with my life. Things can only get better. I've always liked that Beatles song Getting Better.
It's getting better all the time
I used to get mad at my school
The teachers who taught me weren't cool
You're holding me down, turning me round
Filling me up with your rules
I've got to admit it's getting better
A little better all the time
It can't get no worse
I have to admit it's getting better, it's getting better
Since you've been mine
Me used to be a angry young man
Me hiding me head in the sand
You gave me the word, I finally heard
I'm doing the best that I can
I've got to admit it's getting better
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
I have to admit its getting better, it's getting better
Since you've been mine (Getting so much better all the time)
It's getting better all the time
Better
It's getting better all the time
Better Better Better
I used to be cruel to my woman
I beat her and kept her apart from the things that she loved
Man, I was mean but I'm changing my scene
And I'm doing the best that I can
I admit it's getting better
A little better all the time (It can't get no worse)
Yes, I admit it's getting better, it's getting better
Since you've been mine (Getting so much better all the time)
It's getting better all the time
Better Better Better
It's getting better all the time
Better Better Better
Getting so much better all the time
Friday, 24 July 2009
WIP
In some industries, such as mine, a WIP is a Work In Progress. It refers to a meeting, a file, or in my case, person. I am hoping I can improve radically from here on. This week I have had solid realisations that I need to improve my skills, or acquire skills I don't have. I have chosen a career that I'm now wondering whether I have the required abilities to perform. Bizarrely though it's not one of my usual plummets down a well of self-loathing. It's a conscious, logical awareness that I need to get better at various aspects of my 'craft'. I'm also aware that I'm not that creative that often. I've got a 50/50 use of my left and right brain spheres, according to an online survey that wasn't endorsed by any professional body. I need to be sillier more often, that's why I like the BG. He brings that out of me. I need to play, dabble, explore creative ideas and stop being so bloody logical and systematic. My greatest problem is focus. Concentration. I want to develop it. Enhance it. Exercise it. I blame my lack of concentration for my latest 'failure'. Even now I'm thinking of stalling this blog post to google concentration exercises.
Speaking of exercise, I've been doing some. Had some kind of logical plan to exercise every day this week. Almost got there. Thursday and today were sideswiped by knock-off beers, hunger, impromptu carb-parties, pools that closed early... Thought I would do some pilates or home exercises tonight in lieu of a swimmy-swim-swim. But I haven't yet. I've domesticated whilst watching Lost in Translation.
I restlessly scan indexes of books for insights or advice on concentration issues. I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Too many things at once. Too many mini-tasks achieved instead of steady focus on the bigger tasks that require my prolonged attention. It's giving things proper attention that makes them enjoyable and engenders inspiration and ideas and yet I'll skip around such a mental state. Is turning the computer off the answer? But it's so handy and many of the things I need live in there. Is dogged stubbornness required to stop my mind or fingers drifting to other thoughts or tasks? I'm so desperate to improve this aspect of myself that I think I will sign off now and google it. It's worth a shot. Can I stay on that task and not be tempted by the carrots of the world wide web?
Speaking of exercise, I've been doing some. Had some kind of logical plan to exercise every day this week. Almost got there. Thursday and today were sideswiped by knock-off beers, hunger, impromptu carb-parties, pools that closed early... Thought I would do some pilates or home exercises tonight in lieu of a swimmy-swim-swim. But I haven't yet. I've domesticated whilst watching Lost in Translation.
I restlessly scan indexes of books for insights or advice on concentration issues. I still haven't found what I'm looking for. Too many things at once. Too many mini-tasks achieved instead of steady focus on the bigger tasks that require my prolonged attention. It's giving things proper attention that makes them enjoyable and engenders inspiration and ideas and yet I'll skip around such a mental state. Is turning the computer off the answer? But it's so handy and many of the things I need live in there. Is dogged stubbornness required to stop my mind or fingers drifting to other thoughts or tasks? I'm so desperate to improve this aspect of myself that I think I will sign off now and google it. It's worth a shot. Can I stay on that task and not be tempted by the carrots of the world wide web?
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
For the sake of the post
Daily Stats:
Coffee = 3 | Pears = 2 | Veg = 4ish | Excercise = 1 lazily stiff sun salutation | Regrets = in the past
This morning I was feeling depressed and lethargic. The post-party-blues plummeted even further. Regrets and fears were high. I couldn't summon much focus nor enthusiasm for work. Things started to improve after I discovered my treasured wool hat from Spain had been found at the pub where I celebrated my 30th. I thought if I'd lost it the party may have been barely worth it. My mood got remarkably better after I ate a salad and some roast potatoes for lunch (okay, wasn't totally a Gwenyth Paltrow style meal but for me it was applaudable).
I spent a little bit of time contemplating whether to send an sms of care and thought to the sick BG. I finally did it at the end of the day and it was well received and appreciated. Another day, another frontier crossed.
For the next three days I am having to direct a documentary shoot at the speed of light. Pray for divine assistance, luck and prevailing good moods. Blue sky would be nice too.
Bonne nuit!
Coffee = 3 | Pears = 2 | Veg = 4ish | Excercise = 1 lazily stiff sun salutation | Regrets = in the past
This morning I was feeling depressed and lethargic. The post-party-blues plummeted even further. Regrets and fears were high. I couldn't summon much focus nor enthusiasm for work. Things started to improve after I discovered my treasured wool hat from Spain had been found at the pub where I celebrated my 30th. I thought if I'd lost it the party may have been barely worth it. My mood got remarkably better after I ate a salad and some roast potatoes for lunch (okay, wasn't totally a Gwenyth Paltrow style meal but for me it was applaudable).
I spent a little bit of time contemplating whether to send an sms of care and thought to the sick BG. I finally did it at the end of the day and it was well received and appreciated. Another day, another frontier crossed.
For the next three days I am having to direct a documentary shoot at the speed of light. Pray for divine assistance, luck and prevailing good moods. Blue sky would be nice too.
Bonne nuit!
Monday, 13 July 2009
Greetings from the other side of 30
I'm now 30. I had a party on the weekend. I'm coming down from it, quite heavily. Body is fragile after another of my famously terrible hangovers. Had a date scheduled with BG tonight. He had to postpone. Has lost his voice! Was sort of a relief as I just don't feel myself. Quite subdued. I was so excited though. Didn't sleep well at all last night. Was thinking about ways I could broach the topic of our apparent but undeclared interest in each other. Tonight I'm having to hold back. I have the urge to reach out to him further, because he's sick. I have the urge to tell him that the cute toy he gave me for my birthday is sitting on my bedhead. I have the urge to amplify and prolong the rush I get every time we make contact. But I've got to hold back. I've got to protect myself and not smother the boy. Oh but I want to. I want to wrap him in love. Not that long now I think. It seems all good. There's always the risk that I will get rejected, but I have a feeling he's got the same concerns.
My liver's riot against me yesterday was another reminder that I'm not looking after myself. I am a toxic wench. How to tackle it? I went out today to buy a tub of plain yoghurt and came back with a meat pie. I want instant health. I want an exercise routine. I want it all but day to day none of these changes take place. I guess I better sign off and deal with domesticity. I could wash my hair and face; that'd be progress.
Daily Stats: Coffee = 1 | Fruit = ? | Veg = 0.5 | Regrets = aforementioned | Exercise = slow 20min cycle to work
My liver's riot against me yesterday was another reminder that I'm not looking after myself. I am a toxic wench. How to tackle it? I went out today to buy a tub of plain yoghurt and came back with a meat pie. I want instant health. I want an exercise routine. I want it all but day to day none of these changes take place. I guess I better sign off and deal with domesticity. I could wash my hair and face; that'd be progress.
Daily Stats: Coffee = 1 | Fruit = ? | Veg = 0.5 | Regrets = aforementioned | Exercise = slow 20min cycle to work
Wednesday, 8 July 2009
Loss
A day of loss. The EX won't be having a baby soon after all. So incredibly sad. Being his formerly abandoned twin I know what heartache he is experiencing. I felt it in my veins immediately. I can see and hear him crying and curling up in the bed.
Paling in comparison, I've been abandoned by the Boy Genius it seems. What did I do? What was it I said? Why have the curtains fallen? Is this an intermission, the scripted end of the play or an embarrassing error that must stop the show? The lead actor has forgotten their words. Did I say the wrong thing? I wait for his reply, knowing that it's not right to want it so badly and knowing that I must be way back in his queue of foremost thoughts; unworthy of a response for some reason.
Miscarriage is unfair. It doesn't make sense, particularly when it happens mid-term. Abandonment is unfair. It doesn't make sense, particularly when it happens after you've exchanged a taste of your soul with someone.
Life goes on. Again I'm surviving and rolling with the punches.
DAILY STATS @ 5pm:
Coffee = 3 Fruit = 2 Veges = 1.5 Exercise = nil Regrets = 3 monte carlo biscuits
Paling in comparison, I've been abandoned by the Boy Genius it seems. What did I do? What was it I said? Why have the curtains fallen? Is this an intermission, the scripted end of the play or an embarrassing error that must stop the show? The lead actor has forgotten their words. Did I say the wrong thing? I wait for his reply, knowing that it's not right to want it so badly and knowing that I must be way back in his queue of foremost thoughts; unworthy of a response for some reason.
Miscarriage is unfair. It doesn't make sense, particularly when it happens mid-term. Abandonment is unfair. It doesn't make sense, particularly when it happens after you've exchanged a taste of your soul with someone.
Life goes on. Again I'm surviving and rolling with the punches.
DAILY STATS @ 5pm:
Coffee = 3 Fruit = 2 Veges = 1.5 Exercise = nil Regrets = 3 monte carlo biscuits
Tuesday, 7 July 2009
Missing Boy Genius
BG's disappeared. Never responded to my last correspondence. Still interstate presumably. What to do? Hang tight I guess. I'm feeling fine. Disappointed I guess. But I just did some mending (sewed button back on jacket and fixed bag that broke nearly 2 years ago) so I must be of stable state of mind. I'm optimistic but have a sense that I shouldn't reach out any further to BG right in this moment. At some point I'd like to show him that I care and like him just the way he is, but I'm mindful of freaking him out and I'm doing fine on my own. I made a dubious-looking vegetable soup tonight.
Where does my current lightness of mind come from? It's unexplainable. I'm not doing any exercise and that's dreadful; ask my gluteal muscles. Where does my lack of fear and optimism come from? It's unexplainable; bordering on delusional?
This morning I had a rough start. Slept in til 930am when I'd promised to be at office earlier. Felt a little guilty and annoyed at myself but as I dashed out the door I found a taxi right outside my house, so said to myself "It's my lucky day!". I then repeated the sentiment to myself several more times today. I'd better head to bed soon or there'll be another repeat of this morning and my bank account can't afford cabs every day. Money is still a problem. I pondered today whilst I was in the taxi whether I'll live to the very edge of my means even when my income increases? I plan not to but I love being free with money.
I've really got to close now. I kind of made some weak promise to myself that I'd do the dishes before bed and I can sense I'm going to break that right now.... but I won't hate myself!
Where does my current lightness of mind come from? It's unexplainable. I'm not doing any exercise and that's dreadful; ask my gluteal muscles. Where does my lack of fear and optimism come from? It's unexplainable; bordering on delusional?
This morning I had a rough start. Slept in til 930am when I'd promised to be at office earlier. Felt a little guilty and annoyed at myself but as I dashed out the door I found a taxi right outside my house, so said to myself "It's my lucky day!". I then repeated the sentiment to myself several more times today. I'd better head to bed soon or there'll be another repeat of this morning and my bank account can't afford cabs every day. Money is still a problem. I pondered today whilst I was in the taxi whether I'll live to the very edge of my means even when my income increases? I plan not to but I love being free with money.
I've really got to close now. I kind of made some weak promise to myself that I'd do the dishes before bed and I can sense I'm going to break that right now.... but I won't hate myself!
Saturday, 4 July 2009
Andy Roddick's probably a bad shag
I can do better than that.
I embraced my compassionate intuition and reached out to the BG. He hasn't been feeling very good. No response yet. No worries. I care about him and want to know he's okay, but I can't fall into the trap of saving him. Saving men is my instinct. I like a man I can care for but I've got to be so mindful of getting absorbed into someone else's psyche. Of course the usual questions have arisen; whether I've been too keen or divulged too much about myself? I had to do it though. I had to reach out to him. He has enough integrity to respond in due course though, I know that. I hope he's okay.
Last night a few things made me realise that I've got a much better self-worth these days; a very friendly almost familial SMS exchange with the EX; thoughts of him cuddling his pregnant partner, and then I danced exuberantly after ascertaining that all the good-looking men at the gathering were taken.... I realised as I was dancing that I'm okay with rejection. Rejection isn't rejection, that's too harsh an interpretation. I could be more desirable as a woman but I've got some base no-name level of confidence that I'm now not too swayed by others opinions. Of course I may reassess this self-belief if in 5 years time no one has seemed interested in signing up for a lifetime of cuddles with me, but for now I'm okay. I'm doing fine. I'm not going to hate myself for expressing my care to the BG. Life goes on and I've got a liver to detox.
I embraced my compassionate intuition and reached out to the BG. He hasn't been feeling very good. No response yet. No worries. I care about him and want to know he's okay, but I can't fall into the trap of saving him. Saving men is my instinct. I like a man I can care for but I've got to be so mindful of getting absorbed into someone else's psyche. Of course the usual questions have arisen; whether I've been too keen or divulged too much about myself? I had to do it though. I had to reach out to him. He has enough integrity to respond in due course though, I know that. I hope he's okay.
Last night a few things made me realise that I've got a much better self-worth these days; a very friendly almost familial SMS exchange with the EX; thoughts of him cuddling his pregnant partner, and then I danced exuberantly after ascertaining that all the good-looking men at the gathering were taken.... I realised as I was dancing that I'm okay with rejection. Rejection isn't rejection, that's too harsh an interpretation. I could be more desirable as a woman but I've got some base no-name level of confidence that I'm now not too swayed by others opinions. Of course I may reassess this self-belief if in 5 years time no one has seemed interested in signing up for a lifetime of cuddles with me, but for now I'm okay. I'm doing fine. I'm not going to hate myself for expressing my care to the BG. Life goes on and I've got a liver to detox.
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