Calmly Fantasising

The Boy-Genius is overseas. Yonder. I miss him. He'll be back in about 10 days. I'm highly aware that he's not in the country. I won't run into him on the street, I won't receive a phone call and even an email is unlikely... I'm feeling calm but definitely excited, is this humanly possible or am I kidding myself?

I've accepted my love-sickness and am not feeling guilty about it. Not questioning why I feel the way I do or trying to stop what I'm feeling. I'm feeling good. I'm feeling giddy. I'm feeling worthy and confident but also pondering weight-loss and physical improvement strategies.

I see and think of things I want to buy, make and give him. Of course I don't know him very well but already I think I have an inkling of what he would like. I can't wait to swap music again. I want to know what kind of furniture he likes. I am climbing so high up this mountain aren't I bound to come crashing down?! I am aware I need to be gentle with him. I don't want to twist his arm or heart into anything. The more slowly and sweetly it unfolds the safer it will be and the more palatable my appearance.

Pondering the 1995 catastrophe made me realise that I have an expectation or preconception that all I want in love won't work out and that if I desire something, I must have it wrong. Of course, I dearly hope this isn't true and keep playing the same old tune in vain. But I feel as though I need to cut-out the idea from my brain that desire and desired result are mutually exclusive. Yet, I'm aware or deluding myself that this time it's different. I've been keeping his delightful email correspondence in a safe place. I usually delete all electronic trails with boys of interest. I believe in love of course and believe that I will one day meet someone who's soul fits mine like a cosy ugg boot. I just can't quite shake the feeling that if I desire someone, they'll never be mine.

I must find a way to shake it. Please send remedies and magic potion recipes!