A bloody twisty-necked bird got me all worried a few days ago. jinx (noun)
1. a person, thing, or influence supposed to bring bad luck.
jinx (verb) (used with object)
2. to bring bad luck to; place a jinx on: The strike has jinxed my plans to go to Milwaukee for the weekend.
3. to destroy the point of: His sudden laugh jinxed the host's joke.
Origin: 1910–15, Americanism, jynx wryneck (bird used in divination and magic)
I felt like I was jinxing the evolving special friendship with the boy-genius. Although I want to keep it private and special (why the fuck is she blogging people?!), because the giddiness is bubbling over I can't help but answer questions - "yes, there is someone special" - "no, nothing's actually happened yet" - "yes, I'm convinced there's a vibe". Blah, blah, blah. But researching the origins of the term jinx as well as finding in my notebook a thought that I'd jinxed it a few months ago (before we even met up) made me realise that this was all just superstitious. Ridiculous to think my life's destiny can be turned by a weird-arse bird!
But what does it mean when an image, thought or feeling about someone is the last thing on your mind before sleep or more amazingly - the first thing presented when you wake up? Sometimes I think that my imaginative nature might predispose me to this sort of carrying-on. I'm also questioning whether my imagination has distorted reality for its own romantic delight?
Anyway, the Dalai Lama also poked a bit of sense back into me. Fear and anxiety can be quelled if you connect to your sincere motivation for wanting or doing something. Why do I want to call the Boy-Genius? Because I think he's special, because I want to express my care as a friend and because I enjoy conversation with him. The basics. The bare necessities. I don't want to trick or coerce him into anything. I don't want to pull the wool over his eyes and drag him to the bedroom (though it might get to that point). I simply want to be a friend and reciprocate a friendship that seems to be growing. There. Sorted. No more brain dancing.
I went sailing proper this morning. I finally got the hang of it. I was in a little boat, a Laser, on my own. I'm hooked. There was much peace to be had out there in the calm bay. Just me, the birds, sun glittering off the water and the marvellous boat. Of course I imagined being out on the water with the BG. But also with friends, family and the desire to continue this as a solo-pleasure.
I must wrap up. I'm posting from bed and my infected and inflamed throat demands attention. The cupboard is almost bare. I wonder what I can scrape together tonight? What is bizarre is that I am in some stasis or cone of denial about money. I have about $40 left to my name and hoping like hell I can make a contractor pay me early next week. But right now I'm fine. I'm warm and cosy in my little cubbyhouse. Life is okay. Better than okay.
