Doctor's Orders

Went to my GP this morning. Was hideously late and thus skipped the pap-smear and skin-cancer check. Had a necessary chat about the reduction of anti-depressant medication. Been on half-dose for a month now and haven't turned into a werewolf yet. But still going for a wax on Saturday.

There is fear in me, or should I say there was, until my Angel of a GP instilled confidence and strategy in me. Each time I have had a life-stopping 'flip-out' during the past 4 years it has been related to some hi-stress or confidence taxing work. I crumbled. I went to bed for days and my EX-partner had to dress me in his jacket and take me out into the backyard for some sun, whilst I cried in despair all the while. It was crazy. The GP rightly said that I'm not the same person anymore. I'm not the same person I was and I may not and probably won't react to stress in the same way I did many years ago. I get tight in the chest and eyes-swell just recalling these incidents or moods. I am definitely not the same person I was. The EX has missed out. I often think we took the worst years of each others' lives.

Anyway, I rant and rave and the purpose of this post is to start charting the next couple of months with simple observations, as per my doctor's advice. Try to be aware of a slide towards freak-out quicksand... observe and note reactions, moods, health care and whatever else I think is pertinent. Thus...

Tonight I consumed too many salicylates, amines, preservatives and glutamates. Yummy dumplings and sauvignon blanc. I now have itchy eyes. So I took a polaramine, to prevent a blow-up (never used to do this) with the cheeky knowledge it may help me sleep. I've been sleeping terribly. Apparently it's cool if I take a maximum of 2 temazapan a week - not necessarily at the same time with a bloody mary. Tonight I'm going to try a meditation CD before bed.

Over dinner I had a wonderful catch-up with an ultra-smart, warm, open darling of a woman. Probably my only friend that is significantly younger than me. I directed her acting in a film years ago. The conversation was stimulating, hilarious, nostalgic, thoughtful, ambitious and did me good.

I did my washing up tonight. Tick bloody tick. So much easier to accomplish when you're not actually cooking anything.

In terms of how I felt or reacted to things... I felt like I was sharp at the two meetings I had today. I felt sick in the stomach, annoyed at myself and embarassed as I arrived 20mins late for a doctor's appointment. She didn't punish me. She's a GP made in heaven. Couldn't give two hoots about the missed pap smear but the skin check is a curiousity to me.

Anyways, you don't want to know that. When I finally got back to the office at 4pm (after getting my head screwed on straight by the osteopath), I read a few emails. It took me a bit over an hour before I got into the swing of writing the treatment I have to write and then it was time to leave. I am trying to cultivate concentration and have noticed in the last two days I seem to have a concentration or focus 'spike' at around 530 / 6pm.

I told the friend all about the BG. Yes, I have reached threshold point and boiled over. I can't contain myself anymore. To close friends I reveal my excitement about this Saturday. The advice I got tonight which was magnificent is... all I have to decide at the date is if I want to see him again or not. Naturally I re-read his email and my response several times. I could choose to delete all our correspondence to date but I want to keep it. Maybe I'll print it out and bury it with the Shroud of Turin, so I have to tackle ancient spirits and really summon the will if I get the urge to re-read our electronic courtship. With every other boy/man to date I've deleted all his emails and sms. So much easier for my brain. I can't have heroin in the house and not dip into it for a taste.

I walked from St Kilda to Windsor. Need to start planning times to exercise. Not exercising amidst stress always is detrimental for me. Hopefully it will pay off in other ways too and I will feel more liberated throwing my clothes off when the mood dictates.

This has been a sloppy post, but hell... I'm a sloppy person.