Twas the Night Before Christmas

...and I had a wax and bought pricey but effective skin creams with nearly the very last of my money. Then I ran into two homeless people who have become somewhat friends.

Back in August when I was the proud possessor of a Gold Double Pass to an Independent Cinema, a homeless man approached me after I'd just walked out from a film with the BOI. He was after spare change or donations; begging by any other name. I asked him whether he'd like cinema tickets instead, he was delighted and so I walked straight back to the box office and 'purchased' two tickets to the film of his choice: "Mongol". He was very sweet and wanted to confirm that I didn't have to pay for the tickets, as what he really needed was to scratch together $48 to stay in a rooming house that night. I said it was ok and that I didn't have to pay for the tickets. He requested a seat in the middle of the theatre, ostensibly he hadn't been to the cinema in many years. When the tickets were in his hands he bounded off to the back of Borders bookstore - I wondered whether he had a friend to give the second ticket to or whether he was to entrepreneurially on-sell them. That was a Wednesday night. I felt pleased that i'd finally used my Gold Cinema pass powers for good, I'd wanted to do it for ages as many people beg around that cinema's foyer.

A few days later, 8-10km south of the cinema on the other side of town, I ran into this poor sweet man again. He was sitting on the pavement and looking up at passers by, asking for spare change. I said to him "do you remember me? I gave you the cinema tickets the other night". He was extremely gracious and thankful and said that his girlfriend made him change the tickets to see "Sex and The City". The film wasn't his cup of tea but it was still terrific to go to the cinema. Apparently the box office staff were "really good about swapping the tickets". I was rapt by having bumped into him and said I had the cinema pass so I would do it again if we saw each other near the cinema.

Some months later I ran into him outside the cinema again - this time we introduced ourselves formally; his name is Jack. He didn't feel like going to the cinema that time, though I was trying to max-out the pass' potential and give him more tickets. He explained how he was trying to save up for a bond as the rooming house was overpriced and not an ideal way to live.

Tonight on Christmas eve Jack was sitting outside Dan Murphy's, on the pavement, asking folks for money. I was on the mobile phone when I passed him and he didn't see me anyway. I was asking a friend what kind of alcohol and gourmet nibbles I should take to Christmas lunch. Happily, when I left the supermarket (economic rationalism kicked in and I bought mango juice instead of grog), Jack was still in the same posi, and his girlfriend was now sitting next to him. He recognised my face but I had to clarify our acquaintance, his girlfriend was delighted to meet me, as I was her and she re-told how they swapped the tickets for "Sex and The City". Her name is Jessica and she was charming, albeit smoking a cigarette (some people wear it well).

Once again they were piecing together $48. I was able to contribute $4 only (shouldn't have got that wax.... yes I should have). The rooming house is near where I live. $48 a night or $170 for the week. They explained it was a tiny room with a mattress on the floor and complimentary cockroaches. Jack and Jessica have the promise of a housing commission flat to move into within a few weeks, right near the cinema. I really hope it works out for them. They are lovely people and I want to get to know them better.

Having such encounters quells my preoccupation with men and self-interests. The VTL (very tall lawyer) stayed last night. He thrillingly pursued a dinner-date with me only days after our Friday night fling. I haven't heard from him today and already the anxiety is rising. What if I've been rejected? What do I feel about him anyway? I was much more attracted to him than I expected. Celibacy is perhaps a safer place to live, now that I've broken the love-making drought, I just want more, it's like an alcoholic accidentally taking brandy butter with the pudding. Christmas day is in the way, he's going to his folks place, I'm off on a mini road trip, taking with me my lust and curiosity for this new and rather interesting man. A problem is that I don't entirely trust myself. Alot of men would probably charm me right now and I'd kiss the majority of them. Why do I want the future to reveal itself so urgently? When I get there I'm sure I will have wanted to make the most of every moment and relive whatever ones were the best; sunbake on the island of time. So for now, on the night before Christmas, I shall not fret about whether he will call or not. I shall revel in my horizontality and enjoy the first Christmas eve night I've ever spent alone. I'm happy about it. Merry Christmas.

Simple Pleasures

I just read a wonderful story on the fabulous BBC news site which is my home page. Ah! It makes the heart swell with warm fuzzies - that's what life's about, non?

I love riding my bike on summer nights, even when I have no money. As long as I could swim everyday, I think i'd cope being homeless or worse off.

I need to find confidence in myself that is not the result of approval from friends, men or career moves. Where do I find such confidence? I feel better about things today, probably because I shagged a very friendly man last night. Not my type at all but I'm prepared to forge a friendship. Me and my thirty-something female friends are like cavewomen, needing to throw a man on the bed (or be thrown on one), just to ward off insanity. It's ridiculous and puts one at the mercy of male behaviour and Venus Lady Traps, as per the previous few posts. But it is a much needed confidence boost. I'm on a hunt to find confidence in other places and forms - a tidy house? Healthy plants? Swimming? It's a complete mystery to me how one can attain self-esteem that is reasonably solid without gold star stamps being received. What would I do if no-one liked me? What is wrong with deriving confidence from the effect you have on others anyway? What is confidence? Let us open the handy dictionary. In this usage the definition is:

"a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities" and the origin is late Middle English : from Latin confidentia, from confidere ‘have full trust’.

So I need to trust myself, that's sounding a little more attainable. I will sleep on it and trust in myself that I will tackle my domestic chaos on the morrow.

Venus Fly Trap

Recapping the last post, I was lured into a Venus Lady Trap by the FF over the weekend (with a year of so of warm-up to the anti-climax). I have forgiven myself (believe it or not... regardless, watch this space). He's a pussy-tease my friends have decided and I've lost respect for him. He may be the sweetest guy on planet earth with just some pathological flirtation problem, but he has alot of uphill work to do to redeem himself.

For less trivial topics and last minute Christmas gifts that give twice, check out: http://www.bicyclesforhumanity.com/donate

Ho ho ho I have decided to no longer be a ho!

Collecting Tears

I'm thinking of collecting my tears and using them to water my plants. I had a pretty crazy weekend. Went to the Meredith Music Festival. The muddiest, wettest of festivals. The FF flirted with me as always and like never before. Friends and acquaintances seriously questioned whether we were a couple. We laughed it off and yet he put his arm around me in response and commented that "we look like a good couple, don't we?". I ran into the EX and met his new girlfriend. Went well, like an excellent foreign diplomacy meet - we should have even shook hands for the cameras. Took too many drugs of the kind I never take. I ignored the festival handbook and took a mixture of drugs in a short period of time. I confronted the FF at dawn and was rejected. He didn't want to cross the line of friendship. Un-fucking-believable-humiliating-confidence-wrecking-mess-in-the-brain. It could have been worse. I didn't touch him or try to kiss him in the moment of rejection. It could have been worse but I still feel very bad.

Brought the psychology appointment forward - off to see her very shortly - lie me down, cut me open and lobotomise me please. Another thing that is weighing heavily on me is the knowledge that some friends' relationship is about to explode apart. He is conducting an affair with someone too controversial. I feel like I will be betraying my friend if I don't do something. If I was her and my long-term partner's affair was known to my friends before me - I would feel humiliated that no one told me. It is not my place to tell her but I have emailed the unfaithful guy and asked to speak with him asap. At least they're evidence that being in a relationship isn't always the holy grail. I am feeling nauseous at the idea that I may never find a man worth loving. I am feeling a failure for not being able to make my dear soulmate EX happy. We took the best and the worst years of each others' lives.

Time to go, lobotomy appointment required.

things change

I ought to remember that. My mood dived through the floor today after finding out I didn't get a job I really wanted. I didn't totally crumble (for what it's worth) and am feeling a bit better having been for a swim. However the mirror at the pool brought back the inhibitions and I'm not so convinced I'm ready to fall in love anymore... or rather scared that I'm not ready. My career's not sorted, my confidence isn't sorted...

A Little Cry

a little cry, for a long gone relationship
a little cry, at the emailed words 'my lady'
a little cry, unexpected and perhaps oversensitive
a little cry, for a good love gone wrong
a little cry, at the possibility of a loveless future
a little cry, automatic and uncontrollable
a little cry, because it's not fair
a little cry, because I still can't get over it
a little cry, for 8 wasted years
a little cry, because I might feel better for it
a little cry, I am sorry for myself
a little cry, I'll never meet someone new if I still cry like this
a little cry, from my magic pudding of sadness
a little cry and I'll feel better
a little cry and it's gone