Just another post

The B.O.I maybe be a P.K. (potential knob).

I am learning some wisdom from the Dalai Lama's Art of Happiness. Quell fear and anxiety by connecting with my sincere motivation for doing or wanting whatever the fear is about. This has helped alot. I want to be of service and use my brain to its best capacity - is there any harm in that? No, so there should be no fear. Thanks Mr Charming Wise Tibetan Man.

A friend who reads my blog delicately advised that I am too preoccupied and reliant on others liking me. This is probably true. I don't want to make a bad impression, who does? My confidence wavers. It's not necessarily always connected to others' approval, but often so. Surely I'll get better with age, like extra sharp parmesan? Or is it too late? Going to bed the other night after an evening feeling disconnected from my friends, I thought about how and when I will be able to stop taking the anti-depressants i've been on for the bigger part of 7 years. Before I find a new soulmate? I'm sure I could comedically explain my need to take the medication but what kind of impression or concern would that give a potential suitor? Alarm bells probably. Unless he's got some weird interest in pharmaceuticals for the brain. A nice little lab boy perhaps. Or a fellow depressive? That scenario was both the beauty and the beast of the last relationship (THE relationship).

Righto, signing off purely because my computer is dominating my days and I have the domestic habits of a slug when my Cancerian nature predisposes otherwise.

Grumpy

I don't know what's wrong with me. I went to the kinesiologist last week and came out feeling like $635 bucks (awesome for me). Last few days I've been grizzly, people have annoyed me, I've lost all my confidence (again). I am also paranoid that people don't like me, including some of my best friends. It's a weird time. I am thinking of tricking myself into doing some laps at the pool tonight. I am thinking that no man (that I like) will ever be interested in me. I'll never be able to afford a car, nor a house. I won't be able to have children. I am doomed. Blah, blah fucking blah. Someone i am working with (my mentor), described herself as an optimist. I am a pessimist through and through, although I don't know why. Genetic? Smoking too much pot as a young adult? Irrational career choices? True insight into reality that everyone else is oblivious to? I don't know, might start smoking pot again...

On a positive and more healthy note, I found salvation on the dancefloor on Sunday night after working all weekend. I am thinking of lining up a house-swap with a Maldivian climate change refugee. Happy to go under via rising sea levels rather than via my own pessimism.

Checking In

Touching base about yoga. Going well, no remarkable results yet but it is truly amazing that I'm getting addicted to my 10 sloppy minutes of practice each morning. Hoping to attain yogic 'perfection' by the age 71.

Checking in about crises of confidences. I'm now having a crisis about my newfound confidence!! Well isn't that just something?! I have a belly of confidence building up about my career and how I will be in my element directing TV drama - but with this unfamiliar confidence comes the fear demon. I want to apologise to the people I expressed my enthusiasm and confidence to today. Sorry for being an arrogant upstart. This is why I'm blogging really, to get this off my chest/brain/heart.

I'm tired. Domestic chaos ensues, as does unfulfilled randiness. I crossed the line flirting on Saturday night. Another deed for the apology inbox. Me and President Obama have got a lot of shit to fix up. I can't relax in my current state and be cool with how things are, or can I? How would Obama tackle his to-do list? Hire a motherfucking big team? I don't have a team, or do I? I have alot of wonderful friends and supporters who keep my spirits up (or egg me on?!). I need to bring out the mini-me(s) and give them all a tab of ecstasy and a few lines of cocaine, then I would say: "Go get em kids!! clean that house, jump on that boy, grab that career opportunity, complete all those unfinished tasks, do some pilates, learn French, bleach hair, accumulate savings, go forth mini-me(s) - divide and conquer all my yearnings!!!".

So much easier to blog and pour a glass of mango juice.

Goodnight and good luck.