Oogling

Oogling is the new googling (interesting that googling doesn't compute as an unknown or misspelt word but oogling does). Let me tell you about oogling. I am blogging now to prevent myself sending photos to friends of the most beautiful man on the planet I hunted down via googling activity. That's shameless oogling. Don't know why I've just been overpowered by that BMP I met last night - he is unavailable and even that's not stopping me. I am a cavewoman needing to procreate with someone gorgeous. Biological instinct. Pity I'm not perfect. I was discussing with a friend at lunch today what a different experience of the world drop dead gorgeous people must have. After a while they must cotton on to the vibe that most people desire them; surely that causes some uneasiness and confusion - but do they long to be plain? I doubt it. In an attempt towards perfection I will prematurely abort this post and get up off my arse to do the washing up. I had a new year's resolution to do the dishes every night no matter the quantity and believe it or not I still have some zest for this resolution, perhaps because I did 6 days worth of dishes on Sunday. This beast needs to mate with someone of a better gene pool for the good of the human race... but do I even want children? No, I just want a summer fling.

Yoga

I want to develop a committed home ashtanga yoga practice. It's been a bit of a fantasy, but if I take yesterday and today's
unglamorous and brief attempts - I may actually be on my way to such dreamy discipline. I had a good day yesterday, people were nicer to me, I was calmer and less paranoid - and I put it down to the fact I did 10 minutes of yoga in the morning. So, I decided to test the theory and do the same again this morning. I do a teeny weeny piece of the of the primary series, the equivalent of dipping a toe into the water in a triathlon... but it's a start and I feel better for it. 

Last night I met possibly the most beautiful man on the planet. I believe we endeared ourselves to each other and I was still reeling even after I found out he had a girlfriend... she must just be a floozy... anyways, it's a timely new flirtation and obsession, as the BOI hasn't contacted me - and I believe he's been BIT for at least 2 days!! Unbelievable and yet believable. More time for personal metamorphosis I guess.    

Big Sleep, Strange Dream

I just had a 12 hour sleep. Was a little broken. Fantasised about shagging around the time I maybe should've got up, but went back to sleep. I had a crazy extended dream that my ex-partner and I had some kind of free-for-all verbal encounter and I found out that he wrote a personal essay about the demise of our relationship in a street magazine (before we even broke up). I was finding out about this over a year later and frantically googling the name of the mag (which I didn't quite catch - Stoush, Stose..) and trying to dig up the past and traumatise myself. What all this means I don't know, but it's the first dream I've had in ages. Off now to deal in the physical world with an earthquake of dirty dishes and a volcano of clothes (both dirty and clean - no apartheid system in my wardrobe on the floor). 

BTW I think the BOI is BIT (back in town). 

Another Freak-Out

They don't like me. I said the wrong thing. I'm a suck. I better suck eggs. When will I accept that I'm a failure? Something in me is still fighting for it. Keeping me awake at night. Stopping me jumping off bridges, limiting sleeping tablets to sensible doses. Modern thought and therapy says accept unhappy feelings and take valued direction. Alrighty then.  I want my life and thoughts simplified, purified, I want to fall through a sieve. I want to be a mermaid, or maybe a simple fish would be better; less likely to have personality crises or existential issues. Tomorrow I will live like a fish and swim through the day. I feel like I'm constantly letting myself down.

Unhinged

Boozy. Could email BOI at anytime. Blogging is a way for me to not do as such. Could tell him by virtue of the ever small world, I ended up having a business discussion with his ex today. I could provoke him with such information and tell him I am open to shagging him again. It's all a ridiculous game. I am on my way out of house for a catch-up with my ex; aka the boy with bad lungs. 

I wish I could have a more mature outlook and not use my trivial lustful encounters as conversational sport. I wish I wasn't blatantly aware of the fact he's overseas and returns to Oz in about a week. I admit I am expecting something upon his return. I really have to leave the ball in his court and accept the possibility of it bouncing and rolling away into the bushes... to be forgotten.  

Desperate, randy, nearly 30 years of age and playing games with love, desire and interpersonal communication; that's me to a tee. 

Poverty

Believe it or not this post is not about me; well, less so than usual. Yesterday was blog action day and although it would be good to write about things more important than myself every time I post, today is the day to start. 

In my last post I blatantly and ironically complained about a lack of money and assets and the self-loathing that has resulted. However, let me undermine my own writing: I am fine and live in fantastic conditions compared to those in developing countries. I am typing on my own laptop computer. I can afford (just) to rent my own inner-city apartment. I work and aspire to work in the entertainment industry, a non-essential and frivolous business. 

Anyways, enough about me - lets heed the call to "make poverty history". With the global financial crisis I've heard a lot about 'investor confidence' and seen vox-pops with the average Joe Smith voicing that they're not sure about stock-market investments anymore, it's put the fear in them. Well why not invest in something more tangible? Even marginally alleviating the poverty of just one person? 

I don't want to get all soapy on the soap box but I invite you to ponder poverty today and would be pleased to hear your responses on how the world can be a more fair and happier place for all. 

Please take note of updated links, in particular the Bicycles for Humanity Project - it needs monetary donations as well as friendly bikes. Bicycles have been a vehicle of freedom since their inception, so this is a delightfully practical and transparent way to help those suffering poverty. Spread the word!

Crisis of Confidence

I've supposedly had a breakthrough in my career. Something I arguably should have done several years ago. Yet, when the going gets good, the brain turns bad. Crisis of confidence. Thoughts of failure, doom, poverty... being publicly confronted about my delusion of career prospects. Money is a depression trigger for me. I have none (again). Hating myself for having got into such a fiscal poo again. My friend said at the time of the last flip-out that I needed to remove the triggers that set me off. She was referring to my ex-partner and I have certainly acted on that advice and am having far less contact with him and am feeling better for it (also helps that I have BOI on the brain and am devising ways to seduce him and contemplating whether the feeling is mutual or not). Regarding triggers, a lack of money or useful assets (such as a car or shoes or a digital camera) inevitably sets me off. I have to prevent this happening. It's ridiculous. But at this point in time I can do very little about it. I need to make a list of things to think about or do when my mind takes a dive. My Mum said it's a choice and I just need to stop thinking such negative thoughts. Thanks to my whizzbang computer (things to be grateful for #43) Mum had the dubious bonus of witnessing my despair via webcam. However, after a coincidental phonecall (no webcam) from an unwavering supporter, I am feeling better in this moment. 

A Slow Burn or a Fucking Disaster?

I caught up with the BOI tonight. I can't tell whether he's being gentlemanly and shy or whether he's not interested in me. Why not shag someone like me I ask? Come on, take your pants off and kiss my neck. All I need is a pick me up. I sent a mildly suggestive text message to him earlier this week to set the tone. Now I've put my pyjamas on and got my "Happy Tunes" playlist as company. I'm not going to be defeated by you. I don't know how to convert an opportunity into a shag. I'm there for the taking and you didn't take me. Another day, week, month in celibacy. A vow of patience I need to take. When I look at it objectively I think it's not about me wanting him so badly that I can't live without him, it's more that I am testing myself to see how I weigh in on the desirability scale.... I'm not doing that well so far as I can tell. Is this acquaintance slowly evolving and developing into a love and exploding passion that I will find all worthwhile when it finally happens? Or is it a dismal failure and I don't realise it? 

Part of me wants to cry and dwell in the 'rejection' and part of me wants to curl up in bed triumphantly content. What are the pros of no shag tonight? I can't think of any. What are the cons of no shag tonight? The feeling of not being wanted aka rejected. A ripped off libido. Slight pro is an early night or no so late a night... it's 1140pm. I can read the weekend paper I haven't read yet. I can go to bed happy. For some reason I don't actually feel sad or rejected.. maybe I'm just living life. I can cultivate a happy single life, somehow it feels like a compromise but it's worth doing in case the love of my life has some unfortunate accident and I'm left on my own again. Biological instincts be damned. I am a modern human who can get through cavewoman urges with her clothes still on. 

It's a confusing modern situation to be getting to know someone who you've already shagged and being preoccupied wondering if it's going to happen again or not. Take me back to the 1930s, or at least the 1960s.