Nice Day For A Sulk

Avoidance of necessary, overdue tasks.

Nausea at ex-partner's new romance.

Pep-talk from the rejected fuck-buddy.

The desire to cry. The new therapy i've learnt is to find the physical location of the feeling and breathe into it. The feeling is behind my eyes. They swell and make me think of reasons i want to cry. I'm listening to Belle & Sebastian.

My ex-partner goes into hospital for a serious operation tomorrow. I lent him my ipod. If he wasn't teetering on the edge of anxiety about operative complications, i would lay my pain on a platter for him. I would tell him i can't stomach his interest in a new woman (and she's hardly new, i believe they've been seeing each other nearly six months). I would cry and complain that he's fucked me over. Ripped me off. I would cry out for reassurance that i'm not some unlovable wench. I would pointlessly grasp for explanations and guarantees that he will remember only my good points. I would hopefully receive a comforting cuddle. It's now 3.55pm. I have a week's worth of work to pull off by tomorrow morning. I want to not let myself down. Why does this untamable sorrow get in the way?

I've deleted the BOI's number from my phone. Did it on Friday. My failed 8 year relationship has made me weaker not stronger. I'm stronger at dealing with drug addicted boyfriends and that's it. I really should be doing my work and yet i'm sitting here crying.

I selfishly want to make my ex-partner feel my pain and attempt to soothe it. I am a born depressive. So many roads point to suicide and giving up. Yet i go on. Plug away. Live to see another day and breathe another breath. I live for the ocean. I live for the garden i just walked past and audibly gasped "wow". I live for cocktails. I live for my parents. I live for hilarious emails from my sister. I live for rearranging objects in my house. I live for riding my bike, it makes me feel like a force of nature. I live for listening to Belle & Sebastian. I live for not enough meaningful reasons. I live to prove i can live. In this moment i appreciate a warm house, generous friends. The land at the top of my head needs to change. Rotate to the next land of productive and inspiring thought. Like the Folk of the Faraway Tree i need to race to the top of the tree to see the lands change... or rather jump off the sad-grieving-poo-land to avoid being stuck on it and whisked away from my treehouse for who knows how long. Alright. I've stopped crying and am now stepping onto the land of efficiency and cheerfulness.