An upturn

I'm back and i'm fine. Even a flat bicycle tyre won't ruin my mood today. Who says Melbourne weather is bad? The misinformed and the missingout.

I have an idea for a freelance travel article - please fwd comments if you have advice of how to go about this.

A downturn

Right, my brain has taken a turn. Probably because i'm still up waiting for a DVD to encode. From now on i'm going to completely outsource this shit - I really need to be in bed now. I reckon i'm as close as i've been to having an anxiety attack since the separation. Way too much to do, an outrageous goal of leaving for Vietnam in 6 weeks, an extraordinary amount of money to earn somehow before then... blah, blah, fucking blah.

Positive thinking says: yes, the money will come to you, yes, you have the ability to get lots done in the next 6 weeks. There's always that deadshit job where i'll see the sexy boy. Yes, i am freaking out - sorry - this blog has turned sour!! Just so tired and want to go to bed for one hundred years - i've spent the day (and night) computer bound - and it's had this effect - i've become overwhelmed by everything i've set out to achieve.

I need a bath in some positivity oil. My new cubbyhouse doesn't really have a bath - but at this point, the bed seems glorious.

BTW - i saw some amazingly weird dogs the other day - a pair of identical huge white Borzois. Russian wolfhounds. As captivating as seeing a pair of unicorns.

All in all, and i'll forgive you for unsubscribing at this point, this is what i started the blog for - to be a brain drain and a sanctuary for me to be happy or sad in. I'm not sad, i'm just anxious and towards my wit's end.

Positive thinking as an alternative lifestyle

My bank balance is not worth checking. I'm somehow going to Vietnam in October, and need to acquire both necessary and materialistic things for my new cubbyhouse - like a fridge.... However, and listen-up if you need some kind of crazy philosphy - i am using the power of positive thinking (aka the law of attraction) to remedy my current situation.

I'm not sure how deep to delve into this without embarassing myself, but lets just say it beats the hell out of worrying where the next lot of rent (and the Vietnam holiday and the fridge and the car and the shoes and the Tweezerman tweezers) will come from.

I think, therefore I am.

Just a short note...

...to say i love what i do! I know this is unecessary and self-indulgent... but i'm amazed at how spending several hours, actually many hours, recording voiceover and interviewing people back to back, can be so enjoyable. I'm reeling after starting the day supertired. Well, that's something. Perhaps it's my new found positive attitude to everything, or perhaps it's this project, who knows? Who cares? I feel good!

Commitment Schmittment

When I was wholeheartedly committed in my longterm 8 year relationship (though not married mind you), I didn't ever question the committment, it was so effortless.

Now that I am (1) out of a relationship, and (2) interested in someone who's engaged, commitment seems very strange - like, what's all that about? How can he be sure? How solid is a committed relationship?

The ridiculous things the brain does. It is like i've taken a love drug - to quell maturity and rationality.

The Gods say no

Computer says no. Gods say no. My source found out he's engaged! What a suckful outcome. I've had advice from a wise friend already - she says not to shutdown and stop being interested in him - as then he will really know it's me that enquired about his availability! And after all, i do think he is genuinely nice, so perhaps a friendship could ensue, if i manage to tame my attraction and devastation - or twirl them into a devastating combination! What could possibly go wrong? Ha!

I went and caned myself in the pool. Did some laps to get it off my chest. I was convinced there was a 'vibe' going on. I don't think i am stupid.

Let me impart details of the weekend. After that enthralling game of table tennis, i went to a very emotional film:

http://homesongstories.com/

I recommend your viewing of it, but the trailer on the website doesn't really give the impression i got... the film's content was so powerful, and it's somehow incredibly sad and also heartening at the same time to know that the filmmaker went through these experiences as a child and is alive and happy as an adult today. Life eh? It isn't perfect, but then i'm a harsh critic - it's not far off perfect and bloody good on them for making it. Someone else who saw it said they were so delighted to not be ashamed by an Australian film!

Later Saturday night - i go out to farewell drinks of a good friend of mine - and uncharacteristically i stayed up til 6am! Twas a enjoyable evening with a few people i don't know very well - but they were all excellent conversationalists - so the night went on and on and back to the good friends place. One of the party of six was french - a young lady married to an older Aussie who spoke very good french. Long story - i'll finish this one later, lots of subplots to convey for full effect.

You know or get an idea that you're on a bender when you've been wearing the same undies for 3 days and realise you've lost your sunglasses.

Still haven't found the sunglasses nor run into the boy with the bad surname since i found out about his so-called unavailability. I've been prepared to run into him, and am feeling confident. If i ever do reunite with the longterm one with bad lungs, there is alot of work to do, and i feel like i've complicated it by being attracted to someone else, but then it came out of nowhere and engulfed me - and still is!

Time to do some work Ms OK.

BTW...

that'd be 'gnashing' of teeth, rather than 'nashing' i think. Focus on positive outcomes and be grateful for what i've got and what's happened.

that sinking feeling

After much anticipation and nashing of teeth, all i got tonight was a brief 'see-ya'. Why was that? I was all ready to have a comfortable albeit short sensible chat. It's getting ridiculous. Do i get a new job? I can't concentrate here and my job is pretty boring anyway. I've got someone finding out about his availability status, apparently i'll find out tomorrow - but maybe my bluff's already been blown and that's why there was the brief hello/goodbye tonight. Impossible situation really - boring programs to watch (that's my job), the ongoing thought that i'll run into him and there might be conversation - how sexy! And internet merely a click away to provide further distraction. Alright. Enough now. Nothing progressed tonight, but up until that point i was still reeling from the ping pong game on Saturday. I shall be patient, leave it with the gods and get back to my job.

x

do you want to have a hit?

Oh my god! The boy with the bad surname and i just impressed each other with our ping pong skills. Don't be shy Ms Ok. Be bold! My heart is truly fluttering, as cliched as that is. I still care so deeply for the longterm one. I went to his rescue with cuddles last night. He truly needs some help, and although i am completely committed to helping him, it is supremely interesting to be attracted to someone else!! What a man, what a man, what a stylish man. My type of man. Need to know more. Still in information gathering mode, but this is definite progress! I even totally ignored my need to earn money here today - and have to admit, was very excited about the prospect of running into him! But anyways, better focus on earning my rent. Two conversations in less than 24hours eh?!

Although the crush is infantile, it's nice to have a bit more years behind me in order to be able to have a conversation without shaking.

Wow!